This Week

I’ve wanted to write about where I’ve been this week but instead I’ve been crawling into bed every night much, much too early for my own good.  I’ve tried to wrap my mind around what I want to express and yet I keep falling short of whatever it is I really want to say. 

I’ve observed myself enough over the past few years to know that about once a month I hit this place where nothing feels right.  It tends to happen around the time my body feels most alive.  Everything inside me is crying out to be expressed and because I can’t quite figure out how to do that everything outside of me feels wrong, too tight, life-less even.  I don’t know that we as women, or as human beings, talk about this enough—the ‘nothing is wrong but I feel so empty’ phenomenon.  Maybe if we did we could help each other deal with it better…or at least help each other feel a bit more ‘normal.’  I look at my life, I see a family that loves me, a child who adores me, friends who support me, a job that appreciates me (most of the time), and creativity that is constantly growing and still I have these moments when it’s as if a great ghost is sitting heavily on my chest howling, “It’s not enough…it’s not enough…it’s not enough.”  I have everything anyone could ever want and yet there is still this emptiness that sucks me into its darkness.  That darkness calls for more darkness and so I tend to find I slip away from myself, my relationships, this blog, and into wherever I can hide until it passes.  I crawl into bed, lay in the dark, and listen to life happening all around me, without me, and that emptiness aches.  The laundry piles up, the dishes are left undone, the ‘I absolutely have to do this now’ list is ignored because all I really want to do is pull a blanket over my head and try to reach the other side by crawling as deeply into myself as possible. 

For me at least I think the emptiness has something to do with wanting to voice something I can’t quite name, wanting to live something I can’t quite get to, wanting to get something out of me that I can’t seem to give form.  It also has to do with knowing that I’m not living out of my fullness, that there is so much left unlived and undone.  It has to do with knowing people see me but wondering if they really see me.  Do they look in my eyes and see all the things I wish they could see even the secrets I’m sometimes afraid to let people see?  It has to do with a fear of time slipping away, not because I fear wrinkles or an aging body, but because every day I feel like I’m loosing something I can never get back.  And it definitely has to do with not being able to adjust to the way life shifts and changes before I’ve had a chance to catch my breath. 

I ache because I can’t remember the last time someone told me I’m beautiful and although I know affirmation needs to come from within I can’t help but miss those words.  I ache because the affection I once enjoyed has been lost to adult responsibilities.  I ache because I don’t have a clue who I am and when I catch little glimpses of myself it’s never enough.  I ache because that emptiness wants to be filled but it seems so insatiable.  I ache because I’m so tired of fighting myself but I can’t seem to call a truce.

Lately I find myself here, in this place of emptiness, more often than I care to admit and this week has been especially difficult.  I have so much that needs to get done but I have completely shut down.  I have felt myself slowly disappearing.  I have crawled into bed every night before the sun has set and then tossed and turned in the dark, unable to rest, because something is clawing at my gut.  I have skipped my morning walks because the aching that has kept me awake at night has also left me exhausted each morning.  I have raged against everything and everyone because the dissatisfaction I feel has left me feeling completely miserable.  And I have turned against myself, especially my body…it’s always my body that seems to get the brunt of it all. 

Nothing is wrong and yet I feel empty.  I have everything and yet there is something deep within that still whispers, “It’s not enough…it’s not enough…it will never be enough…”  And sometimes I wonder if what I really feel is not necessarily that “it’s” not enough but that ‘I’m’ not enough.  I wonder if that emptiness is really all the things I’ve always told myself I lack and those messages have finally caught up with me leaving me wounded, broken, and unable to recognize the abundance that exists all around me.   

 

Comments

[ruby]

oh, michelle, my heart aches to read this, but please know that i have been in a similar place...thank you for giving words to it. thinking of you...

