TangledWings

A Little Something for You to Think About

One of the things I think forms the foundation of this particular blogging community, one of the things that connects us, is our desire for growth in all areas of our lives--spiritually, emotionally, relationally, professionally, artistically.  We are a group of highly creative, deeply spiritual (and I don't mean that in a religious sense), incredibly open seekers.  Plugging into this community has changed so many of our lives.  I have watch many of you take amazing leaps in your lives, especially creatively/artistically, with the support of this community.  That being said, I've been tossing an idea around for awhile now, an idea I mentioned a few posts ago that I promised to bring up again, and I would like to get your valuable feedback on it.

I believe I'm a very talented photographer.  I love photography.  I love images.  I want my skill and professionalism in that particular area of my life to continue to grow.  I feel passionate about it and it is something I will pursue the rest of my life.  However, I still feel my writing is my true strength.  I love to take pictures but I ache to write.  I can go days without picking up my camera.  I can't go days without picking up my pen.  So I've been trying to decide what to do about that, trying to decide what's next...is blogging enough or do I want more?  And I always feel like I want more.  One of the things I would really like to do is find a venue that will combine both my writing and my photography but goes beyond blogging.  Lately one of my Mondo Beyondo dreams, one of the creative ideas that is pulling at me, one of the things I know I'd like to give a try if I weren't so damn scared is to create a zine.  A zine is a small self published magazine.  I know there are other bloggers out there who have created their own zines but I'm not very familiar with them so I don't know what they look like or what they entail. 

But here's the deal--I'm not sure how to get started.  What should it look like?  What are my publishing options? Would anyone even be interested in this?  This is my basic vision:  the zine would be called Tangled Wings: the zine about being and becoming (or something along those lines).  It would feature some of my own writing and photography as well as feature the writing and/or photography of some of my fellow bloggers.  There would be a new issue every season (4 a year).  The first issue would probably be an overall introduction of the concept and from there I might choose to have different topics of focus for every issue.  The whole zine idea is still a work in progress (one I'm not even certain I'll pursue but if I'm truly honest with myself I would at least like to give a try) so I don't have all the logistics worked out.

This is what I need from you:  feedback.  Have you or do you know someone who has their own zine?  Have you purchased a zine before and if so what did you like and not like about it?  Do you know of any publishing options (I know Blurb.com is a great one but it's a little more pricey than I want)?  What do you think of this idea?  Is it something you think people would have an interest in (since I imagine the vast majority of the people who might purchase the zine would be people familiar with my blog)?  Is there something particular you would be interested in seeing in this zine? 

This is a brainstorming opportunity so I'm hoping we can all put our heads together and come up with some things I may have failed to consider or some things I may be overlooking.  I think some of you out there know some really great resources that I don't know about so I'm asking for your ideas and suggestions or anything you can think of that might be helpful to me as I consider this endeavor.  And finally if you don't have any particular ideas and/or suggestions a few words of support/encouragement are always nice.

So...what do you think????...I need some feedback...   

Some of the latest...

