la vie en rose...a sweet life

SPC {B&W-4}

I wanted to write Monday about my thoughts on the Oscars.  I had the day off and I intended to take time to recap all the Oscar festivities.  I wanted to write about how I was drooling over Jessica Biel and about how Diane Keaton totally ROCKS and about how touched I was by Forest Whitaker's acceptance speech and how pleased I was for Martin Scorsese and how I was so scared for Jennifer Hudson during her performance with the other DreamGirls, afraid she was going to have a Janet Jackson moment, her boob falling out of her dress on national television.  I wanted to write about all that but instead I was just quiet.  I had a very quiet day.  No music.  No tv.  No other people around.  Just me...and my quietness.  And I needed it.

I have this debt hanging over my head that is really draining me of all energy.  I've been attempting to practice the law of attraction, focusing on abundance and prosperity instead of the debt itself.  But debt has a way of making you doubt your value and worth.  I needed Monday to sit with my fears and my heaviness and then to release it, trusting that I deserve to live in financial prosperity.  I needed a chance to get real about the beliefs I hold about money that aren't serving me or my greatest good.

I also spent Monday sitting with some feelings, some grief and vulnerability, that are rising to the surface as I've been reading The Red Book.  The author's spiritual journey has some aspects that are similar to mine and as I've read her story I've come face to face with some of the ways I allow myself to feel limited.  I've always been drawn to God.  Even as a child God held great importance in my life.  God is a big deal in my life.  I went through some transformations in my mid-twenties and as a result I began to realize that God was a whole lot bigger than I ever imagined, a whole lot bigger than my childhood beliefs and tradition.  And so my spiritual journey took a dramatic 180 degree turn.  It's been good, very good.  Yet I also have moments when I bump into my heritage and can't seem to make my way through it/around it/over it.  I have moments when I feel my hand is being slapped away from the thing I'm reaching out for.  I have moments when I feel I'm on the edge but someone, something, is holding on to my shirt tail, not allowing me to take that next step forward.  I have moments when I'm scared of what I may have to leave behind in order to live the life I long for and the sense of loss is overpowering.  I have moments when I feel ashamed of what I've turned away from.  I have moments when I wonder if my choices have disappointed the people I love most.  I have moments when being raised to know exactly what I believe (and where to find the Bible verse to back that belief up) won't really allow me to sit in the not-knowing, in the questions and confusion.  I have moments when I tumble back into 'the way it's always been' and I don't have the energy to move, much less fight.  I have moments when everything hangs on me so heavily and I realize that no matter how important my spirituality is to me I have no fucking clue what God is and I wonder who the hell I'm kidding.  The Red Book has been so hopeful and so affirming and yet sometimes even in the midst of all that hope and all that affirmation I feel grief because I don't understand all the tangled possibilities and I'm not sure how to embrace the questions that have no answers.  I don't know how to let the journey be God and how to let that be enough, more than enough. 

I was quiet on Monday in order to sit with all of this.  In order to sit with the heaviness and humiliation of the debt.  In order to sit with the pain of feeling slapped down.  In order to sit with the grief of all that has to be let go of in order to move forward and start over.  I was quiet in order to feel it instead of resisting. 

Today I still feel raw and vulnerable.  The debt is still eating at me and the aching of my spiritual journey is still very real. But I'm in a good place.  A really good place.  And in that good place I have moments when I know that it's all right here.  Everything I need is right here...and I'm opening my hand to receive it.

A Taste of West Texas

So have you ever wondered what it's like where I'm from?  Let me give you a little glimpse.  It's flat...it's dry...it's windy...it's a large farming community (mainly cotton.)  What do you get when you combine all those things?  Some pretty horrific sand storms.  How I wish I could tell you I took the above photo in sepia.  Unfortunately I didn't.  Nope this is au naturale...no photo editing of any kind.  This is what it looked like Saturday morning  from my bedroom window.  Our window ledges are covered and we had to sweep up a nice pile of sand from the kitchen floor.  Can you smell the dirt?  Can you taste it?  Do you feel the grit in your eyes and in your teeth?  Welcome to West Texas...

Happy Oscars to You and Yours

So did you wake up this morning humming the song It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year?  I did...seriously, I did... 

