This is me today...

Today the weather was so warm I didn't need a jacket and being able to walk into the warm sunshine made me feel alive...Today I'm not certain what I want to write about and decided I needed to simply write about where I am right now, today, because the uncertainty about what to write stems from the unusual week I've had (unusual meaning totally out of our 'normal' routine) and the feelings of disconnection this unusual week brought with it ...Today I want to curl up with my journal and make a list of things I want to do that I don't let myself do because of fear, intimidation, or the simple fact I don't make time for it...Today that type of list seems essential because it will bring me back to myself and that's exactly what I need...Today I wish I could hide away for several hours to make that type of list and do some additional writing because when my words start to pile up inside me I feel off balance...Today I renewed a friendship with someone I haven't seen for almost 5 years...Today I learned that when you've gone into yourself and out again with someone else, seeing that person again is like picking up right where you left off, that deep connection is still there because you have shared far too much of yourself with that person (and vice versa) for it to dissolve...Today I realized how far I've come and where I am headed and that feels both right and good...Today I'm feeling sad about my co-worker leaving his position and moving to another city not just because his position will be vacant but because he really has given a lot to me in the short amount of time I've known him...Today I have decided to make a small career change and although I know it's the best thing for me in the long run I feel grief over the things I will miss about my current position...Today I am opening the door to new possibilities...Today I am being brave and believing in my abilities...Today I sense body image issues beginning to resurface which feels like I'm battling my body again because those issues always bring with them a feeling of desperation and panic...Today I ache to be at peace with myself...Today I hunger for authenticity and the courage to more often make myself vulnerable without immediately feeling the need to draw back into myself, protect myself, and fold my heart back up...Today I wish there were times you could hold on to something and never let it go...Today I'm in denial about some things I'm feeling because I'm not ready to feel them fully and that's okay for the moment but I've got to get real soon because although not getting real is an option it's not the healthiest and wisest and most authentic option...Today my son has strep throat and 5ths disease (sounds dramatic but really it's not) and that has knocked this week out of balance...Today I am resisting my e-mail because I just don't want to deal with it...Today I want to feel beautiful but those resurfacing body image issues are getting the best of me...Today I know those issues are eating at me but I choose tenderness and compassion...Today I choose to love myself...Today I found a sweet card propped against my bathroom mirror left there by my mom...Today I'm grateful that I'm starting to see my mom in a fuller way, not just as a parent, but as a fellow human being with her own goals and dreams...Today I'm planning a trip to my aunt's house for the weekend to take pictures of my newly engaged cousin and although it's family I still get nervous before a portrait session...I'm ready to let go of today...

Comments

[Marilyn]

I *LOVE* this post. Also love the photo (and you're wearing my favorite cap style.)

[megg]

Hey sweet girl!!

Today I wish we were all sitting around that table in Seattle, giggling and snapping photographs of each other. I'd dying to know how you are and how brave you are being!!

I miss you - keep going - you're doing great!!!

LOVE YOU.

[Sam]

Checking on you, my friend, and sending love. And smooshy face baby kisses, because I've got handfuls to spare...

[jenica]

today i'm thinking of you and missing your words.

(((hugs)))

[Kirsten Michelle]

today, i'm soaking up the beauty of your new banner and sending a little love into your quiet.
thinking of you,
k
xo

[jamie]

Well, I have to tell you I arrived her today and just beamed at your picture. There you were - an artist and photographer. Beautiful.

[cv]

I just found your blog and am really looking forward to reading about you. I'm a photographer as well, and am always wanting to learn and grow.

Your startpoint post is good, I think it's great to be able to go back later and see where you were.

All my best to you, as you move beyond today and into tomorrow!

[Sarcomical]

oh, i love your posts so very much, and i'm just getting started here with you. i can't wait to follow your experiences more, as a fellow aspiring photographer and someone who also loves writing as well. i feel moved by your posts and just wanted to say, Hi.

take care.

[linni]

I want to jump on my bike,
come over with a bottle of wine
and flowers,
chitter-chatter,
give you a hug,
and thank you!

Sweet dreams! xx

[deirdre]

I'm always amazed by the fullness that rushes out when I'm not sure what to write, but do it anyway. I love how you went with whatever came up and let it out. You've had an eventful week.

I hope your little guy is feeling better.

[darlene]

you look so incredibly beautiful in that photo doing what you love :) i hear you on the body issues and am trying not to let this take me over, sigh. today i am trying to live inside of my realities. i loved this ... xo

[JanePoe (aka Deborah)]

My son had fifth's disease when he was little too ... sending you peace and love today and always. xx, JP/deb

[claire]

I wish I had something clever and deep to respond with, but all I can think is that some days are just so full of ....stuff.

[Frankie]

LOVE this! Today you are so beautiful and open and honest and real. Everything you have chosen to do, to be, makes you that much more the strong, phenomenal woman you are and continue to become. It's funny how sometimes simply being conscious of the choices you make, of the things you want out of life and yourself, can make all the difference, can bring you that much closer to having it all. Thanks for inspiring awareness in me.

Hope B is feeling better!!

xoxoxo

[Thea]

Oh why can't I grab that photo of you and hug it?

I am with you today. So much of what you wrote-as always-is just where I am.

The sensation being so strange-to struggle with writing and then read someone so close to my heart write just what I am feeling.

I miss you so much my heart aches.

I hope you check your email because there is one from me awaiting you.

Love you snuggles

[Susi]

You have inspired me to try to come out of hiding and to be more authentic on my blog. I think you are very beautiful inside and out. You are a very talented writer. You are a very brave woman and I feel a connectedness (is that a word?) to you and I am rooting for you because you are acknowledging your feelings yet moving forward. Good luck with you career move.

[Alex]

I like how you let go of your day at the end of your list. Sometimes I trade my morning pages for evening ones and they end just like that. Ahhh... Feels good doesn't it?

[Bethany]

What a lovely way to find your way out of "disconnection"... I'm a list girl too, and sometimes just giving my thoughts a permanent home on paper gives me the peace I need. Oh, by the way, FABULOUS hat!

[bella]

I love how this picture offers different angles of you, and your words offer small glimpses of the many feelings going on within you. This was beautiful to read and touched me in a powerful way. I begin to question what I need from today and what I am ready to let go of.

[bee]

i so hear you on this.

this is a great idea for a post, and i love how the randomness of it actually shows me a rounder portrait of you.

i think all of it and you is beautiful.
xx

[kelly]

today...i am diggin that hat!
today...i am reminded that we all have issues.
today...i am so happy i found your blog
today...i wish i could go to artfest, so i could sit and chat, have a beer with you.
today...i so need to pick up my brush and paint
today....i wish you a merry weekend

[gkgirl]

love this photo of you...
this glimpse.

and also this glimpse
into where you are today,
and what you have been feeling/doing.

the body issues resonate.

and when you said you choose tenderness
and compassion, it made me stop and thing
a moment.
do i ever do that? do i ever look at
handling "myself" with tenderness
and compassion? hmmmmm.

thank you, as always, for making me
stop and think.

and happy friday to you, i know you will
rock the portrait session!!!!!