[Steph]

I am in tears, Michelle. I can't believe how you've penned the exact phenomenon I share with you, repeatedly, as often as each month (although in my case, I think it can also be spurred my my own irrational mind). My husband tells me I used to be more frequent with these spells, but I think they manage to go under the radar, sometimes beneath the pounding of little feet on the wood floors, the tossing of legos, the fighting over chairs at the dinner table.

So many--no, all of what you said--resonates so deeply with me. One sentence in particular:

"I ache because the affection I once enjoyed has been lost to adult responsibilities"

That sentence makes me so heavy with guilt and sadness. It is the face of my eldest son, standing beside me at the kitchen sink, asking me to come draw with him. It is his imploring look that is met with my bitter, frustrated impatience. "Who will do the dishes? Who will clean the table? Who will make dinner?" It is the voice of someone I don't even know, yet it's the voice within me that's shouting the loudest?
Not the "I'd love to, sweetie, after dinner" voice? Where's the love?

I dont even know you, but we know each other so well. I'm so sorry that you suffer like this.
I applaud the way you contribute these feelings to others, like me, who may feel so alone in this struggle.

((hugs))
*s

[amy]

michelle, my heart aches for you. i'm so sorry that you are feeling this way, that your heart hurts. know this: you are beautiful, you are working hard, you are incredible, you inspire so many of us because you have the guts to share this. you are heard, and believe me, i am cheering you on all the way. sending you peace, love and affirmation...

[Delia]

I have been there--yes, I know what you mean. When it comes on for me, I've been telling myself, "It's just a bad day...not a bad life," and somehow that eases a bit of the sting. I'm pulling for you!
Love,
D.

[Skyzi]

I could have written that myself....frightening. Trying to figure out who you really are is exhausting. Wish I had the answers.

[kelly]

michelle....you have made such a difference in my life. i am so sad to read your words, but they ring so true for me to. you are a joy in my daily life and you are beautiful. and i know exactly what you are saying.....here is a BIGFATHUG!

[kristen]

i mirror your words here and i love you for putting your voice behind them. thank you. xoxo

[Star]

I know that feeling of time passing me by, wishing I felt more purpose in my life. It's like trying to separate an egg by allowing the whites to slip through your fingers only to have the yolk break and be gone as well. You can grab for it, but there is no getting it back and the more you reach for it, the more empty your fingers feel.

Those times leave me feeling like I'm ungrateful, like I don't fully value all that I am so lucky to have.

No answers here, just another soul linking arms with you in an effort to support one another.

And, can I tell you? You're beautiful.

[Angie]

Oh my...you put into words exactly how I have been feeling lately. Thank you for sharing, it's a comfort.

[angela]

wow, guess i'm not alone in feeling these very same things. more often i am finding this, and it is a bit of comfort.
you are the voice of many.

[Alissa]

Wow. Reading your post and the comments that followed make me feel so much less alone. I thought it was just me. I thought if I said it aloud people wouldn't understand - which I'm still not sure they would. I connect with all that you said. How to reach out to the people who get it? How to explain it to those who don't? How do we handle it? There must be a way. I just don't know what it is. I wasn't always this way. Just in the last 4 years or so. Please keep talking. You clearly have an audience with whom your word resonate.

[Kirsten Michelle]

i feel the weight of my heart as i read this...i know these feelings you speak of all to well...this cyclical ache that i've come to live with...these calls from the darkness that sometimes consume me.
i think it takes someone so special to write so openly, so honestly...i'm not sure i feel better or worse knowing i'm not alone...seeing all of these comments by other women actually makes me feel incredibly sad,
...but i am hopeful that i, that we aren't forever destined to repeat this cycle...that one by one we will break it, each in our own time and in our own way through the sharing of stories and the nurturing of friends.
you are so beautiful, michelle.
thank you for sharing so much of yourself here today, i am sure that it wasn't easy.
xo
k

[megg]

sweetheart - I don't know what to say except that I hear you and I get you and I understand - I UNDERSTAND from the depths of my heart.

I love you and I think that you are so wonderful and so so beautiful - OH how I wish I could come and see you right now.