I thought I'd take a little break from the pre-Oscar cleaning frenzy to wish you a Very Happy Oscars and to give you a glimpse into my evening including sharing with you not necessarily what I predict will happen but who I'm cheering for whether they have a chance in hell or not..

Cherri should be arriving at my house in an hour or so.  She's leaving both of her children at home with their dad and the B-Dog is going to spend the night with his Gammy.  This will be our first child-free Oscars in 6 years.  *sigh*  Before the awards start we'll both fill out our Oscar ballot while chatting and eating appetizers.  The appetizer menu includes a variety of roasted nuts, a variety of stuffed olives, Havarti cheese with dill, a smoked Gouda, a nice hummus, fresh fruit and rosemary/garlic crackers.  Then we will fill out our movie journal (this is a journal we've been keeping together and every Oscars we add to it keeping a record of both our favorite movies choices of the year...and any movie star sightings we may have had over the year...sadly movie star sightings is sitting at a big whopping nada...  While we are doing this we will probably have on some kind of pre-show although since I don't have cable the pickings may be slim.  T has agreed to be our chef for the night so once the Oscars begin we should each having a heaping bowl full of his delectable pasta and a couple of his mouthwatering bread sticks.  For desert we will enjoy a slice of the yummiest key lime pie ever.  I'm wearing jeans right now but before the night is over I may have to change into some knit pants with a nice elastic waistband.

While the Oscars are on we'll be keeping notes (yes we do keep notes) of the best and worst dress as well as our favorite and least favorite moments.  And of course we'll both be cheering on our favorites.  Here's who I'll be rooting for...

• Best Actor--Although I think it's a shoe-in for Forest Whitaker (and I'm happy for him) I can't help but secretly wish Leo would win.  After all I grew up on Growing Pains and I am one of those girls who saw Titanic in the theater too many times for her own good.  But I'll also say that after seeing Half Nelson I'm kinda crushin' on Ryan Gosling.
• Best Actress--I think Helen Mirren is a given and she did give a damn good performance. 
• Best Supporting Actor--You know this is a hard category.  There are some great actors nominated.  I'll be scanning the audience looking for Mark Wahlberg but I have to admit I'm hoping Eddie Murphy walks away with the gold.
• Best Supporting Actress--I'm going with Jennifer Hudson all the way.  I just love her.  When I saw Dreamgirls there was this moment in the movie, a moment right after she sang a very powerful song, giving it her heart and soul, when the audience starting clapping.  Rarely have I ever been to a movie when the audience has clapped.  It gave me chills.  Ever since that moment I've wanted her to walk away with an Oscar.  In your face American Idol. 
• Best Director--There is no doubt who I'll be crossing my fingers for when this award is presented: Martin Scorsese.  The man has made some of the most amazing movies ever and he still doesn't have an Oscar.  I'm praying that this will be his year.  For all of you out there working through Finding Water keep your fingers crossed too.  Scorsese is Julia Cameron's ex-husband.
• Best Picture--My favorite movie of the year was Little Miss Sunshine.  I would love to see this movie take home the gold.  And who knows, maybe it will.  It did win the SAG...

Hope you're watching so we can talk about it tomorrow...

Super Good Things About This Week

• buying tulips for my office...I swear it's impossible to stare at tulips all day and be in a pissy mood...tulips just cast their magic spell and you can't help but be happy
• T noticing I was in a vulnerable place Monday night and coming to bed early just to hold me...this was probably my favorite part of the entire week
• moving into a better place with The Secret...after I had a day to do some freaking out and some grieving I moved into a much better place...not quite so overwhelmed and emotional...more positive and confident
• starting my family on a recycling program...we have all our trash cans labeled and lined up in a neat little row
• a very affirming phone call with my friend Thea on Monday night...and then finding a post card in the mail today from her...one that made me tear up...
• Annie Leibovitz's photo shoot for the current issue of Vanity Fair
• the excitement of another possible paid photo gig
• my friend Irma took one of my permission slips from this post and had it copied on pretty pink paper and laminated for me
• a beautiful Thursday afternoon...warm and still...it included a treasure hunt with the B-Dog...and when driving home from work I actually had to use the air conditioner...the air conditioner peeps!
• Love-U-Grams purchased for the B-Dog...it's a book of post cards you can send to your little one...you know, just to tell them how much you adore them
• a good mail day that included a package from Amazon with a copy of The Red Book (it comes highly recommended by both Meg and ArtsyMama)
• watching Half Nelson with T...which was excellent...Ryan Gosling's Oscar nomination was well deserved
• in less than 48 hours I'll be in the midst of Oscarfest 2007
• my grandfather pulling through his emergency triple by-pass...please send your prayers his way...he went in for an angiogram this morning and ended up on the operating table...when I left the hospital last this evening he was still in recovery but he seemed to be doing well...
• and if you wouldn't mind, send your prayers my mom's way too...they had to put their little dog to sleep this week (probably cancer) and she's pretty sad about it
• taking a polaroid every day this week...I'd love to take one every day for a year but hell, I can't afford the film
• one of my favorite pics of the week...see above...(taken with the Canon, not the polaroid)

