Continuing our Conversation

Long posts can be difficult to read because they require so much time which is why I wanted to wrap up last night's post and continue it tonight.

One of the most difficult things about what I've been experiencing lately is having to admit to myself what I'm thinking and feeling.  And because those thoughts and feelings don't represent who I want to be I've been pushing them away.  When I turned 30 I was more than happy to leave my 20s.  My 20s were hard on me and I looked forward to entering a new decade with new possibilities for growth and self-acceptance.  Which is why my feelings about my upcoming birthday have really caught me off guard.  I've never resisted turning older.  It was just a number.  The number may be increasing but I still felt the same age.  Although I knew I was getting older I didn't really feel older.  But something about the number 35 feels different.  It's made me realize I am getting older.  With that realization has come a lot of analyzing of my life--reviewing and evaluating the past as well as imagining and planning the future.

One of the feelings that continues to surface as I look at my life is anger.  Maybe anger isn't exactly the right word but it's the one I'm going to use.  It's more the feeling of missing out on something and being a little pissed off that you missed out on it.  And what have I missed out on?  Who I really wanted to be.  You might say well then start being who you want to be.  I am.  I know that I am.  But I can't deny that I've also been feeling some grief, disguised as anger, about what I've missed out on because I held myself back, I was too scared about what other people would think, and I was too busy trying to be a "good girl."  I missed out on a lot of showing up and although I can begin showing up now I'm sad about the time I've lost.  And that's where turning 35 comes into play.  I've had these moments of fear that I don't have enough time to become who I want to be, that a nice chunk of my life is gone and I can't get it back.  Maybe that should inspire me to cease the time I have left and really make it count.  It does...and it doesn't.  Yes it wakes me up to the reality of aging and how quickly time slips through our hands.  But it also has been stirring up a lot of fear in me and I've got to deal with the fear. 

I do recognize that a lot of the fears about aging that I have been having are totally off base and erroneous.  That's what fear is--False Expectations Appearing Real.  But even though I know the things I fear have no substance that doesn't take away the feelings.  No matter how I look at it, when it comes right down to it I'm scared.  I'm scared of what growing older means.  Maybe I should be excited about the possibilities, especially the possibility of the person I can become.  I am.  I may not sound like it in the last couple posts but I really am.  But coupled with that excitement is the fear of who I might not become and the grief/anger about who I wasn't able to be in the past.

There are a lot of beliefs I hold about myself, the world, life, God, that hold me back from being who I want to be.  I don't think we can make it through life without our fair share of skewed thinking.  It comes with being a human being and relating to other human beings.  When I was a chaplain my supervisor liked to call this skewed thinking "bad information."  If I said something about myself, or about life, or about God that was totally off base, something that came from this skewed thinking, he would say, "Somebody gave you some bad information."  And we all carry around that bad information.  We pick it up along the way--from something someone says or does, from something we read, from something we get from the media, etc.  Some of our bad information we hold onto all our lives.  Some of it we're lucky to loose along the way because we find the truth. 

I have a lot of skewed thinking.  God, where do I even start?  A lot of what I've mentioned in the past two posts comes directly from my skewed thinking.  One of the issues that has really been haunting me for the past couple months is my thoughts/beliefs about beauty--primarily my body and physical beauty.  My beliefs about beauty and how I see myself as far as beauty is concerned have really been wanting my attention lately and the fact that I have a big birthday in three days has only fueled the issue.  Someone once told me that it's good when our shit gets stirred up because it gives us a chance to deal with it...again.  Well, that's probably true.  It just doesn't feel good.  It feels the complete opposite of good.  At the time it feels like shit.  And that's how I have felt as I've had all these thoughts and issues about beauty rising to the surface.

It's already another long post and I still have so much more to say.  This seems like a good stopping point so I'll come back and talk some more about the beauty issue tomorrow.   

Comments

[Angela]

I feel the same way, and I'm so glad to have found your posts. I had something happen several months before my 35th birthday ( last year) and then two months afterwards, that just compounded the feelings, and I've just been a mess. I turn 36 this coming week, and I don't want to be in the same state I've been in. I wish I could feel good and let things go.

So many things you've written here, though - the anger at what you've missed out on, the feeling better about yourself in the late twenties/early thirties (I loved turning thirty), all of it is what I've been experiencing. Parts of my life have been nice and fine, but not how I really wanted them to be, and a good part of that is because of the lack of confidence I had in myself - my looks and my abilities, for years. I wasn't comfortable in my own skin, and now I cry for that girl, and for who I am now. It's like a nasty joke, having things fall into place, only for some of them to be ripped out from under you as you age.

[pen]

wow. i {really} hear you. loud and clear. sometimes it was as if you took the words right from my mind!

i turn 36 next month and i struggle with much of what you wrote. i wish i had a friend i could call and spill too. someone i felt would offer me the safe haven you would need to unfurl yourself so openly...

but even if i did, i'm still not sure i would find the courage to be honest. what you wrote here: "...it often feels like this whole piece of me I'm keeping quiet because I'm afraid to let it out" well, i am sometimes afraid that i've kept it quiet for so long it's disappeared. so much so, i am afraid to even try ~ in case i am right.

but then there are days like today, and posts like yours which make me think: it's okay, you are not alone.

and neither are you.

thank you so much for spilling and i {so} hope that you feel safe and supported enough to spill more. xx

[Melba]

i tried to write something encouraging, but i deleted it because i wasn't sure it was what you wanted to hear. so i just wanted to say i am listening.
xo,
Melba

[Tamsie]

I love this post. A real woman, real feelings and someone who has the guts to be real. Thank YOU! and, HBD

[pink sky]

when i turned 36 back in february, i thought to myself...self, you can lament and reminisce about the previous 36 years, or you can celebrate and embrace that you have (hopefully) another entire lifetime to live! here it is may and i am still doing both. truth be said, i imagine this is how it will be from now on...wisdom and regreat from years past, excitement and new pages for years ahead. it really is a dance michelle. and you, my friend are a beautiful dancer...in your words, in your freckles, in your heart. happy early 35th! celebrate the hell out of it!!!

[deirdre]

Birthdays are hard for me too and there are some that hit right in the gut. 35 was bad, 40 was worse, 41 was magic. That's all I'm going to say about it getting better and easier. The struggle with where we think we should be at a certain number is part of figuring it out. It feels really, really crummy, but it all makes sense later.

[Jennifer]

I know, and I hear you.