TangledWings

Tears

for all the times I needed to cry but didn't

for all the things I carry that weigh me down

for everything that keeps me from experiencing fullness

for all the times I needed to let go but didn't know how

for all the times I needed to fall apart but stubbornly held myself together

for all the times I couldn't say goodbye

for all the times I denied my grief

for all the times I didn't know how to give myself permission to feel

for all the times I wanted to reach out but felt self conscious

for all the times I misunderstood what it means to be brave

for all the mistakes and all the regrets

for all the things I wish I could take back

for all the times I didn't speak up, stand up, or show up

for all the missed opportunities

for all the times I said no instead of yes

for all the times I was too proud or too scared to surrender

for not knowing how to trust life, God, or myself

for all the times I couldn't see the truth

for all the countless experiences I felt powerless and inadequate

for all the times I gave up my power and silenced my own voice

for all the times I tried too damn hard

for all the times I pretended to be someone I'm not

for all the times I pulled inside, shut down, and refused to let people see who I am

for all the moments I felt moved and inspired by the small and unexpected things of life

for all the times I allowed my heart to break in pieces

for all the times I was aware of being right in the middle of God's palm

for all the moments I recognized I can never be separated from God

for those rare and precious moments I was acutely aware of love

for those rare moments when I fully understood acceptance

for those times I've been able to step outside myself

for those times I knew without a doubt that I am connected to all of life

for all the times I've lived from the best parts of myself

for all the times people have seen the truth of who I am

for those moments I extend compassion and tenderness to myself

for the times I nurture the world around me

for quiet stillness

for peace

for light

for life

for grace

A Love Affair with Autumn Leaves

  

 

 

 

 

...I love them for the way they know better than anything else in nature what it means to surrender...

...I love them for how simply they let go...

...I love them because they've mastered the art of falling gracefully...

...I love them for quietly changing from one hue to another without ever looking back and longing for what once was...

...I love them for lying down softly and never being afraid to show their less colorful side...

...I love them for learning how to yield to the wind...

...I love them for never staying put...

...I love them for so tenderly adoring the sun, the rain, the night...

...I love them for having room to love them all...

...I love them for reminding us we will all die...

...I love them for crumbling under the weight of life because sometimes breaking apart is the strongest thing one can do...

...I love them because when I press them to my check they feel like weathered skin...

...I love them because if you look closely enough you could almost believe their veins are filled with blood, just like yours and mine...

...I love them for being and behaving so humanly...

Navigating: Grief, Divorce, and Other Stuff

While I was in Seattle I received some sad news.  My aunt, my father's sister, died.  Although she'd been ill for many years her actual death happened very suddenly.  According to my dad she told her husband earlier in the week that she "didn't feel right."  She was her usual scrappy, happy self until Saturday when she was unresponsive.  My sister called to give me the news and less than an hour later my sister called again to tell me she had died.  I returned from Seattle just in time for family visitation and the funeral the following day.

As many children of divorced parents will tell you, no matter how long your parents have been divorced there is still shit that comes up and has to be navigated through.  For me this was one of those times.  My parents have been divorced for about 30 years.  There is still the delicate "tight rope" walk and situations that feel icky and gross.  My sisters and I grew up with my mother and her family and although we see my dad and his family we are somewhat distant from them.  We aren't a part of most of the memories that give family members a sense of belonging.  We are on the outside.  One of the reasons the three of us stayed as close to my dad's family as we are was because of this aunt.  She kept us connected all those years when my dad lived hundreds of miles away in Colorado.  Because of that I have really good memories of my aunt, memories of cinnamon graham crackers under the trees in her backyard and really good games of hide-and-go-seek.  But distance and divorce can do crazy things to family dynamics.  The anticipation of what could happen because of those dynamics have to be waded through during emotionally intense family gatherings such as a death.

I have to admit that when my sister told me my aunt had died I was a little concerned about my reaction.  I didn't know what I felt.  I wasn't even certain I felt anything.  She warned me my dad would be calling shortly and when he did call I didn't answer.  I couldn't at that time handle the emotion that might be waiting for me on the other end.  Instead I opted to wait to return his call when I was on my way home. Because my own feelings felt so unclear I didn't think I could hear my dad's feelings without either taking them on myself or totally pushing them away. 

Luckily I was with two very good blogging friends when I received the news.  They reminded me that grief doesn't have to look a certain way, that grief has as many faces as the situations that accompany the grief.  My grief in this instance was more quiet and subdued.  I wanted to find a restaurant and just sit for awhile.  I didn't need to talk.  I didn't need to cry.  I just wanted to be still.  And I have remained in that still place over the past few days.  When I saw my aunt in her casket the tears did come but for the most part I have remained very drawn into myself. 