Poetry Thursday--The Body Knows

The body knows
     when I won't let go
          keeping it all inside, in the dark
     when I hold back
          only being a thin whisper of myself
     when I lock myself in a cage
          as if I'm too wild to deserve to be free

The body knows
     when I bite my lip
          to keep from crying
     when I hold my breath
          to keep from feeling
     when I fall asleep
          to keep from seeing what's waiting right there

The body knows
     the shame I push away
          keeping it at arms length
     the guilt that visits
          in my restless dreams
     the secrets I fight to hide
          even from my own heart

The body knows
     the lies I tell
          to keep myself safe
     the fear
          that stares me in the face
     the dreams I spin
          so I won't have to live

The body knows
     the places I go
          to keep from falling apart
     why it hurts
          when someone looks through me
     and why I try so hard
          to be seen when I feel so small

The body knows
     what might happen
          if I slow down long enough to feel
     where I hide all I refuse
          to acknowledge as real
     why I feel so scared
          to be still

The body knows
     and it carries it all
          in the muscles across my back
          in the salt of my counted tears
          in the heaviness I drag from my feet
          in the darkness surrounding my eyes
          in the soft, wrinkles of my skin
          in every cell of my being

The body knows
     and yet it sings anyway    

Photography 101

I want to tell you about my photography class...

It's a short intro to photography class I'm taking every Tuesday night this month.  You know what that means...we only have one more class...boo-hoo...  I've really enjoyed it and although I can't say I've learned a lot of new information it's always good to have the information I am familiar with emphasized again.  I'm pretty much self taught.  Everything I know I've either read, been taught by T (the photography 'expert' in the family), or learned by trial and error.  The technical things I know (i.e. F stop, white balance, etc.) are still a little foggy so being able to study these terms again...and again...and again...is something I definitely need.  Perhaps the thing I've loved most about the class is having a group to 'talk' photography with...to be able to ask my questions...to learn along side others.

The first night was used to get to know each other and as an opportunity for the instructor to feel us out and see where we're at as far as our basic knowledge goes.  The second week was the hideous night we talked about the technical shit stuff.  I cringe anytime someone mentions the words aperture or F stop.  They can be hard concepts to wrap your brain around.  T has been trying for over a year to get me to understand it all and I still can't say I got it.  Oh I've got my analogies that help (analogies that would probably make a professional's head spin, but hey it works for me) but that's about all I've got.  So imagine trying to teach these concepts in a two hour class.  I'm sure we all had a 'what the hell?' look on our face.  Last night we moved on to some of the more fun aspects of photography--composition.  Next week is designated as a fun night and in addition to bringing photographs from our weekly assignment we're also to bring an enlarged (10x12) print of our most favorite shot we've taken since we started the class.  I'm excited to see one of my photos as a 10x12 print. 

I did have some fear going into the class.  Mainly that fear was what if I saw the instructor's photos or the photos taken by the other students and I started to compare myself.  What if it shut me down?  What if I started to think I couldn't do this?  But you know what.  That didn't happen.  In fact when I saw the instructor's beautiful work my immediate thought was, "I can do that!"  Each class has deepened that knowing for me.  I CAN do this...I AM doing this...  Every time I take a photograph I'm growing.  My skills are developing but, even better, I am becoming more and more comfortable owning and embracing my vision.