Rookie Mistakes

I had a post worked out in my head that I wanted to write tonight.  It was this weeks self-portrait post and I'd been tossing around some thoughts for over a week.  All day I'd been looking forward to sitting down, maybe having a cup of tea, and putting my thoughts into words.  Instead I'm heading to bed.  Yes it's not even 9:00 cst but I need to have a good cry.  I told you I would share the important things I learn on this photography journey.  Well tonight I learned a very, very valuable lesson--NEVER EMPTY YOUR RECYCLE BIN UNTIL YOU DOUBLE CHECK IT.  Tonight I came to the horrible realization that three folders totaling about 250+ processed images are gone.  I guess I deleted them.  I've run file searches.  T has searched.  I've given myself a headache looking for them.  I've been short with T, raising my voice and dumping it all on him.  But they're just not there.  They're just gone.  Monday night I burned a disk of images and then deleted the files.  I guess I accidentally deleted these other folders as well.  I'm just sick about it.  I feel much like the little daisy in the above photo.  I just want to cover my head and cry.  I still have the raw images so I haven't lost the images all together...but I may as well have.  Processing all those images took hours upon hours of work.  In a way I almost would have rather lost the raw images.  Now I have to start all over from scratch.  I'm sick about the massive amount of work I'm going to have to put into recreating the processed images.  Not to mention the time.  God I can't even begin to estimate the amount of time that went into those 250+ pics.  I was sitting on the couch in tears and T asked why I hadn't been saving the images as both a PSD and a JPEG.  Um, maybe because I'm new at this and I had no idea I should be doing that.  No one ever told me to save the images in two different formats.  I was processing the images, converting them to JPEGs, and then putting the JPEGS into their own labeled folders while leaving the raw images in the original dated folders.  Lesson #2: SAVE ALL IMAGES AS PSD FILES AND JPEGS.  The JPEGS can still be moved to their own labeled folders while the PSD images remain with the raw images.  Keeping the PSD images will mean you won't have to start all over should you ever do what I did and delete the processed images.  So all you fellow photographers out there, those of you who know the time and energy that goes into processing images, trying to get them just right, editing out small things like spider webs and blemishes, popping the eyes and softening the colors, spending endless hours making certain each image is just the way you want it, please leave me a word of encouragement because right now I am so freakin' discouraged, not to mention pissed at myself, and completely overwhelmed, that I don't even know where to start.  That's why I'm starting by just crawling into bed and pulling the blankets over my head and having a really good cry.  God this freakin' sucks.

Shifting Expecations

I haven’t said much about my photography business lately so I thought this would be as good a time as any to give you a little update on how everything is going.

What can I say other than I’m letting it flow. Sometimes I think that’s a cop out and other times I’m wise enough and gracious enough to realize that when you already have a full time job and a family that includes a 4 year old sometimes letting it flow is about all you can do. When I originally decided to create Tangled Wings Photography almost a year ago I had very different expectations for my business than I do now.  Most of those expectations have shifted as I have embraced what I know I can and cannot do.  Again some days that feels like a cop out and other days I know it’s the wisest and most gracious gift I can give myself.  When I launched this little business of mine the excitement of it all had me dreaming big and bold.  Success looked a very certain and specific way.  I would be successful when I was able to quit my day job and only pursue photography.  I would be successful when I was making X amount of money a month.  I would be successful if I had X number of photo shoots a month.  I would be successful when I had been featured in X number of publications and had received X amount of recognition for my work.  I would be successful when asked to exhibit my work at X number of locations and X number of shows.  Maybe I even told myself I would be successful when I’d won X number of awards. 

About 8 months into this I realized my definition of success would have to change or a) I would stress myself out making myself both sick and crazy and b) I would start to hate photography and never want to pick up my camera again.  The photo shoots themselves weren’t a big deal but the post-processing was killing me especially since I am learning Photo Shop as I go along.  In August I decided I would have to adjust my expectations of myself.  There just weren’t many other options if I wanted to stay sane and healthy and continue to enjoy photography.  Don’t think there weren’t some moments of panic.  Don’t think I didn’t doubt myself, my commitment, and my skill.  Don’t think I didn’t compare myself to other budding photographers who were rocking the photography scene, growing by leaps and bounds while I felt like I was lagging behind, not just artistically but professionally.  Don’t think I didn’t toss around the idea that shifting my expectations and letting go made me a failure.  I did.  I did all those things.  But in September something began to shift in me.  That vision I’ve been blogging about lately, the one I’m trying to both clarify and better define in order to create my life, well it was in September that the rumblings of this need to look at my life first began to shake my foundation.  In September I got this burst of creative energy but it was in the form of words and not photo shoots.  I had already been challenging myself to write a poem a day for several weeks and when September hit I just kept on going…and haven’t stopped.  I’ve been writing a lot…poems, journal entries, letters to myself, snippets of things I want to remember in order to use some day in the future.  And I can see how I have grown, how my writing is stronger.  I know this because I’m my worst critic and if I like some of what I’ve been writing lately then I know that’s always a good sign.

And then there’s the personal growth.  Although I haven’t given a lot of specific examples of what’s been going on in my life lately and how things have been changing I think you can sense an undertone of transformation in some of my more recent posts.  I reached a ‘god I’m so tired of this bullshit’ place and once I got there I begin to proactive and less 'playing the victim.'  I began to take back my life and begin to explore what it means to have power, and a voice, and a vision of yourself you want to live from.  Anyone who has ever gone through anything similar can attest to the amount of energy moving into a new way of being can take and how emotionally draining (but in a very good way) it can be. 

