Seattle

For the past three days I've been trying to decide what to say about my trip to Seattle and well, I just can't quite find the words.  I keep coming up empty.  Family members and co-workers keep asking me what it was like and if I had a good time and I feel like I've been very vague.  About as much as I'll say is, "It was fun," or "I had a good time."  I really don't have words to adequately describe what the trip was really like.  I think most people assume it was about sight-seeing and shopping.  Although we did both the trip itself was about so much more.  In fact we did very little sigh-seeing or shopping.  The majority of our time was spent simply being together and that has an emotional dimension that is beyond explanation. 

In 72 hours I experienced an intimacy that I've never quite known before.  I shared parts of myself with this group of women that I have never shared with anyone, ever.  In the course of our 72 hours together there were 7 women sharing one abode, each with their own fears, their own griefs, their own journey, their own issues and that adds up to some pretty deep, intense shit.  And believe me, within 72 hours we touched on just about all of it.  That of course means lots of tears and lots of hugs and lots of seeing into the eyes and souls of each other.  The only ones that will ever understand what this weekend was about is the 7 of us sitting in the middle of it.

I knew going into this that my main desire was to give these ladies and myself my best possible self.  Sometimes that happened and sometimes it didn't.  I'm probably not much different from many of you.  I have a life I live on the outside and then I have another life within that is just as true and just as real as the life that unfolds in front of the eyes of others.  What I want more than anything is to merge those two lives--the woman I am and the woman I know I can be.  Right now those two women seem very disconnected which is why I find myself referring to them as if they are two different people.  The reason I started this blog was to give voice to the woman within, the woman that often doesn't get enough space and air because of the fears that hold her back.  I knew going to Seattle to be with these beautiful blogging sisters was meant to begin giving my deeper self more power and more of a voice in my everyday life.  This is my life's work and our time together was about dedicating ourselves to whatever our life's work might be. 

When I arrived I brought every fear with me.  My quietness and introversion kept me a bit withdrawn and guarded.  The more I crawled into myself, away from the others, the more angry I became with myself.  And of course that didn't do anything to help the situation.  In fact it only made it worse.  I kept longing to show up, fully show up, and yet I seemed to keep taking steps backwards, not forwards.  I wanted to reach out.  I wanted to speak up.  I wanted to give everything I had but for some reason I just couldn't quite get there.  Saturday morning we all sat in Letha's basement and shared where we were emotionally in regards to the weekend.  I was finally able to crack open and share how overwhelming and intimidating it was to connect so deeply and so quickly with this group.  I'm very good with words, very good at processing and sorting things out on paper or on my blog.  But face to face I struggle.  Face to face I hold back and keep myself in check, even when I'm screaming to let go.  And trying to so quickly and immediately become the woman I know I can be was very overwhelming.  We were building relationships and sharing pieces of ourselves that normally might take years to build up to.  And here we were attempting, both failing and succeeding, to do it all in one long weekend.   

The first day and a half was rough.  The second day and a half I finally began to come into myself.  And by the time my flight left Sunday afternoon I knew we just hadn't had enough time together.  I still had so much more I wanted to give, so much more I wanted to say and do.  I wanted to make sure each of these women knew how much I loved, admired, respected, and appreciated their presence in my life.  But there just didn't seem to be enough time to thoroughly express that.  I've had moments in my life when I've felt extremely alive--the day B was born, my first first trip to Austin, wandering the deserts surrounding Santa Fe, etc.  And in those moments I've caught glimpses of the woman I know I can be.  Over this 72 hour period of time I had an opportunity to step into that woman's shoes and see the world from her eyes.  I had the opportunity to sit on the couch and talk about life and blogging and becoming.  I had the opportunity to hug and kiss and love on the most amazing women I've ever had the privilege of knowing.  I had the opportunity to shed tears for my own grief and the grief of others.  I had the opportunity to listen to the pain that is transforming lives.  I had the opportunity to cling to arms that love me and want the best for me.  I had the opportunity to fellowship with women who want to see me become the women I know I can be.  I had the opportunity to share things I'd never shared before and found that sharing didn't cause others to pull away or cringe.  Instead I found light in their smiles and understanding on their faces.  And I had the opportunity to merge the lives of the woman I am and the woman I know I can be.  So if I seem vague, if I don't say a lot about my trip it's only because there really are no words for an experience like this one.

