It's Been a Sweet Life

I've been avoiding this blog.  Why?  Because honestly my life hasn't felt very sweet lately.  In fact it's felt anything but sweet.  There's nothing necessarily wrong and yet life just hurts.  I'm not taking time to enjoy the fullness of life or stopping to savor the sweetness.  I'm not looking for life's beauty or poetry.  I've felt unenergized and uncreative.  I've felt tangled. 

I wish I could tell you that I'm out conquering the world of photography, that I'm mastering Photoshop, that my creative dreams are coming true at a rate that is making my heart bubble with giddy glee.  Unfortunately that's not true.  Instead I've been struggling.  Photoshop is kicking my ass and I can't seem to see the worth of my work.  My web-site is far from finished and I'm having a hard time not letting discouragement get the best of me.  This trying to create my creative dreams is so much harder than I ever imagined.  Oh I knew in my head it would be a struggle.  I knew fears would pop their little heads up...okay, big heads.  I knew I would have moments of paralysis.  But what I didn't know is how it would challenge everything I thought I believed about myself.  What I didn't know is how often I would want to give up, how I would sell myself short in an attempt to keep myself safe.  I didn't know how appealing remaining small would often appear.  I didn't know I'd turn against myself and beat myself up any and every chance I'd get.  I didn't know is how pursuing this new endeavor would have more days when I'd crawl into myself and hide from the world than it would days of joyous delight and pride in my accomplishments.

And to top it all off I've cut myself off from my support network--you, my dear blogging friends.  Being disconnected from all of you really has worn on my spirit.  I'm in a time of major life transition, not just with the photography stuff but with work and some other things in life, which has kept me from checking in on you all and prevented me from knowing what's going on with you.  All this disconnection really has left me feeling sad and friendless.  I miss being present in this community.  But I just haven't known how to share that.  I haven't known what to say.  I haven't known how to admit how weak and fragile and vulnerable I feel right now.  I haven't known how to say I want to give up, I want to quit, and I need you to tell me not to. 

Right now at this point in my journey I feel very, very tangled.  There are parts of this process that I need to be sharing and yet this doesn't seem like the right place.  I feel like I'm ready for a change.  I'm not getting rid of this blog.  It means too much to me to do that.  But I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it.  I used to be good at keeping track of the things I'm grateful for and maybe that's what this blog's purpose will become--my gratitude blog.  Maybe this will remain the place where I do celebrate the sweetness.  But my current tangled journey and the pursuit of this wild creative dream needs to be told too and for whatever reason this doesn't seem like the appropriate place. 

Beginning tomorrow I will have a new blog (I have some final things to tweak tonight before my first post).  I've grown and changed so much since beginning this blog and it just feels like the new me with all my new endeavors needs a new home.  Like I said, this blog will still exist in some format but I feel like I'm being pulled in a new direction that needs a new blog.  I'm not sure exactly how I will manage two blogs when I can barely manage one.  I haven't quite worked out all the kinks.  I don't exactly have a clear vision.  I just know it's time to tell my tangled tale somewhere else. 

Some days are sweet.  Some days are tangled.  Maybe that's how I'll balance the two blogs.  But then most days those two get so mixed up it's hard to tell one from the other.  What then?  I'm not certain.  Some days I need words.  Some days I need images.  Maybe that's how I'll balance the two blogs.  But then most days those two can't be separated--the images and the words are my poetry.  What then?  I'm not certain.  As you can see I haven't worked it all out.  Regardless tomorrow I will introduce you to my new home--a place where I can share the struggle of dreaming and a place to focus on the poetry I am capturing in my images. 

See you tomorrow...

Comments

[Jennifer]

I enjoy all of your words, images, and poetry. Tangled or sweet they are truthful and speak to my heart. I am grateful that you share yourself so openly. Thank you very much. And whatever you choose to do with both your blogs I am sure will be as wonderful and as inspiring as you are. Don't ever give up.

[Michelle]

I've been a faithful reader of your blog for several months...be encouraged! One of the best tools I have found for Photoshop is the book "Adobe Photoshop: Classroom in a Book." I tried learning it on my own and it was almost impossible. But this book goes step-by-step.

[Molly]

This is a brave post. I think you can see here, by all these posts, that you are appreciated as an artistic person, and we all will follow you right along to see what is next in your world!

[amy]

michelle, your courage is inspiring. i've cut myself off at different times for similar reasons, and it's always good to return, still broken. thanks for sharing with us. i'm lookin' forward to the new blog!

xo

[Swirly]

How crazy...maybe there is something weird going on in the universe and that strange energy has decided to tangle itself in our lives for some reason.

It will all lead somewhere good - this is the faith I am holding onto - and in the meantime keeping at least some kind of grasp on our creative community is so important.

Thinking of you!!!

[gkgirl]

i look forward to seeing
you tomorrow, whatever changes may come.

i also want to say
how much i appreciate
that after two years,
i can still count
on comments from you
on my blog,
regardless how little i have been blogging...

:)
and don't quit.
you have it in you,
it is just working it's own way out...

[JanePoe (aka Deborah)]

What a brave an honest post. This is how many of us feel at times throughout our lives ~ but you, my dear soul, gave it voice. Life is tangled. Life is messy. And we're trying to find our way in the midst of it all.

Sending you love, strength and peace. xx, deb

[susan]

Nothing worthwhile happens overnight, sweetie ~ you gotta persevere. Photography ain't easy... at least the becoming a recognized star part isn't. You're doing this the right way.. don't get discouraged! Photoshop still kicks my ass from time to time, and I spend 8 hours a day inside of it. Be of good cheer. :)

[Bob]

Yes, I think I know what you mean. When your thoughts and your imagination have been on a certain path for a long time and no attention has been given to another side, possibly the darker side, after a while it screams for attention. I don't know, but that is something that has happened to me. I started out on the dark side, though. Then again, I'm a pretty dark person. However, now I walk the middle ground. That is a very cool place.

I wish you goodwill and peace in your pathwork.

[Marilyn]

How is it possible that I haven't been by here in a MONTH?! Well, it's because I let life get 'busy' and this resulted: "Being disconnected from all of you really has worn on my spirit." (I just posted something to that effect yesterday.) Okay, off to keep reading to see what new direction you're headed...

[Andrea]

Noticed you're reading Wicked. I just posted about that recently--would love to hear your thoughts so far. . .(I've just discovered your blog and I'll certainly be back. Ciao for now!

[Andrea]

Noticed you're reading Wicked. I just posted about that recently--would love to hear your thoughts so far. . .(I've just discovered your blog and I'll certainly be back. Ciao for now!