237 Reasons I Feel a Hell of a Lot Lighter Today

This may end up being one of those posts that borders on being a little too personal.  But if we never talk about the truly personal then how do we know we aren't alone, how do we let others know we've struggled with the same issues?  So I'm gonna take that risk...

Lately I've been dealing with some issues regarding aging--dreams, responsibilities, letting go, holding on, the body, the emotions, the becoming...and yes, I'll admit it, one of the big issues I've been wrestling with is sex.  Now those of you who are older are going to read this post and snicker at me and that's okay.  But hey, remember when you were my age?  It's hard to see into the future and get a clear image of how things will or will not be.  Those of you who are closer to my age will hopefully read this post and will either feel encouraged or will offer me a bit of encouragement by letting me know you're on this journey as well.  I've been having some extreme worries, bordering on near panic, about sex and the aging process.  As silly as this may sound to some of you please know that for me this has been very real.  I have been exploring the idea of aging and I've had moments when I've been scared that my time of having sex is coming to an end...slowly but surely.  Sure I'm only 34 but you know as well as I do that you're 34 one day and 64 the next.  It's only a matter of time.  And at the end of that time line is a dried up, passionless, sexless me...and I haven't been dealing with that very well...not well at all.  In fact it would probably be fair to say I've been downright depressed about it...and slightly bitchy because I tend to get bitchy when it comes to a lack of sex...or even just the idea of a lack of sex.  I mean how do you begin to come to terms with the things you may be giving up as part of the aging process...especially if you really love those things and don't want to give them up?

Well, those were my thoughts before yesterday's episode of Oprah.

Monday morning I noticed that Tuesday's episode was titled 237 Reasons to Have Sex.  I immediately knew I had to watch that episode.  With everything I've been thinking about and tossing around lately I knew I needed anything and everything that would affirm and encourage my sexuality.  A lovely girlfriend and I took the entire day off yesterday, doing fun girl things and eating delicious food, and we ended our day on my couch watching Oprah together.  By the time the episode was over I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my chest, a weight that had been crushing my ribs, restricting my breathing (and my vision), and causing sheer panic.  The episode was about current sexual trends in America.  As part of the episode Oprah interviewed women, including a couple of sex therapists, who are in their 60s (and then some) who claim they are having the best sex of their lives, that their 20s had nothing on this.  Hearing those women's stories and their laughter was exactly what I needed.  And let me tell you those women sharing their stories were absolutely radiant and empowered and dare I say happy beyond belief.  I may wish I hadn't said this tomorrow but here it is--I firmly believe that women who have good sex can change the world.  Those gorgeous, radiant 60+ women on Oprah yesterday only strengthened that philosophy.  Honey I have no doubt that every single woman Oprah talked with could rock this world...and are by agreeing to share their stories on national television so the rest of us who are scared and doubtful (like myself) can take heart and breathe easier and feel their hope restored. 

I've thought long and hard about the philosophy I shared in the above paragraph--the one about good sex and changing the world.  I believe this because one of the things tied into having good sex is connecting to yourself, listening to yourself, learning about yourself, being willing to ask for what you want, being brave enough to make yourself vulnerable, being strong enough to share all those parts and pieces with another human being, and being open enough to enter similar parts and pieces of another human being.  There is something extremely empowering about being willing and able to take that journey into a healthy and satisfying sexuality.  And if you can do that, and god knows it isn't easy, and there's rejections, and mistakes, and blunders, and bad judgment, and hits and misses, and dry spells, and all the other fun and not so fun stuff that comes with sexuality, if you can find that empowerment and ownership and pleasure, if you can embrace the strength that comes with that journey then you have not only learned valuable life skills but you feel the freedom, power, courage, self-assuredness, and raw audacity it takes to change the world one little step after another.

Yesterday's episode of Oprah was over before I knew it but I could have sat in front of the TV for hours and listened to more stories from these fabulous women because I love it when women are open enough to share the very private but real pieces of their lives.  When the credits rolled I turned to my lovely friend and said, god I feel so good now.  And I did.  And I still do.  There are little fears and worries (okay sometimes their actually pretty damn big) that come with aging but when other women who have already been there and done that share what it can be like if you choose to claim and create the life you want and need it can truly alleviate some of those fears and worries.  And hey, if those women are right, if they really are having the best sex of their lives, then it could actually make you want to speed up the aging process just so you can get to the good stuff a little faster.

