It's Been a Sweet Life

I've been avoiding this blog.  Why?  Because honestly my life hasn't felt very sweet lately.  In fact it's felt anything but sweet.  There's nothing necessarily wrong and yet life just hurts.  I'm not taking time to enjoy the fullness of life or stopping to savor the sweetness.  I'm not looking for life's beauty or poetry.  I've felt unenergized and uncreative.  I've felt tangled. 

I wish I could tell you that I'm out conquering the world of photography, that I'm mastering Photoshop, that my creative dreams are coming true at a rate that is making my heart bubble with giddy glee.  Unfortunately that's not true.  Instead I've been struggling.  Photoshop is kicking my ass and I can't seem to see the worth of my work.  My web-site is far from finished and I'm having a hard time not letting discouragement get the best of me.  This trying to create my creative dreams is so much harder than I ever imagined.  Oh I knew in my head it would be a struggle.  I knew fears would pop their little heads up...okay, big heads.  I knew I would have moments of paralysis.  But what I didn't know is how it would challenge everything I thought I believed about myself.  What I didn't know is how often I would want to give up, how I would sell myself short in an attempt to keep myself safe.  I didn't know how appealing remaining small would often appear.  I didn't know I'd turn against myself and beat myself up any and every chance I'd get.  I didn't know is how pursuing this new endeavor would have more days when I'd crawl into myself and hide from the world than it would days of joyous delight and pride in my accomplishments.

And to top it all off I've cut myself off from my support network--you, my dear blogging friends.  Being disconnected from all of you really has worn on my spirit.  I'm in a time of major life transition, not just with the photography stuff but with work and some other things in life, which has kept me from checking in on you all and prevented me from knowing what's going on with you.  All this disconnection really has left me feeling sad and friendless.  I miss being present in this community.  But I just haven't known how to share that.  I haven't known what to say.  I haven't known how to admit how weak and fragile and vulnerable I feel right now.  I haven't known how to say I want to give up, I want to quit, and I need you to tell me not to. 

Right now at this point in my journey I feel very, very tangled.  There are parts of this process that I need to be sharing and yet this doesn't seem like the right place.  I feel like I'm ready for a change.  I'm not getting rid of this blog.  It means too much to me to do that.  But I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it.  I used to be good at keeping track of the things I'm grateful for and maybe that's what this blog's purpose will become--my gratitude blog.  Maybe this will remain the place where I do celebrate the sweetness.  But my current tangled journey and the pursuit of this wild creative dream needs to be told too and for whatever reason this doesn't seem like the appropriate place. 

Beginning tomorrow I will have a new blog (I have some final things to tweak tonight before my first post).  I've grown and changed so much since beginning this blog and it just feels like the new me with all my new endeavors needs a new home.  Like I said, this blog will still exist in some format but I feel like I'm being pulled in a new direction that needs a new blog.  I'm not sure exactly how I will manage two blogs when I can barely manage one.  I haven't quite worked out all the kinks.  I don't exactly have a clear vision.  I just know it's time to tell my tangled tale somewhere else. 

Some days are sweet.  Some days are tangled.  Maybe that's how I'll balance the two blogs.  But then most days those two get so mixed up it's hard to tell one from the other.  What then?  I'm not certain.  Some days I need words.  Some days I need images.  Maybe that's how I'll balance the two blogs.  But then most days those two can't be separated--the images and the words are my poetry.  What then?  I'm not certain.  As you can see I haven't worked it all out.  Regardless tomorrow I will introduce you to my new home--a place where I can share the struggle of dreaming and a place to focus on the poetry I am capturing in my images. 

See you tomorrow...

Comments

[Jeris]

I treasure your blogs, whether sweet or tangled. I hope you are able to do whatever brings you peace. You are precious, Michelle.

[eb]

you know... just to read your words as tangled as they may seem to you - in some odd way - for me - they express and reveal so much of what I am unwilling to say - and as a result untangle some of my own unowned thoughts and feelings - this blog world is amazing and wonderful - but it is true that you usually must visit to be visited in return - and a building of relationship may or may not occur - everyone picks up where they feel heard, inspired, supported, and or etc.,

keep seeing life through rose colored glasses - it will hold you in good stead down the road... will you still love me... will you still need me... "when I'm 64..." - yeah its been - what 40 years...

xox - eb.

[moki]

ahhh those lovely webs we get tangled up in as we try to change our lives...looking forward to whatever direction you go :)

[deirdre]

Where ever you are, I'll be reading.

[ceanandjen]

Oh sweet you; you have been missed. That being said, I understand where you are. I have just recently BEGUN to emerge from that place. Being disconnected from those who provide you with the most support and insight is so difficult. Feeling like you have been feeling (and like I have been feeling for weeks) is just plain debilitating. You feel your spirit weaken substantially.

I am so glad that you had the courage to come here and tell us about it, because no matter how you might be feeling right now, I will tell you this...
YOU ARE STRONG.
YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION.
YOU ARE TALENTED.

I look forward to seeing how your new blog evolves, and I look forward to seeing more of your beautiful works and photographs.

