Sunday Scribblings {Nemesis}

Yes, I know it's Monday but I was so in love with the photos I took yesterday and so eager to share them with you, my biggest supporters, that I couldn't resist putting off the scribblings for a day...

I used to have a very specific morning routine.  This was before motherhood drastically interrupted my life and I had my mornings to myself.  I used the clock on my stereo as an alarm and every evening I would randomly choose 5 cds to put into the 5 disk cd changer.  The alarm was always set at least 15 minutes prior to the time I needed to get up so that I could spend my first waking moments laying in the dark enjoying whatever music the stereo happened to choose.  One morning I was trying to encourage my body to wake itself when the words of one of the songs grabbed my attention.  I had recently purchased a Paula Cole cd that I found for a decent price in the used cd bin at Hastings.  I recognized a couple of the songs from the radio but wasn't overly familiar with her music.  On this particular morning the lyrics of one of her songs rang through the morning, the familiarity of the words in regards to my own life's journey leaving me both broken and empowered.

I am not the person who is singing
I am the silent one inside
I am not the one who laughs at people's jokes I just pacify their egos
I am not my house, my car, my songs
They are only just stops along my way
I am like the winter
I'm a dark cold female
With a golden ring of wisdom in my cave

And it is me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence

I am carrying my voice
I am carrying my heart
I am carrying my rhythm
I am carrying my prayers
But you can't kill my spirit
It's soaring and it's strong
Like a mountain
I'll go on and on
But when my wings are folded
The brightly colored moth
Blends into the dirt into the ground

And it's me who's too weak
And it's me who's too shy
To ask for the thing i love
And it's me who's too weak
And it's me who's too shy
To ask for the thing i love
That I love

I am walking on the bridge
I am over the water
And I'm scared as hell
But I know there's something better
Yes I know there's something better
Yes I know, yes i know, yes i know

That I love
But it's me
And it's me
But it's me

Even now as I type these words and read through them they cut into my soul.  I know too well the quite one inside.  I know to well the one who is too shy to ask for the things she loves.  Too often I fold my wings and blend into my surroundings often not even recognizing my own self.  And today I am standing on that bridge, scared as hell, knowing in the deepest places of my heart that there is something better. 

More and more I am recognizing that I am and can be my own hero.  I am learning that while others are there to love and support and encourage me along my journey no one can save me, no one can make me happy, no one can give me the things I want and need.  I have to do these things for myself.  I have to show up and speak up.  I have to be my own best friend.  And yet I'm also very aware of the flip side.  I am as much my own nemesis, my own enemy, as I am my own hero.  I am the one who gets afraid and crawls inside.  I am the one who stands in my own way.  I am the one who beats me up and robs me of my confidence.  It's me.  But it's also me who carries all of these bright and brilliant things inside.  Me who can give them life and air and substance.  Sure, I know I create the monsters but I also know I hold the power I need to face these monsters, to listen to them, to learn what my soul needs to learn, and then to repeat this process over and over again.

Comments

[ruby]

this is such an important post, michelle. have you read mary oliver's the journey? that's what i thought of when i read this...i'm happy that you are recognizing your own strength. :)

[deirdre]

We do terrible things to ourselves - this holding back when we should fly and keeping silent when we should sing. It's good to see your wings are strong and your voice...yes, your voice is strong too.

[amy]

Michelle, this is fabulous. I get you, I understand where you're writing from here. You are doing the work, you are doing fantastically, and your journey resonates with mine. Thank you for sharing your important words, your heart and those vulnerable places. I so appreciate you :)

[DebR]

When it comes right down to it, I bet most of us are our own worst enemy sometimes, but I love that you're discovering the hero inside!

[Lee]

Michelle, that is very, very moving and food for much thought. Thank you.

[susannah]

my angel, the time is coming when you will be everything you are already, when your sexy Salma Hayek self stands up and takes a bow. this post is what i would have written myself, about being my own nemesis, and occasionally my own hero. i just didn't have the energy to put it into words, so thank you for knowing it and getting it

i'm going to sort out the skype thing so we can chat - we need to contine the conversation we started standing outside that pub :-) love you xo

[Lucille]

I love this post. And now I have to hear that song...

Thank you for sharing.

[Elizabeth]

Below: The first of many many many paid photo gigs-- your work is OUTSTANDING!!!!

[Circirbocegi]

Hello and this is from me to u :

My Declaration of Self-Esteem
I AM ME

In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me
Everything that comes out of me is authentically me
Because I alone chose it - I own everything about me
My body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions,
Whether they be to others or to myself - I own my fanatasies,
My dreams, my hopes, my fears - I own all my triumphs and
Successes, all my failures and mistakes
Because I own all of Me, I can become intimately acquainted with me -
By so doing I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts - I know
There are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other
Aspects that I do not know - but as long as I am
Friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously
And hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles
And for ways to find out more about me - However I
Look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever
I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically
Me - If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought
And felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is
Unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that
Which I discarded - I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do
I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be
Productive to make sense and order out of the world of
People and things outside of me - I own me, and
Therefore I can engineer me - I am me and
I AM OKAY

--Virginia Satir, (C) 1975

[bee]

oh, sweet you.

i'm glad that you are recognizing, more and more, that if you do stand in your way then you can step out of it. you are such a beacon to everyone in how to be fearless.

[JanePoe (aka Deborah)]

Wonderful post, Michelle. Our internal monologue can be two sides of the same coin - champion or naysayer, advocate or discourager, hero or nemesis.

Wonderful photo to go with heartfelt thoughts.

Much peace, JP

[gkgirl]

it is amazing
how far you have come
in this direction
since i first
started reading you...
bravo!
:)

[beansprout]

"I am my own hero!" I love that you said that. I know that somedays it is more of a challenge than others but YOU ROCK!

[Georgia]

I love Paula Cole and I have that album :) I actually met her once... That is another story.
The lyrics to that song have always meant something to me as well, It is all so true.

I love that you are your own hero, i am working on that one still... getting there, but its hard work! :)

xoxo
Georgia

[tongue in cheek]

you are...and that is so very good!!

[Sam]

I remember listening to that CD with my best friend Carrie - part of our college experience - and I loved that song. So powerful. Now I want to hear it again!

[boho]

this made me cry.

i love witnessing the growth, inspiration, awareness that is transpiring within you. it does breathe life into me.

i miss you...

[colorsonmymind]

Oh sweetie-the photo is gorgeous-and your words are too. You are a hero-for yourself and for me too:)

I understand being your own nemesis too.
Love you bunches
XOXO

[Bek~Aussie Chick~]

Beautiful post Michelle.
I love it.
You are so right!
Being my own best friend is something I have been learning a LOT this year. Its the first year I think that I have been able to say I am my own best friend.

So much nice than being your own worst enemy !
Easier too.
((hugs))
Bx

[Marilyn]

I haven't heard about Paula Cole in a long while...I remember seeing her on some TV show (the Tonight Show, maybe)...and she was sitting at a piano and singing the hell out of a song...and as it drew to a close, she raised one arm high, exposing her underarm hair. She was just so gloriously IN HER SELF in that moment and all I could think was, bet they don't see THAT on the Tonight Show every night. (I love rule-breakers.) :) Great lyrics, beautiful post.

[sundaycynce]

Wonderful, beautiful, powerful post. Powerful and wonderful also your realizations about yourself. You seem well on your way to realizing yourself as your own hero. Cherish, nurture, SUCCEED!!!