*i couldn't resist using the image above because today I am a much happier girl...  

Comments

[Frida]

It is personal - and there is a reason why our feminist pioneers said that the personal is political. i believe you are right about the personal and political significance of women having great sex - and you articulate it very, very well. so glad that Oprah was in tune with you too!

[Denise]

Well, I am 29 and feel the same as you. I find those shows on oprah about the positive aspects of growing older inspiring - especially as I haven't had a partner for a long time and you get to think your never going to get one after a certain amount of time passes - it good to know there is some likelihood of it happening though!

[gkgirl]

i think it is brave
to speak of something so
personal...and it's great
to get the dialogue going,
especially on something
that has been weighing so
heavy on you...

and :( cause i missed
that episode.

[colorsonmymind]

ROAR

Girl you really rock. I love your writing as I said to you yesterday on the phone. You have a way of putting it while you are growing that just floors me.

You are one of my sheros lovely one.

Oh how I adore you
XOXOXOXO

[gail]

how wonderful that you shared your deepest truth with us...so alive, so free, so real, yummy, this is what we need as woman, as a community,...as one who has major sexuality issues i enjoyed looking at sex from your perspective of empowerment and growth, what a refreshing view, i have been left with much to think about and already feel a change stirring inside of me, thank you

[Delia]

beautiful...I think you are onto something here, Michelle. As someone experiencing relationship changes and "growth" right now myself, this was certainly appreciated!
Love,
D.

[dragonflydreamer]

I very much related to and was relieved to read your post. I love this wonderful blogging world of creative women who I believe are changing the world. I also notice that we talk about home, children, family, crafts, scrapbooking, crafting, etc... but your courage is awesome. I am 43 and have been in life transition for a very long time. A few years ago I was so scared of the mere thought of becoming intimate if the right person came along. For all of the reasons you spoke of because I was not comfortable in my own skin, being vulnerable, being that intimate with someone and letting them see me with all of my guards down. I also began to feel that my time had passed only to turn a corner and find an amazing man who made me feel that I would hate myself if I let him slip away. He showed me how beautiful I was and how powerful such a connection made me feel. I believe my age gave me the mindset to let go of my insecurities and allowed myself to feel my femininity and sexuality. Thanks for sharing such a personal issue and letting others know that it is something many if not all of us feel.

[bella]

I feel more confident in my thoughts, my ideas, and my sexuality with each year that passes. It's becoming more of a truth for me - that with age and experience comes a sort of wisdom and understanding. I see the world differently and that definitely excites me. I welcome the aging process now with open arms.

[Mardougrrl]

Sex is definitely one of my big issues...something that I am thinking about a lot lately. I want to capture a bit of the joyful passion you've expressed here.

And congrats on the Artful Blogger magazine thing! I saw it today and thought it was very cool.

[Lee]

Nicely said. We carry far too much baggage and inhibitions and hang-ups and misplaced moral 'judgements' at times.

[Goddess of Leonie]

One of my mentors is the sexiest sixty year old goddess I have ever met. she gets an F for Foxy! i honour how much she honours and is in energy with her sexuality and sensuality... may we all remember just how GOOD that can be ;)
big hugs for your bravery, girl!

[carolee]

ditto what everyone else said.

and this old adage: use it or lose it. :)

practice, ladies, practice! (it's a good excuse, anyway)

[daisies]

i love that you wrote this and i remember having similar worries but am finding as i navigate my thirties looking foward to my forties that my sex life is only improving in ways that i never dreamed possible.

its funny really because when i look at photos of myself in my twenties i physically looked like a person that should have been super confident with her sexuality but i was so insecure and uncomfortable with it all but as the years go by, i am more and more comfortable and confident with my sexuality and that carries over into my sex life. i sense its only going to keep getting better and i love that :)

xox

[kristine]

Great post! I love the photo too. I saw this Oprah show and enjoyed it. I've had similar fears and so what you said here really resonated with me...