I've gotta admit--it hasn't been easy taking my photos to class.  It gives me a bit of a sick, nervous feeling in my stomach.  And I know what that's about.  It's my fear of rejection.  It's my need to be the best.  That fear is there...jealousy is there...doubt is there.  All of those things are there.  But one of the other opportunities I've created for myself through this class is the chance to learn how to refocus when all those things start to get stirred up.  I breathe into it and I practice my mantra over and over until I'm in a better heart space.  And what is my mantra?  I'll share it with you... 

"The world needs MY voice and MY vision."

I say it until I can believe it again.  I've chosen this mantra because it releases me from the need to be the best and gives me permission to be the only thing I can be--myself.  I don't have to be the best.  I don't have to compete with other photographers/artists.  I don't even have to compete with myself  I just have to give voice to my vision--that part of me that sees the world in a totally unique way from anyone else.  I just have to be Michelle's vision.  That makes it so much easier than trying to be the best or trying to be just like someone else.  So, when the fear comes...when the jealousy rises...when the doubts start to flood me I repeat...

"The world needs MY voice and MY vision."

And...the world needs YOUR voice and Your vision too...

SPC {B&W-3}

If you caught last night’s brief post then you know I chose to keep it brief so that I could spend my evening watching The Secret.  First, for those of you who aren’t familiar with what The Secret is let me paraphrase the basic concept.  Please know this information is my understanding of what The Secret is and that understanding comes from watching the video and what I’ve read on other blogs—I’m not an expert.  The Secret is a way of thinking/being which revolves around what they call the law of attraction—that which you focus on with greatest intent is what you will manifest in your life.  In other words what you think about the most and what you feel about yourself/life/etc is what you will attract into your life.  Therefore it is of utmost importance to focus on what you want from life because that is the very thing you will attract into you life.  A lot of us focus on what we DON’T want but because that is what we are focusing on (even though it’s not what we want) it is actually what we are inviting into our lives.  Does that make sense?  For those of you who have a deeper understanding of this concept and want to elaborate please feel free to do so in the comments.

Word about The Secret has been spreading through the blogging community for several months now and Oprah even had a couple episodes about this ‘phenomenon’ the over the past two weeks.  I was given the DVD by a dear friend back in November but I just had not made the time to watch it.  Part of me felt like I didn’t need to because I was already familiar with this concept.  I’ve worked through a couple of Louise Hay’s books (multiple times) and her work is very similar.  I’ve also worked through Shakti Gawain’s Creative Visualization which is also a similar concept.  From what I could tell from last night’s video The Secret seems to be a good combination of both Louise Hay’s work and the creative visualization process. I felt like I already knew this stuff and felt resistant to jumping on the bandwagon.  The truth is I am familiar with it but I haven’t really been practicing these principles. 

I’ve had some things going on in my life in the last week or so that made me feel like last night was the right time to watch the video.  So I did …well, I at least attempted to.  I only made it through the first hour or so before I became really emotionally overwhelmed and had to shut it off.  I’d had about all I could handle for one night.  If it’s true that we are in a constant state of creativity and if it’s true that it is our thoughts and feelings that are creating life as we experience it, well, then that can be pretty overwhelming.  They gave a few examples in the video of creating negative experiences and guess what?  That was ME!  What can be frightening and overwhelming is realizing the power we actually have.  I may talk about that power a lot but I don’t know that I am actually accepting/embracing it.

So about 2/3rds of the way in I had to turn the video off so that I could curl up in bed and have a good cry.  It’s a big concept to take in.  It has the potential to be life altering.  It’s loaded with power—personal power.  And sometimes I don’t know if I’m ready for that.  It would be so much easier to push it away, to give up my power/control to something else, something outside of myself.  To own it would mean admitting that what I have, including the things I don’t like/don’t want, especially the things I don’t like/don’t want, I created.  To own it would mean taking responsibility for creating the life I claim to want…

…My friends…that’s enough to make you want to curl up in bed and have one good long cry if you're not at the place where you're ready to accept it.

Needless to say I’m having a very intense reaction to this idea/concept/philosophy/way of being….and it’s not in the ‘oh my god this is so great’ kind of way (at least not yet)…it’s more in the ‘I don’t know if I can do this/I don’t know that I deserve this’ kind of way.  Even today, the day after, my emotions are still very tender.  I e-mailed my tribe first thing this morning because I was feeling so raw and vulnerable after sitting through the video.  It’s not that I don’t believe the law of attraction is true or that the power we hold is real.  There are plenty of testimonies that show how real and true it is.  It’s that I don’t know if I’m ready to believe that it’s real and true FOR ME.  I don’t know if I’m ready to accept the power/responsibility I have in creating my life.  I don’t know if I’m ready to let go…because to step into this new way of being will mean letting go of the old, familiar way of being.