LOVE love LOVE!!
xo

[Alex]

Dear Michelle ~ all i can say is that i am there with you in every word. and i think it's because we feel so deeply and because we're so aware, that we go through that. But your words and honesty filled me up a bit, made me feel less alone... I am very thankful to you for that! You're such a gem! I hope to meet you sometime. Feel better... Love and Hugs~

[hel]

Were it possible for us to see further than our knowledge reaches, and yet a little way beyond the outworks of our divining, perhaps we would endure our sadness with greater confidence than our joys. For they are the moments when something new has entered into us, something unknown. Rainer, Maria Rilke.

A soul as beautiful as yours will find the key it is searching for. I just know it.

[Victoria]

If you would like to check out the teachings of Byron Katie, she has a website, thework.com
It really, REALLY helped me to do something that never occured to me; ask myself "is it true?"
It's opened up an entire new world for me, which is, the one I live in: reality/truth!

[JanePoe (aka Deborah)]

These are the moments when the life we have and the life we want feel like an endless canyon with no bridge in sight ... these are the moments when we realise that we've made a deal with ourselves ... that where we're at is where we need to be, at least for now. It's the unintended consequences of choice ... and somedays it all comes crashing in. But remember, there are other days when we focus on the choice, on why we are in the place or moment we're in, and we embrace that for what it is. For what it is right now.
Sending you much peace & love, JP

[Melba]

I read this post a few days ago, but I didn't comment because sometimes I find it difficult to articulate what I want to say. I wish I could just beam my thought~feelings into another!

I am on this journey right now of consciously connecting to my inner-being (higer self/soul/internal guidence system...many labels; none that I am comfortable with yet). It sounds so dramatic but it really is life altering for me.

You find it too...something that feels like the road to home. You do.

[MB]

(o)

[Bek Geach]

Once again I feel so blessed to be able to read your wisdom.

We as women do know this ‘nothing is wrong but I feel so empty’ phenomenon well.

It is a hard one to tackle... for me it usually occurs just before a major change or rebirthing.

(hugs) and love to you.
I hope your holiday is wonder *filled*
Bx

[teresa]

Oh I feel for you right now and the next time you feel this way and the next. Perhaps it's a creative being kinda feeling? I know that I have realized that it's OKAY not to be everything...it's OKAY not to be enough. It is. I hope that feeling passes soon b/c it's so critical and you deserve better than that! Everyone does! I also know that when I feel the things you are feeling I sit back and ride the ride and just know in my deepest heart that it's the bottom and there's no where to go but up! I strt to anticipate that and know that something wonderful is about to bust out. Always does! I hope you are back to feeling like your normal self soon. *hug* to you!

[colorsonmymind]

This post made me cry, tears of sadness that you would ever think you are not enough-you see the list of all the good-no great things you have in your life-are because you are more than enough.

My heart breaks to know you feel so dark-I imagine you tossing in your sleep and all I want to do is sing to you will rocking and stroking your head-not as a momma would but as a dear friend who loves you.

I feel you honey-I can't read your mind and can't list off all your thoughts but I can feel you-when I have looked in those beautiful eyes of yours I felt you and you are a beautiful important creative soul-who writes fucking amazingly I might add.LOL. You can put into writing such strong emotion-it is a huge talent.

I think you should have an editor go through your blog and turn your posts into a book for women on the path to being themselves-their fullest selves.

Hope to hear the phone ringing with a southern drawl on the other end when I say hello.

XOXOXOXO
snuggles and smooches.

[eileen]

sending light and love, the power of sharing and being seen in our truth is amazing. knowing the impermanence of each of our sensations is a blessing...hoping your on to joy in the mountains at this time.

[Kim Cagle]

I am frozen.
How did you know?
I know, i know we all have these moments but you captured it so perfectly i am frozen.
Tunnel through...there is light.

[christina]

I'm feeling that too lately... Hope you have a wonderful time in CO.