While I was in Seattle I received some sad news. My aunt, my father's sister, died. Although she'd been ill for many years her actual death happened very suddenly. According to my dad she told her husband earlier in the week that she "didn't feel right." She was her usual scrappy, happy self until Saturday when she was unresponsive. My sister called to give me the news and less than an hour later my sister called again to tell me she had died. I returned from Seattle just in time for family visitation and the funeral the following day.
As many children of divorced parents will tell you, no matter how long your parents have been divorced there is still shit that comes up and has to be navigated through. For me this was one of those times. My parents have been divorced for about 30 years. There is still the delicate "tight rope" walk and situations that feel icky and gross. My sisters and I grew up with my mother and her family and although we see my dad and his family we are somewhat distant from them. We aren't a part of most of the memories that give family members a sense of belonging. We are on the outside. One of the reasons the three of us stayed as close to my dad's family as we are was because of this aunt. She kept us connected all those years when my dad lived hundreds of miles away in Colorado. Because of that I have really good memories of my aunt, memories of cinnamon graham crackers under the trees in her backyard and really good games of hide-and-go-seek. But distance and divorce can do crazy things to family dynamics. The anticipation of what could happen because of those dynamics have to be waded through during emotionally intense family gatherings such as a death.
I have to admit that when my sister told me my aunt had died I was a little concerned about my reaction. I didn't know what I felt. I wasn't even certain I felt anything. She warned me my dad would be calling shortly and when he did call I didn't answer. I couldn't at that time handle the emotion that might be waiting for me on the other end. Instead I opted to wait to return his call when I was on my way home. Because my own feelings felt so unclear I didn't think I could hear my dad's feelings without either taking them on myself or totally pushing them away.
Luckily I was with two very good blogging friends when I received the news. They reminded me that grief doesn't have to look a certain way, that grief has as many faces as the situations that accompany the grief. My grief in this instance was more quiet and subdued. I wanted to find a restaurant and just sit for awhile. I didn't need to talk. I didn't need to cry. I just wanted to be still. And I have remained in that still place over the past few days. When I saw my aunt in her casket the tears did come but for the most part I have remained very drawn into myself.
Liz and Kim also reminded me that I have a right to my grief. My sisters and I have talked about how because of our distant relationship with my dad we often don't feel like we have the "right" to grieve for loved ones on his side of the family. When my dad's father died years ago I struggled to give myself permission to feel as sad as my cousins who did have a close relationship with him. My grief had a different aspect than their's--because of the distant relationship I would never know this man who truly meant a lot to me. Part of my grief was the fact that I would never have the chance to know him the way they did. And even if I had extra time chances are that wouldn't change the outcome. The odd dynamics of divorce would keep the distance in place despite how much time was available.
It's this aspect of grief that I don't know can be understood unless you have experienced it. I found it odd that at my aunt's funeral my cousins (her children) said for than once, "I'm so glad you girls could be here." I thought, where else would we be? Just because our relationship was distant and sometimes strained did not mean that my aunt didn't mean a great deal to us. Everyone on my dad's side of the family means more than most people realize. They are a part of our everyday lives even though we don't see them often. They are still a part of who we are. And there is always the ache for the relationship I would have liked to see exist that never will because of the way life turned out. I'm not saying that we don't have the choice to create the relationships we'd like to have. We do. But I also believe we operate within other people's choices as well and the choice of my parent's divorce has impacted the choices I have.
There is also another element that may not be understood unless you've experienced it and that is the role of the other parent. My mom stayed in close contact for many years with this particular aunt. While I can't say they were friends their continued relationship is part of what kept me and my sisters connected to that side of the family. So of course my mom wanted to attend the funeral. I don't know how that felt for my dad--if it was awkward, if it was welcomed, if it had no feeling at all. What I do know is how it felt for me. And it was a relief. I was glad to have her there with me both at the funeral and at the family visitation the night before. It was like having a familiar, stable presence in an uncertain situation, in a situation that was both emotional and uncomfortable. My mom's parents also attended the funeral and they too added that safe and familiar element to a situation I had to navigate that felt very awkward and uncertain.
Over the past few days I've been working through all of this within myself. I've not only been sitting with the grief of loosing an aunt but also navigating through the dynamics of divorce and the way divorce touches so many areas of life, even years down the road. In my experience there are times when divorce makes some situations more difficult and delicate, more uncertain and ambiguous. And just like I did when my parents' divorce was fresh and new, I find myself trying to figure out my way through it. As a child I had naivete on my side and was better able to just be. Now as an adult I find I am much more aware of the complexities that can accompany divorce and the "tight rope" walk of navigating through the unexpected parts that creep up along the way.
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