So as you can see while my photography business has been a little quiet it doesn’t mean the rest of my life has been quiet.  It’s just means that in order to accommodate other shifts and changes and passions I’ve had to shift my expectations and redefine success.  It’s means I’ve had to surrender to letting it flow and to exploring that ‘vision’ in a more full and extensive way. It means that while I may not be rolling in the dough or have a calendar packed with upcoming photo ops I am still hauling my camera around and learning and strengthen my skill and vision while investing in other creative avenues and exploring other paths along this journey we call life.  When all these shifts began occurring in September one of the things I held tight to was the knowledge that I’m okay right where I am.  This is a good place.  It may not be the place I originally intended it to be but it’s a very, very good place.  And if I only have one photo shoot a month (or less) that doesn’t make me a failure.  I'm still doing this...just a little slower than I had originally anticipated.  And I think the most important piece of knowing I'm wrapping my arms around is that taking it slow and only having sporadic photo gigs and not making a lot of money off my photography doesn’t make me any less a photographer than the next guy.

There’s more I want to say about the business, like my Etsy angst and how things can get tangled when money is involved, but I’ll save those for another post.  Today’s post is just about giving myself permission to shift my expectations so that I can be more open to life and about how nothing about that is a cop out.  It’s a choice to be fuller and to honor how life changes and how growing can change everything.

Always Put It In Writing

One of the things I want to do with this Tangled Wings blog is record my journey with photography--the achievements, the fears, the struggles, the growth, and the lessons learned.  In the past couple of weeks I've learned a big one and I want to pass it along to others of you out there just getting started.  The lesson I've been learning lately is always put it in writing. 

Because I'm so new at photography I've been pretty relaxed about the specifics of a photo session.  I've viewed much of what I've been doing as more 'portfolio building' than professionalism.  I've kept my prices low and I've committed to portrait sessions and weddings in the hope of growing my skill and pushing the limits of my fear.  And unfortunately because of all this I haven't put anything in writing.  I've assumed clients would be satisfied with the end results and that there wasn't any need to lay out the specifics of what a portrait session would entail, including the number of shots to expect once they receive their disk of images.  I have lately run into a client who isn't happy with the number of images I provided her with.  I took a lot of images (two memory cards full) and I guess she expected to receive most of these images.  I assumed people understood just because you took a lot of images that doesn't necessarily mean they will turn out, especially group shots.  With group shots it's almost essential that you take multiple images of the same shot because someone always manages to either have their eyes closed or to be caught with a goofy look on their face.  Even through I processed over 150 images for her, a number I thought was more than adequate, she later wanted to know where the rest of her pictures were.  I always want to satisfy my clients but it's also frustrating to feel as if you did a good job, that you went above and beyond, and the client still isn't happy. 

Up to this point I have based a lot of my work on assumptions.  I have assumed others would understand how this all works.  I assumed the quantity I provided would be satisfactory.  I assumed clients would know that I stress quality of quantity and that I would rather give them only a few high quality images than a lot of lower quality images.  Within the past few days I have learned that assumptions can very well screw you.  But you can't fight something that's in writing.  If someone is provided with clear, written policies and guidelines they can't argue with them.  If they know exactly how many images they will receive for the price they are paying then it would be very hard for them to expect anything different.  In the future everything I do will be put in writing so that misunderstandings can be eliminated.  It's a lesson learned the hard way and I want to pass it along because it could very well save one of you from the stress I've been dealing with over the past few days.   