I teared up when I was saying goodbye to my girls.  Last night I received a voice mail from the ones still in Seattle.  Today when I checked my e-mail for the first time since the trip I found messages from both Thea and Meg.  Each time I hear one of their voices or read one of their words I get choked up.  Seeing Thea's self portrait today was almost more than I could bear.  I feel raw, vulnerable, and emotional.  And I just don't know how to tell others about one of the most amazing, intense, emotional, scary, overwhelming, extraordinary, challenging, healing, difficult, incredible weekends of my life.  There just aren't words for that kind of experience.

Was it good?  Yes.  Did we have fun?  Yes.  Was it all I wanted it to be? Yes.  But there is so much more to it that I'll never be able to express adequately.  There is a dimension of the weekend that will never make it past the safe places of my heart.  That aspect of our time together will stay tucked away, feeding my soul for a very long time and nurturing the woman who's breathing just below the surface.

Comments

[kellyrae]

i think you've honored this moment in time, this weekend with yourself, of who is coming to be, who is rising up inside of you, alongside your inspirations and fellow sister companions just beautifully. some experiences are just meant to "be" - without explanations or narrative - they are just that raw and special. I am so happy for you that this was all that it was.

[a m y]

Oh Michelle, this made me cry happy tears, and tears of understanding. I tend to be like you, in that I have a hard time sharing myself at first. I am so proud of you for being courageous enough to connect and share and grow.

And though I was not in Seattle with you, I hope you know that I want you to be the woman you know you can be. Through reading your blog and your comments on mine, I've developed such an admiration of and connection to you. I'm cheering you on, and I'm glad to have a small part in your journey.

Love to you.

[Sam]

You and i have alot in common with how we express are feelings. It sounds like you had a soul touching time.

Love your pictures.

[Sam]

my blog is at www.stresscircuit.blogspot.com

[DebR]

I'm glad it was what you wanted it to be, Michelle and glad you have those memories and close connections. {{{Michelle}}}

[boho]

i just arrived home and ran upstairs to visit you because i've missed you so much.

did you feel our hearts exchange a myriad of emotions when we hugged goodbye?

you are beautiful, lovely, amazing just as you are.

there were so many moments when i looked at you across the room and when our eyes locked, tears began. words were not necessary.

your spirit speaks volumes and your centeredness grounded us.

it's all about awareness tokens baby. ; )

Loving YOU.

xoxo

[Nel]

I think you have expressed your time with these wonderful friends beautifully. I see myself in so much of what you say...You bless me...Nel

[kristen]

I'm glad you had this weekend Michelle, it sounds like it nurtured your soul.

[Colorsonmymind]

Oh Baby baby,

I kept checking yesterday for your words....and now I find them as I wake, and
they touched me so deeply-they expressed the experience so well, so perfectly.

The trip was all you said and now I will try to put into words a post because you my brave brave one have done so first.

I saw you lovely-all of you-and I couldn't adore and love you more.

Meeting you completed me-it really did.

Love you
XOXOXO

[gkgirl]

treasured time
and so much to hold onto...
yay for that!

[Elizabeth]

yummy yum yum yummeroo!

I don't know, I think the woman within has taken a strong position in the world-- she is here now, I can hear her and see her-- and hot damn, she's a beauty!

[meegan]

god. this entry so eloquently puts into words many of my own struggles when confronted with group experiences. the guardedness, the struggle to allow myself to just be... i become overwhelmed by the excitement, the stimuli, expectations of myself and others, that i withdraw. not sure what i'm trying to say other than, yes. i get it all too well.

