Swimming in Dark Water

I've said it a lot lately but I feel the need to say it again, especially because this week has been so tough on me (and it's only Tuesday)--I'm struggling.  That seems to be the theme of my life lately.  And maybe that's okay.  I guess that's why I keep writing about it, talking about it, sharing about it.  I'm trying to convince myself it's okay.  I'm trying to give myself permission to be in this place, to swim in these dark waters. 

When dark waters start to rise my immediate reaction is to swim to the shore as quickly as possible, to scramble up the bank to dry land as if my life depended on it.  It's uncomfortable and often painful to stay in the water.  I want to escape, to get to a place that feels better.  I want to step over the gulf of darkness.  I dare not stick anything more than a toe in...and then only so far.  I try to walk through it without getting my hair wet.  But this time I'm trying to sit in it instead of pushing it away.

Maybe we don't really experience one big mid-life crisis but instead we experience several crises during the course of our lives.  Maybe for me this is one of them.  It certainly feels like one.  I'm struggling with who I am and who I want to be.  I feel like the life I daydream about, fantasize about, is coming face to face with my real life and the two are clashing.  Maybe this is what has to happen so the two can meet in the middle. 

I dream of bumping along desert roads in a beat up pick up, camera sitting in the seat beside me, window rolled down to breathe in the Santa Fe air--a mysterious, reclusive woman some believe to actually be a ghost.  In reality I'm a mother who can't afford to be reclusive because her 4 year old needs her.  In reality I live in a West Texas town I don't see myself leaving anytime some because family is here and my little one needs to be close to family.

I fantasize about wearing cowboy boots with knee length skirts and turquoise jewelry so heavy it nearly weighs me down.  In reality I work an 8-5 job whose dress code normally requires pantyhose or at least nice slacks.  I fantasize about wearing ripped jeans and raggedy but comfortable t-shirts.  In reality my weight fluctuates so much I avoid jeans at all costs.

The clashing of one life with the other (they probably actually call this growing up or adulthood) is challenging me to be okay with what is, to make what I do have enough.  I may never write a book but I've written some damn good blog posts.  Can that be enough?  I may never see my poetry bound between hardcovers but it's published here.  Can that be enough?  I may never sit in a coffee house on open mic night and read my words to a room full of strangers but maybe this is my open mic and if so then I have read my poetry to strangers who have become friends.  Can that be enough?  I may never photograph Johnny Depp but I have photographed the children of close friends and I've seen their faces light up when they've seen my work.  Can that be enough?

I'm not saying I'm going to stop dreaming.  I'm not giving up on my Mondo Beyondo list.  I'm just saying I'm being challenged right now by two lives that don't seem to be able to merge into one.  And that challenge sometimes leaves me questioning my dreams.  It sometimes leaves me wondering what I can achieve/accomplish and what may never be mine.  Will I really sit in the shadow of the Eiffel Tower one day?  Will I ever explore the streets of Rome and the winding roads of Tuscany with 6 of my favorite women in the world?  Will I even ever see them again?  Will I really have that home outside of Santa Fe?  Will I ever be comfortable in my own skin and stop pushing against myself?  Will I ever move beyond personality and biology or is it time to learn more about acceptance?  And am I getting too old for some of my dreams?  Is it time to let them go and adjust for new ones?

I tell you all of this because, well, lately the dark water has been all consuming.  There have been nightmares that have left me in tears.  There have been nights when I slip in bed two hours earlier than normal.  There have been days I've wanted to die and days when I've wanted to erase myself off the face of the earth.  There have been days being around other people has drained me of all energy, leaving me a limp, hollow version of myself.  And there have been days I've yelled at myself, my son, my partner, God, and everything else imaginable, including the daydreams and fantasies that often feel more real than my own life.  This is where I am and I don't know what else to write about because this is what is taking my energy and my focus.  I'm in the dark waters.  And I'm trying to be okay with that, to just let it be what it is, to not run to some place that feels better just because I don't know if I can stand the pain, grief, and discomfort.  I'm trying to sort through it all...or at least listen to the questions.  I'm trying to learn to breathe in water.