Things you can do to fill the 6 hours between the time you wake up and the time of the wedding you're photographing

• stand at the back window, your forehead pressed against the glass, and curse the heavens for raining all night and all morning because now the clouds will change the lighting of the church (making it worse) and all the camera/flash settings you worked so hard on the night before will be irrelevant
• watch Laurel Canyon 
• lie on the couch in silence and worry about photographing the wedding
• realize worrying is in no way beneficial
• lie on the couch and listen to disk 2 of Pearl Jam's Rearview Mirror 
• search the internet in an attempt to discover what the hell Eddie Veder is saying in Yellow Ledbetter
• realize this is in vain because nobody actually knows
• look at wedding photography websites
• realize this is just making you doubt your own skill
• lie in bed and complain to your partner/spouse about the cloudy weather and how nervous you are
• take a nice long hot bath that includes shaving your legs
• paint your toenails
• blow dry your hair, put on your make-up, and get dressed
• go to Starbucks for an ice tea, a petite vanilla scone, and poetry by William Stafford
• thank God repeatedly that the clouds have parted and the sun is shining
• eat a bean burrito and decide it is way too spicy for your already nervous stomach
• arrive at the church an hour before the designated time in hopes of getting an early start and to get in a little practice before the real gig only to discover no one else is there and the church is locked
• walk around to find the best locations for your outdoor shots
• get hot and sweaty and stinky
• drive to the closest gas station to go to the bathroom
• tell your partner/spouse multiple times that you think you're going to be sick to your stomach
• never actually get sick (thank God)
• sit in front of the locked doors waiting for the arrival of the wedding party or more specifically the person with the keys to the church
• try to breathe and calm yourself...and settle your nervous stomach
• try not to completely freak yourself out before the wedding even begins
• once the wedding party arrives act like you're calm, cool, and collected...even though you know you're really not any of those things
• pull yourself together and just do it because that's all you can do

It's Either Bravery or Studipity...

...and I certainly hope it's the former. 

As you know I photographed my first wedding last month.  Although the bride was very laid back and supportive I still ended up stressing myself out to the point of being sick.  At the time I said I would never photograph another one.  It was just too much.  My drive for perfectionism can't handle the strain of weddings.  Well guess what?  I'm photographing another wedding...tomorrow...  When I've thought about it this week I've had knots and butterflies...maybe butterflies tied in knots...in my stomach.  I made myself push it away and not think about it so that I wouldn't over think it and get myself unnecessarily worked up.  But now it's here.  It's tomorrow.  T went with me tonight to the rehearsal to help me work out the logistics with my flash (one of the reasons I was so stressed out at the last wedding--I couldn't get it to work correctly) so I think I'm ready...or at least as ready as I can be.  So I'm taking very big breaths, giving myself little pep talks, trying not to let my perfectionism have too much power, and showing up tomorrow afternoon to do what I know how to do--take pictures.  I'm not saying I want to become a wedding photographer.  But I do want to be a better photographer and one of the ways to do that is to pick myself back up and try again.  To not give up so easily.  To continue to put myself in challenging situations so that I can learn and grow.  To give myself permission to be a beginner.  To even give myself permission to do it badly.  The only way you get to where you want to be is to just keep doing it.  So that's what I'm doing.

Another Monday Mosaic and Archiving

1.vintage daisy, 2.broken, 3.lollipops in the window, 4.pretty papers, 5.crafty hands, 6.cradling the rain, 7.words&wallpaper

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So last Monday I gave you the basics about my photography--the equipment I use and a little bit about my process.  In the comments Dona (go check out her beautiful photography) asked about organizing and archiving.  Unfortunately I'm not a good person to ask about this.  Because I shoot in RAW my little laptop can't handle much more than a month's worth of photos at a time...and sometimes not even that much.  I have a DVD burner and at the beginning of every month I have to burn the previous month's images on to a DVD...or two...or three...depending on how many pictures I've taken throughout the month.  Now, in addition to this I also have to regularly transfer the photos from my portrait sessions as well.  These tend to be my largest files and often one photo shoot can fill an entire DVD.  I organize my DVDs into two categories--date (these are the pictures I take for myself throughout the month) and portrait sessions.  I try to keep the portrait session photos separate in order to find what I need more quickly.  I'm hoping that with time I'll be able to find a system that works a little better for me but until I have a computer with the disk space I need this will have to suffice.  It's annoying to burn DVDs as regularly as I do and I wish I had a system that was more effective and efficient but I'd rather give up the convenience to keep the quality of the RAW format. 

Since I am not a pro when it comes to archiving and organizing I would love any tips and advice you might have to offer.  Some of you who have been doing this a lot longer than I probably have a system that works a lot more efficiently than mine.  I would love to know how you archive and organize your images...especially if you shoot in RAW.   