Sending you much love.
xoxoxo

[shona]

Michelle, I love that word you use... tangled! I am going to email you directly...

[hel]

The photograph took my breath away - the soft pillow of red sloping downwards and the blacks spikes exitedly pushing upwards.

As always your words are magic. Hang in there. Sometimes we wake up from a period like this and we have changed and grown in a way that is only possible when the fire of keeping going has burned away everything but our need to be.

I look forward to sharing more of your journey.

[krista]

I am glad you aren't quitting, and that an even better solution has come up: TWO wonderfully honest and great blogs written by you.

[kristen]

I hear you and hope you know that you've been missed much and that you are loved. Even if you feel tangled and wordless, we're here. xoxo

[Victoria]

I can't recall how I came across your blog, but most likely it was just surfing about looking for inspiration regarding art. I check in regularly to see what you have to say and this is why; I see such a sweet, kind and innocent soul that has to survive in a harsh world, but is trying to hold on to what is beautiful and true.
My life holds on to a miracle I received from God when my son was killed and I feel compelled to tell you that no matter what, everything you hoped God would be, He is.
So take heart, keep working the work you love and know that it is a living and growing thing that is SO needed in this crazy world we are trying to live in.
Peace be with you and don't worry, everything really is going to be okay.
I'm living proof.
Victoria
mercersdaughter.blogspot.com

[Sam]

I'm glad you didn't disappear on us. Because if I had to get in the car and drive to Texas, I would. Or at least send out a search party - with banners waving, and wouldn't that be hilarious and embarrassing? I'm picturing a guy with a beard and a funny hat, declaring, "We come in the name of Sam, who is too pregnant to move off the couch, but wants to know how in the hell you are!"

Sometimes we need a new space, a fresh place - rather like a fresh, clean piece of paper. To start over. To start again. And no matter what walls you beat your head and your heart against, you are deeply talented. You are gifted. You will find your way. And we are all here for you - wherever you are -in the deepest places of our collective hearts.

[kelly]

so happy to see that you posted today. i was going to send you an email this am to check in and see how things were going. hang in there, i finally started etsy, since my website is slow moving. i know how it is and when you have kids - even harder of a task. i am thinking of you!

[Beth]

You've been missed and I'm so glad to see you returning !!

[georgia]

Well, I think that its is working through the tangles that makes the journey sweet... :)

I look forward to reading your new blog.

xoxo

[Star]

I've started over in blogland (and so have you) and the change can bring refreshment. I just set up two new blogs over the weekend in order to have separate spaces to explore; I haven't started posting yet, but just seeing the new names and banner graphics make me happy all the same. Wishing you well as you take a step forward.

I'll be there...

[Colorsonmymind]

Hi Love- well as usual you seem to express so much I feel-our inner journey's so very similar.

I know that blogging helped me grow-it helped me work things out that I couldn't seem to sort in any other way. hmmm I feel a blog post coming to me...

anyway-I am glad you shared this here.

I am glad you are starting a new blog as I think it may help you to transition to whatever it is you are struggling to transition to.

I love seeing you grow and evolve.

Love you so much sweetness.

XOXOXO

[daisies]

i have missed your words but understand completely how you are feeling ... sometimes a change is just the thing ~ tangled, such a beautiful word really ... and that photo ~ magic ... looking forward to your new space :)

[jenica]

you are so beautiful. i look forward to seeing how you proceed from here. but all of your words and images awaken my soul. i don't think that we need you to be strong or perfect or even grateful all the time. your posts help me to feel alive and to feel human and somewhat normal.

i am here for you.

we are here for you.

be who you are, who you aspire to be, who you are afraid to let yourself be.

(((bighugz)))

[AdriftAtSea]

M-

If you need help/advice/support with the website, let me know. :D

DK

[Toryssa]

The good stuff, the really good stuff, is never easy. It's not meant to be. The things that are the biggest struggles end up being the biggest accomplishments. And the journey, no matter how it goes... it's good.

Wild roses are tangled and thorny, they are unkept and unruly - but they are beautiful. Don't assume that the tangled is bad - just different!

[angela]

you have been very inspiring to me on your journey. hang in there. we're cheering for you :)

[eileen]

as usual your wisdom at 34 years amazes me. bless you, as you continue to understand the "tangledness" of your life. there is connection in doing this with witnesses, and compassion flows back and forth.as the great teacher pema chodron encourages- lean into the places that scare you and cause you angst. here's to starting over-again and again and again.......

[ruby]

your blog was one of the first to inspire me to start my own. you've always been willing to be so honest on here; it's one of the many things that keeps me reading. you are adored in bloggie land as i'm sure you are in your "real" life, too. i look forward to continuing to witness your creative process -- tangled parts and all...

[wish studio]

so excited to see where the next layer of your journey takes you. you really have such a special and unique view of things, and you truly light up my world with your beautiful words and photos. wishing you all that you hope for and more from your newest endeavor michelle! xo, mindy

[w.a.probable]

remind yourself that you are very brave