Comments

[Marilyn]

Just catching up after our vacation... Being a little older than you...okay (cough) a LOT older...let me share how I reconcile the contradictory feelings you describe here, because I've struggled with this very thing for decades. No, I may not have my 'dream life'...but when I look at my life now compared to how it looked even a few years ago, it slowly dawns on me that a few years ago, THIS would have seemed like a dream life. It seems to me that what happens is that to keep growing, we keep growing our dreams (as we should), but sometimes we forget to fully appreciate what we've already ventured and gained. We sometimes (amid work and family and financial stress) forget to savor the dream ELEMENTS we've already incorporated into our lives. Peel off those pantyhose the minute you're home from work...slip on those boots and jeans...and let 'her' savor that which you've already birthed in your new life. xoxo

[Kerstin]

My swimming instructor once told me that should I ever find myself in a vortex in the ocean to NOT fight it, but rather to let it pull me down and then dive out of it sideways from the bottom. This may not be the perfect analogy for your situation but what I am trying to say is that whenever I have found myself struggling with certain situations in my life, e.g. a relationship break-up or an unhappy job, things became a lot better once I accepted the situation for what it was: a part of my journey and thus a part of who I am.

Dreams and passions are vital ingredients for our spiritual wellbeing, yet there is also a very practical and "real" side to life, e.g. being a mother and partner, having a job, cleaning the house etc. It has been my experience that whenever I struggled in any of those areas and was dreaming of a "free" life, it helped me to stop fighting the situation, and myself, and instead to embrace the positive aspects, such as the security of a regular income, or professional recognition, or knowing that you are doing the right thing for someone you love.

You will be surprised how much easier things will become once you stop struggling and swim with the flow, your head high above the water, with a clear view of the shoreline and your dreams. I totally agree with the others, you are a gifted photographer and writer, and I have no doubt that you will swim to that shorelines and make your dreams reality.

Take good care,
Kerstin

[megg]

YOU WILL SEE US AGAIN. I promise. I swear on my own life. I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN and it will be SOON. We will have incredible adventures. More than one in fact - we will have adventureS. I am in this for LIFE. I. PROMISE. I VOW. I SWEAR.

I. LOVE. YOU.

[Sam]

I honor your struggle. Something sprang to mind while reading this: that the sacrifices you are making now (especially when it comes to B) are worth it. I know you're trying to find balance between you and the other you, the person you dream of being. I think you will continue to find ways to morph and change and truly "grow up" - without becoming that woman who drives down the road one day and doesn't come back. I think you are so brave to swim in these dark waters, to deal with it, without trying to bury it in destructive ways. Sometimes I wonder about the woman who raised my husband, if all her issues that still bring about so much pain (drugs, choosing destructive men) were simply the burying away of what we all struggle with. The fantasy and the reality. Thanks for making me think - as always.

[Georgia]

I think this post speaks to more people than you may realize...

I felt each word you wrote, they are all painfully true to me as well.

I think most of my life has been lived in the dark waters... But there are days, and months of brilliant light mixed in with all of that too. I wonder if the light would be so wonderful if the dark was not there.

I think that your photography is some of the most beautiful I have ever seen, I wish I could do what you do behind the lens. And the words you write... I love them all. It seems that more often than not your posts are speaking what I never can, what I don't know how to say.

I will be sending you some psychic hugs :)

xoxox

[eileen]

bless you michelle in this time of disturbance....so often in "listening to the questions" new answers unfold. i have mentioned the wisdom/guidance of pema chodron before and again her reminder of "the more we want things to be different than they are -the more we suffer" comes to mind. let me be a mirror for you for this moment and tell you that i see a loving young mother, tired- yet enthusiastic, creative, articulate, in love with the possibilities that life offers, desiring, beautiful, gentle,nuturing and humorous. you really are incredible. remember it all changes and so will this.

[kelly]

hang in there chickadee....just ride out thewave. i am here in middle indiana giving you a big hug!

[donaB]

I'm treading my own deep dark water these days, so your words struck a chord with me. Different details, but the same feelings of longing and conflict.

I think that the idea of learning to float is important, though that desire to strike out for shore is strong. Honoring our dreams and longings is important - it shows us where are passions are. But not every dream can be realized immediately. Maybe you (and me, too) can find ways to adjust some dreams in the now, and hold on to others for some later point when the opportunities will be different. Hold on to your dreams, though. Life is long.

[Angela]

what will happen if we float in these waters, is it possible, what if we step into the largeness that we are? working on some of these very questions too...

[Kay-Lyne]

It's so hard being at a place where all you can see is water and not a life boat or a piece of wood in sight you can use for a floating device.

It's been a few years in the making and towards the middle of last year I had enough. I loved the work I was doing, but I was spending my time on the road driving to work, working night and day and I hardly had anything to show for it.