[my pink sky]

i can understand so clearly this feeling you describe of your inner self as opposed to the self that faces the world...it certainly is a challenge to merge the two, and live out loud. i am in awe of this opportunity you all had to take this giant leap together. what a treasured experience...xo

[Alexis]

Hi, I was surfing and found your blog and really enjoy your gift for poetry, writing and photography. I think your story about your trip was movign and I could see you developing it into a short story about several women who join hands in a different state for 72 Hours. You could title is 72 Hours for now and write about all the wonderful, painful, emotional things that happen durign that time period. When you recover from your trip, if you are game, I hope you will try this challenge and maybe share it with us. I have linked you to my blog and mentioned you in a posting too. If you are up to it, you may link me in return. My blog is called Light Out of Darkness and is about dealing with bipolar disorder, creativity, writing life and the random musings of an almost thirty-year-old. By craft I am a nonfiction writer working on a book and a poet. By trade I am workign on getting my MLIS to be a librarian. I used to see no light out of darkness past thirty and thought I would kill myself like sylvia plath when I reached 30. Your site and your friends' sites help me to see that ther is a life beyond 30 that is wonderful, rich and creative--and youthful.

[deirdre]

There's magic in finding soul sisters, and such power that it takes time for it to sink deep into the soul and then rise again. I'm so glad you had the opportunity to meet your tribe.

[bee]

thank you, michelle, for sharing what you did.

i think it's very wise, too, for knowing that there are parts that you can't express - this beautiful reunion between soul sisters WAS just for the 7 of you...and it was a very intense experience i know... (how could it be otherwise, with 7 goddesses in the room?) but yes. you touched something in me here...

it was a private 'opening', no? and you should keep some of that - all of what you want - to yourself. to nurture, to think on, to be with.

you are such a wonderful, wonderful woman.

it may not seem like it, but you know yourself, and let yourself shine, a lot more than you think you do. and it is such a precious gift to the world.

thank you.

[susannah]

sweet cheeks, i walked through the door of my home an hour ago and i am missing you all SO MUCH. i feel so honoured to have met you and to have shared in the gentle blossoming in you that has begun now and will continue to unfold. you know i'm here for you *always* and am so so so proud of you... words fail me.... it must be the jet lag ;-)

i love you... i'll email once i've unpacked my brain from my suitcase (it finally arrived on sunday - can you believe it?!)

xoxoxox

[Josephine]

So beautiful, the human connection.

[MB]

That photo is perfectly expressive for this piece.

[Georgia]

Do not try to explain away all the magic that happened with words. Keep some for yourself to nurture you heart like you said.

I can only say that to an extent I understand exactly what there are no words to explain. What a powerful thing to be able to meet with other people so connected to your own soul. What a blessing for all of you.

xoxo
Georgia

[Bek~Aussie Chick~]

What a beautiful account, of what would have been such an amazing soulful experience for all attending.

Thanks for sharing with those who didnt.

Your words are very powerful.

I am sure you will have another gathering soon.

Bek x

[beansprout]

Sounds like a powerful connection. Sometimes it is impossible to express how this makes us feel.

[Colorsonmymind]

Had to come back and nuzzle you again. I can't stand how much I miss you. How much I want to grab your arm in mine again and snuggle you close.

Love you baby cakes

[letha sandison]

Michelle, this is such a beautiful and right on way to describe the weekend. I am deeply missing you all. My house is full of you all and every where I look I see a bit of each of you. I wish we had more time. I wish we all lived near eachother so that getting together when needed was not so hard.

It was an honor to meet you and to witness all your unfolding! You are a REMARKABLE lady and I am so grateful to know you!!

Let's chat on the phone soon sweetness.
XOXOX

[samantha]

Wow. Just wow.

Part of me thought, when I read about the weekend, "that's a lot of people in one place!" So I can absolutely understand that it was overwhelming, and also how frightening, emotionally, to have these people ready to catch you, but so afraid to jump in.

What a gift. I am tearful, thinking of all these beautiful, vibrant, human women being there for each other, sharing and giving of their souls. It's just one of the most beautiful illustrations of community that I can imagine. And it's so much deeper than that.