I talk a lot about not wanting to be small (yes, for those of you who are Secret fans I realize what I just did—by focusing on not being small I am actually creating smallness), about wanting to live in fullness, but sitting underneath all that desire is a lot of fear…a whole lot of fear…which is normal and human…I know…

It’s not just The Secret that I’m pushing away.  I think I’ve been pushing away this law of attraction principal from the beginning, from the days of Louise Hay and Shakti Gawain.  I’m pushing away because of the fear but there is also some shame and guilt that gets stirred up when I come face to face with living in this way of being.  I am self aware.  I do a lot of self-reflection.  I know this information.  Therefore I should know better (yes, I know should is a shaming word.)  I see the things not working in my life, I remember that I’m the one creating it, and I feel like a real shit—the depression, the debt, the dissatisfying relationships, the unfulfilling, low paying job, the frustrating and disappointing dynamics with Britton, the anger towards myself that I take out on others...I'm creating it all.

As soon as I typed those words I heard this deep inner voice whisper, “So forgive yourself already.  Sit with the grief as long as you need to, forgive yourself, and make a new choice.”  Hmmmm…I think I need to go curl up with that voice… 

The point of power is always in the present moment….

It’s only a thought and a thought can be changed…

Louise Hay     

A Quickie

There's something I've been resisting...I think it's time I faced it.  I've had the DVD since November and I still haven't watched it.  Tonight's the night.  Maybe I'm afraid of how it will change my life.  Maybe I'm afraid of actually taking responsibility for creating my future.  Maybe I'm just comfortable with my small but familiar present situation.  Maybe I'm intimdated by what I'll have to face in myself.  Maybe it's a little of it all and then some.  Regardless I know I've been running...and it's time to stop.  I'll let you know how it goes.  In the meantime...

Here's a little touch of spring...just for you...

Guess What?

I finally got my Christmas decorations taken down and put away!!!!...just in time for next Sunday's Oscar party...

The Love List

In honor of Valentine's week...some of the things I'm lovin' these days...

• having lunch at my favorite restaurant with my friend Irma
• the single tulip in a vase on the table--just the touch of spring I needed (see above)
• B's excitement over Valentine's Day
• my photography class (more on that in a later post)
• the new yummy 50mm f/1.4 lens I got myself for Valentine's
• the fun, fabulous book T got me for Valentine's
• the 1st birthday of Poetry Thursday
• avocados...can't get enough of 'em...and they always remind me of one of my favorite movies..."Ruthie, do you have any avocados?"
• warm socks...it's been cold around here
• letting B have chocolate for breakfast...it was Valentine's Day...
• 8 days 'til the Oscars!!!
• a call from my friend Cherri just letting me know she was thinking about me and how excited she is for our Oscar night
• laughing through Knights of Prosperity
• waking each morning thinking about the things I'm grateful for then going to sleep each night listing more of the things I'm grateful for
• Mott's Healthy Harvest applesauce
• my new purse...this is a big one my friends...I finally found a purse to replace the one I've been using for about 10 years now...oh there have been other purses but I kept going back to the one I loved...even though it was falling apart, was stained, and couldn't withstand another washing...but I think I've found one...
• Jamie's new project...please check it out...it will make your heart smile...I promise...
• Mary Oliver...always Mary Oliver...the great priestess of poetry...
• the music of Damien Rice
• icicles...I'm so sick of the cold but I do have to admit that icicles are wicked cool
• B's new raincoat...I can't stand how precious he is in it...
• my level 99 gaucho jeans
• my favorite white Gap button up shirt...I love it...it's served me well for almost as long (or longer) as my old purse...I finally had to retire it this week and break down and get a new one
• the children's book Never Too Little To Love...so cute
• the Kleenex Let It Out commercial...the one where people stop, sit, and share on the couch on the middle of the busy sidewalk...it makes me cry every time
• Grey's Anatomy...what do you think's gonna happen guys????