Monday Mosaic and the Basics

Remember a few weeks ago when I said I was going to post mosaics from the weekend on Mondays and then never posted another one?  Well, I'm trying to get back on board.  The past couple of weekends I have taken a lot of photos but it's been portrait/wedding type stuff and nothing really mosaic type.  So here is a little mosaic from this past weekend.

1.sign an artist lives here, 2.having a Frida kind of day, 3.a taste of Mexico, 4.i love ribbon, 5.baby shower goodies, 6.a treat for me, 7.it's a girl thing

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Now on with the rest of the post...

When I started this new blog I had two real purposes in mind: 1.) to share the process of becoming a photographer and and the struggles involved in starting my own business and 2.) to offer other photographers out there what little knowledge I have about photography.  You would not believe the number of e-mails I receive that goes something like this: "If you don't mind would you tell me what kind of camera you use.  If you don't want to share that's okay."  Mind?  Why would I mind?  Maybe if I push Canon products enough they'll decide to send me a really super cool camera.  Hey, it's worth a try.  I think there is a bit of a fear that if we share what we know/the products we use then others might not only copy us but be better at it than we are.  It's a valid fear because when you're just coming into yourself you still feel very vulnerable.  However I really want to work at being open.  I know when I first started out I would see amazing photographs and wonder how the photographer did it.  What was their secret?  I want to be open to sharing what I know, what I'm learning, and what products I'm using.  I don't want to be afraid of your questions or fear that if I share you'll be better than me.  I hope you are...then you can teach me something.

I've received a few e-mails in the past couple of weeks/months that I haven't replied to yet because I thought I would just answer the questions here.  If one person wants to know then I'm sure there are others who'd like to know as well.  So I'm hoping to use this blog to share a few things...and hopefully you'll share a few things with me in the comments.

I want to preface this by saying you must remember I am a beginner.  I've only had a digital SLR for about a year and a half.  I'm still discovering the really cool things it can do.  I've only had PhotoShop since February.  I definitely have a lot to learn in regards to this program.  In other words, I'm learning right along with you.  Some of you out there who have been doing this a lot longer than me may read my words and think, why is she doing it that way?  She's got it all wrong.  Well, please pass along your knowledge.  I'm basically self taught and can use all the help I can get.  I hope this will be a place we can all share and in sharing become stronger, bolder, more creative and self-assured artists/photographers.

So here are the basics:

• I have a Canon Digital Rebel XT.  I do all my photographing with this camera and while people definitely have their opinions about camera manufacturers I will say I'm a little biased towards Canon.  Other than a couple Kodaks I had as a kid/teen I've never had a camera that wasn't a Canon.
• I have three lenses--1) the lens that came with the camera (18-55mm) which is not that great a lens but it will get the job done, 2) a 50mm/1.4 f which I use for most of my portrait taking because the low f stop (low f stop number=large aperture opening--seems a little backwards but if you think about starting with a large opening and every time you close it down as a stop then it starts to make a little more sense--so the more you close the aperture the more steps you are taking and the higher your f stop number will be--don't know how 'right' that is but that's the way I remember it) lets in a lot of light (great for low light situations) and gets amazing depth of field, 3) a 100mm macro which I use for most of my up close shots of flowers, etc.
• I have a 430EX flash which I'm still trying to figure out how to use so if you have any advice please pass it along.  I purchased a diffuser for the flash (cost about $24 but honestly I think an index card strapped to the flash works just as well if not better).
• I use Photoshop CS2 for all my post processing.  As I mentioned earlier I am very new to this program and really know very little about it.  A couple days ago I decided to purchase a new book about this program as the one I had been using was way too technical for me and pretty much sucked.  So we'll see how the new one fairs.
• Since I know so very little about PS I do use Actions.  The Actions I use the most were purchased through Itty-Bitty Actions (and I must admit I don't use them nearly as well as the creator or some other photographers but I'm learning.)
• I always shoot in RAW.  I was intimidated by the RAW setting until my friend and fellow photographer Thea encouraged me to give it a try.  I'll never go back.  I love RAW for several different reasons: 1) you have so much more flexibility with your images.  With RAW you can adjust white balance, exposure, etc after you shoot the pic so if you do find you had a setting screwed up or a certain white balance just didn't work you can adjust it, 2) when editing/enhancing the images you don't loose image quality as you can with a JPEG, 3) you always have the 'negative' and can work with it over and over again.
• I bounce back and forth between the P(program) Mode and the AV(aperture) Mode when shooting.  The AV Mode is great to work in because it allows you to adjust your aperture (which impacts the light you let in and the depth of field) while the camera adjusts the shutter speed to match.  The only problem is I'm just not fast enough or experienced enough to use this mode all the time and when I'm under pressure I'll often let the camera do the thinking for me and resort to the P Mode.  With experience I'll be able to explore the other modes but for now if I'm under pressure I use P and if I want a certain look or can take my time creating an image I'll use AV.