Liz and Kim also reminded me that I have a right to my grief.  My sisters and I have talked about how because of our distant relationship with my dad we often don't feel like we have the "right" to grieve for loved ones on his side of the family.  When my dad's father died years ago I struggled to give myself permission to feel as sad as my cousins who did have a close relationship with him.  My grief had a different aspect than their's--because of the distant relationship I would never know this man who truly meant a lot to me.  Part of my grief was the fact that I would never have the chance to know him the way they did.  And even if I had extra time chances are that wouldn't change the outcome.  The odd dynamics of divorce would keep the distance in place despite how much time was available.

It's this aspect of grief that I don't know can be understood unless you have experienced it.  I found it odd that at my aunt's funeral my cousins (her children) said for than once, "I'm so glad you girls could be here."  I thought, where else would we be?  Just because our relationship was distant and sometimes strained did not mean that my aunt didn't mean a great deal to us.  Everyone on my dad's side of the family means more than most people realize.  They are a part of our everyday lives even though we don't see them often.  They are still a part of who we are.  And there is always the ache for the relationship I would have liked to see exist that never will because of the way life turned out.  I'm not saying that we don't have the choice to create the relationships we'd like to have.  We do.  But I also believe we operate within other people's choices as well and the choice of my parent's divorce has impacted the choices I have.

There is also another element that may not be understood unless you've experienced it and that is the role of the other parent.  My mom stayed in close contact for many years with this particular aunt.  While I can't say they were friends their continued relationship is part of what kept me and my sisters connected to that side of the family.  So of course my mom wanted to attend the funeral.  I don't know how that felt for my dad--if it was awkward, if it was welcomed, if it had no feeling at all.  What I do know is how it felt for me.  And it was a relief.  I was glad to have her there with me both at the funeral and at the family visitation the night before.  It was like having a familiar, stable presence in an uncertain situation, in a situation that was both emotional and uncomfortable.  My mom's parents also attended the funeral and they too added that safe and familiar element to a situation I had to navigate that felt very awkward and uncertain.

Over the past few days I've been working through all of this within myself.  I've not only been sitting with the grief of loosing an aunt but also navigating through the dynamics of divorce and the way divorce touches so many areas of life, even years down the road.  In my experience there are times when divorce makes some situations more difficult and delicate, more uncertain and ambiguous.  And just like I did when my parents' divorce was fresh and new, I find myself trying to figure out my way through it.  As a child I had naivete on my side and was better able to just be.  Now as an adult I find I am much more aware of the complexities that can accompany divorce and the "tight rope" walk of navigating through the unexpected parts that creep up along the way.        

More Shots From Seattle

 

 

 

 

 

 

Word to come soon...once I've had time to recuperate.

Seattle Up Close

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gone to Seattle

 

I need a break...see you next week

Sweet Stuff

A few sweet things for you on a Wednesday night

• Maddie's Persisting Stars blog
• gypsy life's new blog
• this Sweet song
• this awesome t-shirt
• Scream Free Parenting...just what I need
• Pink Streetvintage jewelry
• this local photographer's brilliant colors
• Global Mamas
• these awesome pendants...I want one...or two...or three
• planet photoshop
• these great bags
• gorgeous stained glass garlands
• adorable fabric sugar skulls
• yummy shots
• cool charms
• Beatle's braclet
• being a part of a history making day, watching Obama's acceptance speech, and realizing how amazing this is as far as changing the course of history goes

Finally, Election Day is Here!

Am I the only one who feels like this election season has gone on forever?  Maybe it's because it took so long to finally have a Democratic nominee.  Maybe it's because I've been following the campaign developments since the beginning.  Maybe it's because I've watched every debate.  Maybe it's because I check FactCheck.org on a daily basis.  Maybe it's because this is the most involved I've ever been in any election.  Or maybe it's because T and I are voting for different candidates and so there have been some very heated moments in our home over the past few months.  Whatever it is it just feels like it's been forever since the candidates first launched their campaigns.  I for one am ready for it to be over.  I'm ready for the political ads to disappear...at least until the next election.  I'm ready for the news to focus on some other topic.  And I'm certainly ready to know who will be the next President of the United States.

As a blogger I have learned there are at least two topics I don't feel comfortable talking about on my blog--Jesus and politics.  Those are two very delicate, loaded topics and I'm just not courageous enough to take the backlash that comes along with those topics.  Some people will blog about their support for a certain candidate and can handle the comments that come along with such posts.  I'm not one of those bloggers.  I don't like being told I'm stupid for my political opinions.  I fully admit to not feeling like I know a lot about politics.  That's never been an area I feel confident about.  I don't know a lot about the economy and what is best economically speaking.  I don't know anything about foreign policy.  I volley back and forth on how I feel about things in Iraq.  I don't understand a lot about taxes or health care or the immigration issue.  What I know is how I wish things would work in this country.  What I know is which candidate gives me hope that the future can be better.  And what I know is which candidate inspires me to be a better person and to make the world a better place.

