What I Took with Me from No Country for Old Men

Maybe there will always be a part of me that will push against where I come from.  Maybe there will always be this small piece of me that won't be able to completely come to peace with aspects of my heritage.  Maybe there are some things I will always push against because their familiarity has become binding and limiting and sometimes even boring.  Maybe I'm not alone in this.  Maybe we all have this as one of life's great learning curves.  I acknowledge I will probably always push against the conservatism of West Texas.  I don't see that changing.  I will probably always push against small town limits.  I will probably always push against George W Bush.  I will probably always feel a little self conscious about my strong Texas accent, an accent I'm sometimes worried makes me sound as if I'm not as intelligent as I really am.  I will probably never be able to fully understand some of the beliefs commonly associated with Texas as a whole.  I will probably always have this understanding of Natalie Maines when she made her oh-so-controversial statement about the current president (and by the way Natalie is from my home town.)  I will probably always worry I lack cultural exposure (I remember being a part of a conversation once about pickled herring and thinking, what the hell is picked herring.  But then again they probably aren't familiar with calf frys.)  I will probably always push against generalized statements regarding Texans, statements that assume we're all alike and that we all believe the same things.  I will probably always be drawn to what is different from what I know because different tends to be intriguing.  That is probably why at least once a month I have a very vivid dream about Paris and I wake to find myself aching for a place I know very little about.  That is probably why loosing myself in the streets of Paris some day is one of my life's dreams.  After all, isn't Paris just about the total opposite of West Texas?

But then, despite everything I push against, there will be a little something that pulls me back, not to the limits and the conservatism but to home and everything I know about home.  And when I say home I don't necessarily mean a place.  I mean all those things that make us feel as if we belong to a place and that that place belongs to us, home being more a sense of belonging than a location.  It's those little somethings that allow for moments of peace, moments when I stop pushing and accept where I come from and how where I come from contribute to who I am and who I am becoming.  Little things like Tommy Lee Jones.

I was sitting in a theater several weeks ago watching the critically acclaimed No Country for Old Men.  I enjoyed it, thought it was a very good story, and that it was very well told by the Coen brothers.  I do have to admit I'm not as crazy about it as a lot of critics.  It was good but I wasn't certain it was THAT good.  The one thing I loved most about the film was the performance by Tommy Lee Jones.  Javier Bardem seems to be getting all the attention for his role and that attention is well deserved.  He gave one hell of a performance.  That being said I have to say that for me it was Tommy Lee Jones that stole my heart.  It was Tommy Lee Jones that I found myself watching closely and waiting for his next scene.  I sat in the dark theater noticing the heaviness in his body and on his face, listening to his beautiful Texas accent, and I felt this sudden sense of home, home being everything that was familiar about his character and how all those familiarities gave me a sense of belonging.  I can't say I'm a huge Tommy Lee Jones fan.  I don't know enough about him or his work to make that claim.  I'm not saying every film he's ever made has been brilliant and that he always delivers a stellar performance.  I don't think that's true of any actor.  But what I am saying is that while watching his performance in No Country for Old Men he took me back home, took me back to all the things that are beautiful about my heritage, all the things that are positive about where I come from.  As silly as it may sound everything about his performance reminded me of all I do love about home and reminded me that although I sometimes push against many parts of where I'm from this place still belongs to me...and I still belong to it.  And I left that theater reminded that there really is so much I don't push against, there really are things I do appreciate and value.  There are things I'm proud of.  I left that theater falling a little bit in love with my own Texas accent just because his Texas accent is so completely mesmerizing and comforting in its familiarity.    

Comments

[Marilyn]

I'm smiling because even after all these years, it never occurred to me you'd have an accent...so now I can love you even more. ;) I think Tommy Lee Jones is an American treasure...and he just keeps getting better the older and craggier he gets. I understand the desire to push against that which we come from...I 'suffer' from it, too...and then I stand on a cliff overlooking the Pacific or gaze up at some redwoods...and wonder how I could have ever come from anywhere else...

Thank you for all of your comments. You might be about the only one reading the poems...and that's okay...I know you understand when I say I write them for myself...AND it's nice to have you read them. I'm not a fan of this manufactured holiday, but I hope all that's heart-based and good comes to you today, friend. Much love. xoxo

[schmoops]

i'm not from texas but my husband and two of my best friends are. they tell me stories all the time, and i might have to agree that paris might be the very opposite of west texas... hee hee

but i love austin and big sky country and i loved no country for old men, disturbing as some of it was.

i would love to hear your cute texas accent! ; )

xoxo

[claire]

Well I've never met a Texan, so I 'know' you without any real cultural context. In my geography of you, you are personally aware, witty, switched on and wonderful!

I'm from a small town and prefer them to live in but not be constrained by. My constraints have come from having a well-known businessman as a father in a small town, and the subtle but powerful messages I have learned from that having so.

At least small towns have more greenery and mountains compared to cities I guess.

[deirdre]

I grew up in a smallish town with only the foreign accent I inherited from my parents. We weren't a very sophisticated place then and people who moved here from bigger places were happy to let us know that. (Makes me wonder why they moved here at all.) We've grown, a lot, now that a glass of wine has become a "lifestyle", and with that growth we've lost our true charm and soul.

I know the way this land lays and from which direction the wind blows in the afternoons. I haven't always fit in here, though I love this place. It's taken a long time to find my people. It seems that's part of making a home in the world.

I haven't seen this movie, but Tommy Lee Jones has always been one of my favorites. That world-weary face expresses more with a sigh than many actors can with long explanations.

[Bethany]

Wow, and wow. I too grew up in Texas, and I feel like you've captured my same sentiments perfectly. Now that I'm living in Italy, I feel almost... vindicated? Like finding a different culture is my delectable grown-up rebellion. But sometimes, in very unexpected moments, I too find myself missing the place that used to be mine. (Or maybe I'm mostly missing the Blue Bell...) :)
I love your writing; thank you for sharing.

[amy]

i love this post. it touches beautifully on ideas about identity and connections to a sense of place. i want to ponder it a little more. i might come back and comment again. thank you for sharing your wonderful voice.