I wished for a simpler life, a more relaxed life and a life where I can live my dreams. Well, today I've relocated countries and I am sitting on a gorgeous island, feeling mostly happy to be in my skin. It didn't solve my acceptance problems and depression, but I'm in a better place to deal with it. Not everyone's changes are as dramatic as mine, but it did happen. I just had to learn to swim and ride the waves. And the waves carried me further than in my wildest dreams.

Hang on as tight as possible and never let go. It gets better.

Kae

[daisies]

your dreams they will happen in small chunks over time in ways you might not even recognize ... they are beginning to happen even as i type this ... you write amazing poetry and you take brilliant photos and your spirit is large, it comes across in your words ... and you have responsibilities, real life responsibilities (i so completely understand this one) that consume energies but i also know that it can all happen regardless and you will know the beautiful and oh so scary thrill of reading in a coffeeshop with your words carefully pressed between pages as your life watches in pride. you are amazing and real and oh so very talented, truly ~ your challenges will not win over your beautiful spirit i think ... xoxox

[Star]

Like you, I imagine how easy it would be to pursue a different life without strings. But the things that limit me in some ways also support me (in many ways) and strengthen me as well.

Deep waters. Yup...I've been there too. And for the last few weeks I've stopped trying to swim against the current, gulping more water than making progress, and just turned over to float on my back while, catch my breath. Hopefully it will give me a chance to relax my mind, to be open and receptive, and to renew my spirit.

Have faith in yourself; see the butterfly unfolding her wings that we see.

[Sarah e. Smith]

Though I dont know you as personally as some of the amazing women in Blogland do, but I have had the opportunity to watch you and your amazing craft bloom and grow. Though sometimes you wirte about hard times and struggles within your soul,i see such amazing beauty and talent coming from behind the lens and keyboard ;) Making it "big" and becomin a huge success whether it be poetry, photography or whatever dreams you have and are trying to pursue would be an amaing feat to accomplish, but dont forget that along the way you have picked up many adoring fans who truly admire and are in awe of what you create. You can count me in as being one of them :) xxoo

[Right Brained Gal]

I know exactly what you are going through.Here is the advice I tell myself on a daily basis. Having children changes you and you can never be that independent spirit again. What you have to do is incorporate them into your life and make it an adventure for everyone involved. You can never let your self become absorbed by everyone around you. Stay true to yourself. Work on your insides and everything on the outside will fall into place.

[Right Brained Gal]

I know exactly what you are going through.Here is the advice I tell myself on a daily basis. Having children changes you and you can never be that independent spirit again. What you have to do is incorporate them into your life and make it an adventure for everyone involved. You can never let your self become absorbed by everyone around you. Stay true to yourself. Work on your insides and everything on the outside will fall into place.

[Right Brained Gal]

I know exactly what you are going through.Here is the advice I tell myself on a daily basis. Having children changes you and you can never be that independent spirit again. What you have to do is incorporate them into your life and make it an adventure for everyone involved. You can never let your self become absorbed by everyone around you. Stay true to yourself. Work on your insides and everything on the outside will fall into place.

[Right Brained Gal]

I know exactly what you are going through.Here is the advice I tell myself on a daily basis. Having children changes you and you can never be that independent spirit again. What you have to do is incorporate them into your life and make it an adventure for everyone involved. You can never let your self become absorbed by everyone around you. Stay true to yourself. Work on your insides and everything on the outside will fall into place.

[Right Brained Gal]

I know exactly what you are going through.Here is the advice I tell myself on a daily basis. Having children changes you and you can never be that independent spirit again. What you have to do is incorporate them into your life and make it an adventure for everyone involved. You can never let your self become absorbed by everyone around you. Stay true to yourself. Work on your insides and everything on the outside will fall into place.

[Right Brained Gal]

I know exactly what you are going through.Here is the advice I tell myself on a daily basis. Having children changes you and you can never be that independent spirit again. What you have to do is incorporate them into your life and make it an adventure for everyone involved. You can never let your self become absorbed by everyone around you. Stay true to yourself. Work on your insides and everything on the outside will fall into place.

[jenica]

(((hugs)))

[ceanandjen]

Were you with me in spirit when I wrote my own post tonight? Good grief do I ever feel you on this. I do not even know what to say other than to tell you that on many levels, I understand and that there is something on that other side of this. I am not clear on exactly which path to take, but I am clear that there is something there.

And no, you are not too old for your dreams. You are never too old for your dreams. What you are...is tired.

I am sending you love and peace...and a virtual hand.
xoxoxo