I've shared my voting story before and if I could locate the post I would link to it.  In short, not long after I turned 18 I had my first opportunity to vote in a major election.  I naively shared with a family member the candidate I voted for.  That is when I learned how opinionated and hurtful people can be about politics.  I was shamed by this person for not voting for the candidate he thought I should vote for.  I felt so little and so stupid and so embarrassed that I did not vote again until I was in my 30s.  For over a decade I gave my power away.  I chose to believe that I wasn't fit for politics and that because my choice was different from someone else's I didn't know enough to deserve to vote.  What I know now, that I didn't know when I was 18, is that I will never know enough but I still deserve to vote.  And really, the truth is, no one can every really know everything there is to know because there is one big factor that plays into how successful a candidate is and that is the unknown.  If a candidate is elected we cannot know what types of issues that candidate will face once they are in office.  That element of the unknown is why all we can do as voters is make the best choice possible with what we do know.  

One final thing I want to say about elections is I have great respect for all the candidates running in this year's election.  It takes a lot of guts, a lot of energy, a lot of courage, and very thick skin to run for an office.  I can't imagine enduring that level of personal attacks and all the media attention the candidates have to face.  I can't imagine being picked apart and having to sale yourself to Americans.  That's tough stuff.  I also believe that every candidate running honestly believes (s)he can make American a better place.  No candidate runs with the intention of ruining our country.  I believe each candidate believes they can make things better and that they want to make things better.  What happens afterward is another story but I honestly believe each candidate wants the best for this country (yes, even George W. Bush).  That's why they are running.  They believe what they have to offer will benefit America.  And so we, or at least I, vote on which candidate's ideals best fit what I want this country to become.  

I hope you voted today.  I hope you don't believe that your voice, your vote, doesn't matter (believe me I get that--I'm from Texas.  In Texas unless you vote republican your vote kinda gets covered up and lost.)  I hope you feel good about yourself as a voter, knowing you may not know enough about the issues but you still have a right to vote.  And most of all I hope you are as excited about the possibilities as I am.    

This may be the only sports realted post you'll ever see on this blog.

As a graduate of Texas Tech University and a current employee of Texas Tech University Health Sciences Center it would be a shame if I didn't take a moment to say, "How 'bout those Red Raiders!?!?!?"

Autumn is a time for changing colors, cooler temperatures, and college football of course.  This past weekend the Hub City was rockin' as we hosted the number 1 team in the nation, the University of Texas.  All week there was a new kind of energy and excitement in the air.  Students camped in tents at the stadium for days to ensure they got a seat in the free student section.  Everywhere you looked there were fans wearing Tech t-shirts.  Saturday I was at the Mall and although it was fairly dead for a Saturday (most of the town was enjoying a little pre-game tailgating) the one store selling Tech merchandise was packed.  For a moment I thought they were having a big sale.  I stopped in to check it out, hoping to get a new t-shirt for the B-Dog since his school has Texas Tech day every Friday, but nope, it was just a bunch of fanatic fans purchasing last minute t-shirts.  

I am perhaps the furtherest thing from a sports fan.  Maybe one day if the B-Dog plays a sport I'll change my opinion.  But, if he is anything like his mom and dad he is more likely to join the drama club than the football team.  However, I do have to admit that Saturday night I was perched at the edge of my couch (the best place to enjoy a football game) yelling at the t.v.  The first half of the game Tech came out and really let Texas have it.  It was great.  And I cheered right along with more than 90% of the rest of Lubbock.  Texas came out the second half and delivered quite a comeback.  It was during the second half that I chewed all my fingernails off and got reprimanded by T for using a "grown up" word in front of the B-Dog.  Just when I thought we'd lost it we made one final touchdown in the last minute and a half.  Needless to say there was a lot of celebrating Saturday night in little ol' Lubbock, TX.

There were rumors circulating that a handful of celebrities were in town for the big game including Mr. Matthew McConaughy.  I heard he was out enjoying the tailgate and that later he was being pretty annoying with his pro-Texas antics.  The rumor that he was in town was confirmed today when a friend sent a link to his sister's blog.  She wrote a little post about her husband spending time Saturday with Mr. Yummy himself.  If Mr. Yummy could have had a little taste of the pork tenderloin T smoked for the game I am quite sure he would have been all about hanging out with us.

I can't remember this kinda of excitement since Ms. Sheryl Swoops and the Texas Tech Lady Raiders came home with the National Championship in 1993.  And then a few years later in 1996 when the Tech men's basketball team made it to the Sweet Sixteen and Darvin Ham came out in the the first moments of the game with a heck of a slam dunk which shattered the backboard.  I distinctly remember this moment because I was actually on my honeymoon and my ex-husband, being quite the basketball junkie, made us watch the game in our hotel room.  I didn't think things could get much better until Sunday night when the new national rankings came out and Texas Tech had made a nice leap forward, now being ranked 2nd in the nation.  Woo-hoo!  Students are already camped out for this weekend's game against OU.  We'll see if our boys can keep up the winning streak.   

BOO!

Happy Halloween...

...and may you have all the Twix your heart desires.