[Sam]

Man! I meant to watch this, but Tuesdays are never good for me when it comes to Oprah. I guess I'm going to have to set the Tivo...

Anyway, thanks for being honest and open about your fears. All I know is that I spent most of my late teens and early twenties trying to avoid/feeling guilty about sex and that sort of thing...and so I really do want to ENJOY myself (and my man) for all the years to come. I am excited to hear that it gets even better! But you know what I miss? Is that wild abandon - the carefree making out, all that - it seems so long ago. Of course, here I am, just had a baby, and really feel gun shy about sex at this point. Husband and I were talking about how we're going to have to take the kidlet out of the house entirely to fully focus on each other, at least the first time - but man, it's been so long, and I feel downright nervous about the whole shebang. This is SO the TMI comment, I do apologize.

[JanePoe (aka Deborah)]

Naming your fear and calling it out ... now that is power! I'm so glad the show could provide you with some direction and inspiration. The Universe provides and speaks to us in many different ways. Much peace & love to you, xx, JP/deb

[gracie]

Just last night I overheard a resident at the nursing home, where I work, talking on the phone. (She would be in her 80s) She said "I'm behaving... lack of opportunity really!" then later in her conversation suggested eloping to some Greek Island. Sexuality is ageless! Great post, Michelle.

[Lisa]

I am 42 (43 in March) and I am having the best sex of my life.

I went through the same fears not too long ago. The person I was with no longer wanted me. I missed sex desperately, yet was afraid that I would never really enjoy it again.

Then I learned about the Law of Attraction and realized that I deserved a good, loving relationship with someone who valued sex, as well as all the other ways of being intimate.

I let go of my old, loveless, passionless self and relationship and joined with the man of my dreams (truly) and, it has been the most positive thing in my life.

Women having good sex can change the world, for sure. Perhaps it is an indication of a deeper sense of self and connection with others or maybe it's a sense of intimacy that spiritually carries us further than we imagine.

There is no age limit on sexual fulfillment; only a lack of imagination can limit us.

[Alex]

I think it is okay if our sexual life changes with time. And changing doesn't mean ending. To the contrary... We can take full advantage of a new phase by giving into it and using our imagination.
(now let's hope this post doesn't generate tons of naughty "spam" for you! ;P)

[seaangels]

Sorry about this..... but you have every right to worry. I went through the change ten years ago, and I had read all the feel positive articles, and bought all the fab herbs you can take and joined the 'get positive' groups. But I must say it is very unpleasant, it's so hard to your femininity to loose your periods, and even more devastating to your body as well as your husband to loose your sex drive and your hormones. Your hair falls out, your skin becomes dry and ages, you become tired and moody. Ok.....for me that was the honest truth, but knowing that this can happen, means you can arm yourself, you are facing a huge challenge, it can be life changing and is frightening but by facing the truth you can make this easier, by starting now.Simple things like increase your calcium intake, watch your diet, excercise really exercise, don't smoke, have friends, have hobbys, do pilates, listen to your body, and talk to your partner and be honest with him or her as to how you are feeling. I did get through it, I have a good life now, I enjoy making love, I am slim and healthy,but to do this I had to be really honest with myself as to what was happening with my body, only then could I reach out for help.It will be hard for a few years but it does improve.
I think you are being really brave with this subject, good luck
Lynn xx

[hel]

It only gets better.

[Toryssa]

I would drink to the idea of good sex making the world a better place... for all the reasons you said, and for the sheer mood enhancement factor.

[Lianne]

Thank you for sharing this. I absolutely believe that good sex comes from intimacy, and women who can achieve intimacy can indeed change the world. It is through our authenticity that we make a difference.

I am so glad you are at peace with this.

[Sarah Louise]

Thanks for writing about this. I loved your preface: "But if we never talk about the truly personal then how do we know we aren't alone, how do we let others know we've struggled with the same issues? So I'm gonna take that risk..."

If you can't risk, you can't grow. I am learning how to be in my own skin...

[Sarah Louise]

Thanks for writing about this. I loved your preface: "But if we never talk about the truly personal then how do we know we aren't alone, how do we let others know we've struggled with the same issues? So I'm gonna take that risk..."

If you can't risk, you can't grow. I am learning how to be in my own skin...