So now it's your turn...  I hope you will feel free in the comments to ask me questions about my process, my photography, or about specific photos.  I'm hoping to use your questions to create future blog posts.  I really wanted to start putting information on my blog about the photographs (i.e. f stop, etc) but found that too time consuming.  However if there are ever any specific questions I'm open.  I want this to be a supportive place.  Also if you have any fabulous photography advice I'd really love to hear it and I know there are also many other struggling photographers like myself who would benefit from the advice too.

Let's keep shooting and sharing...

It was so bad that when I got home I ate three slices of cheese...

...and I would have eaten more but Trey said he was making pasta for supper and that he would pick up a wedge of Parmesan...so I was looking forward to a nice thick chunk of that...but when he went to the store he forget it...so I didn't get my Parmesan.

Dear Readers, the wedding did not go so hot.  I really appreciated all your well wishes and your encouraging words but it really sucked.  I know it was my first one and that I need to go easy on myself but right now I am saying I will NEVER photograph another wedding again.  They are way too stressful for my sensitive nature.  I'm sure you all think I did well but I didn't.  I'm telling you the truth...it was a nightmare.  Whatever wedding photographers are being paid they totally deserve it...and then some.  Photographers work their butts off at weddings because they are trying to be in several places at one time...and be creative to boot.

I woke up at 3:30 in the morning scared that I had missed the wedding and was going to be late.  Of course I wasn't but then I couldn't go back to sleep.  So for 2 hours I looked at wedding photography websites (not that I hadn't looked at all of them already..at least a million times) because I wanted to inundate my brain with creative ideas.  And may I just say all of the sites I looked at took the pictures outside.  I don't know how they do it.  I don't know how they talk brides into going outside in their wedding dress. 

The bride wanted me to meet her at the hotel at 7:30 (and yes, that is AM!!!) to take preparation pictures and then we were scheduled to arrive at the church by 9:00.  You would think that 2 hours to take photographs would be enough but it wasn't...it was just too nuts.  I was so stressed out by everything that all my creativity went right out the window.  I basically took uncreative, traditional wedding photos and I was really disappointed in myself.

Friday night I practiced and practiced with my new flash and I had it down.  At the hotel it worked fine but once I got to the church it wouldn't work correctly so I just had to wing it.  I've been scared to death to look at the photos because the lighting in the church was so poor that I'm afraid without the flash none of the pictures turned out.  I called T on the drive from the church to the reception for a pep talk because I was so freakin' stressed.  Throughout the reception I just wanted to go home because the stress was building in my neck and shoulders and working its way up to my head.  Plus since I'd been up since 3 freakin' 30 I was flat out exhausted.  When I did finally make it home I went straight to bed.  But of course I couldn't sleep because I had a curious 4 year-old who kept sneaking into my room asking, "Mama, mama did you marry?"  He didn't quite get it.  By 11:30 Saturday night I still had not fallen asleep and my headache had increased to the point that I was sick to my stomach.  Not fun.  I spent all day Sunday in recovery, laying in bed with an ice pack on my head trying not to throw up.

I finally downloaded the pictures to my computer tonight.  There are 544 total.  Surely there will be a handful of good ones, right?  I told myself I didn't have to download the photos until the weekend was over, that I had permission to step away from it for a day or two.  I promised myself that if I at least got them on my computer tonight I didn't have to look at them.  I could wait on that until tomorrow.  Well I went ahead and looked at a few tonight and they're not as bad as I thought they were going to be..but they're not good either.  They're mediocre.  But right now I'll settle for mediocre just to have this over and done with. 

Now for the post processing...