Sunday Scribblings {Good}

I was told to be good

So when my inner artist wanted to dance, twirl, color the sky red, make messes and act silly, explode into a ball of energy that couldn't be contained, bounce off the walls and tear down the curtains, run wild until I dropped from exhaustion, and be as sassy as possible, I sat on my hands, I made myself sit still so others would approve

I was told to be good

So when my creative spirit wanted to sing her own songs, as loudly as she could, even if it was off key, when she wanted to make music and write her own words to a million songs, when she wanted to be Miss America and one of Charlie's Angels, when she wanted to be seen and heard, I made myself quiet as a mouse, I made myself forget what I wanted, I made myself whisper so others wouldn't be offended

I was told to be good

So when frustration and anger made their appearance I held them back, I didn't cry, I didn't kick or shout, I pushed it down and pretended it didn't exist, I put on some sweetness and wore my best smile so others wouldn't feel uncomfortable

I was told to be good

So when I saw something that wasn't right I looked away, I didn't say anything, I acted like everything was okay even when it wasn't, I didn't tell the truth, I kept everyone's secrets, I played the games they wanted me to play even when it hurt so deeply, I did it all so others wouldn't feel embarrassed

I was told to be good

So when something happened that crossed my boundaries, when someone entered my space and helped themselves to my body, when a touch felt bad, was too hard, wasn't what I wanted, I thought it was my fault and blamed myself, I acted like it never happened so others wouldn't get angry

I was told to be good

So I only let myself want and long for the things others thought were worthy, I put aside happiness for conformity and obedience, I settled for a life chosen by others, if it didn't fit into their category of acceptability I pushed it away so others would like me

I was told to be good

So I played by the rules, I did everything right, I tried my hardest to never step out of line, I said my prayers, confessed my sins, and counted my blessings, I did everything required so others would think I was worthy

I was told to be good

So when things got carried away, when it went a little too far, when kisses weren't enough and I allowed more to happen, when passion stirred in my body and I wasn't strong enough to push it away, I carried the guilt so others wouldn't be disappointed

I was told to be good

So I made others a priority, I stroked their ego, let them believe they were the world, I faked my satisfaction and convinced myself I was happy, I stayed when I should have gone, I relented when I should have fought, I gave in even if it wasn't what I wanted, I lost myself in the lives of others, I fooled myself into believing something that wasn't there, I cried when no one was looking, I dreamed only in the dark, I let myself know pleasure only in my dreams, I never asked for too much, I stayed out of the way, I wished myself invisible, I erased my boundaries, I lost my voice, I said yes when I wanted to say no, I laughed when it wasn't funny, I played all the roles that were expected so others wouldn't feel hurt

I was told to be good

So when my actions disappointed others, when I committed my sins, when I broke the rules and dishonored the commandments, even though it didn't seem wrong or out of character, even though it was the happiest I'd ever been, I pulled away so others wouldn't judge me

I was told to be good

So when I did what I needed to do for myself, when I took that first step towards better caring for myself, that first step towards help so desperately needed, when I made my life a priority and chose not to live by someone else's standard of right and wrong, I created my own personal sanctuary so others wouldn't shame me

I was told to be good

And now I hear those two words and I shutter because they hold so much power.  I'm not certain what they mean anymore.  I only know I believed everything I was told and I didn't think for myself.  Now I fight against them in an attempt to define my own understanding of myself, the world, God.   Those two words have kept me small for so long, they have robbed me of dreams and stolen my spirit.  I'm fighting to get all those things back even if others don't agree with it or understand it.

I was told to be good

There are times I hear myself say those words to others and my heart aches a little.  I immediately want to take them back.  Those words have been so twisted, used to keep me on the straight and narrow instead of letting me live in the fullness of my spirit.  I see those six letters lined up side by side and they are tangled in confusion and constriction.

I was told to be good

My whole world used to teeter on those two words.  It was all I ever knew.  And it was defined by everyone else, including their beliefs about God.  Now I am taking those two words and cutting the strings that bind them to my past.  I am setting them free so they finally belong to me...with no shame and no guilt, and I'm sure there are others who hate that they can't control it.  But those others have used these two words to control me, to keep me wrapped in threads that are prim and proper.  Despite any good intentions those words have still wounded.  I can not toss those two words out of my vocabulary.  That's not possible.  They will always be there and even their ache may never be completely healed.  But good no longer has to be small, invisible and perfect.  It can be so much more and it no longer has to be tied to the opinions of others.

Comments

[boho]

mmmmm...

yes...cut those strings baby and fly free.

i adore you. i get you.

xoxo

[DebR]

Amen, sister!
I don't regret much in my life, but I *do* regret time wasted trying to "be good" for others. Why can't we be admonished to be kind or be smart or be real instead? Lovely post. And that photo is awesome!

[kerry]

your words have stopped me in my tracks. mostly because they make my secret heart feel exposed, because you have posted words that i have been fighting not to scream at the top of my lungs. your courage and ability to articulate and clarify these feelings and reasons feels like a beckon to me to come out of hiding. i hope to one day be as far down my own journey as you so remarkably seem to be on your own. i appreciate you letting me in on glimpses of yours. i wish for you the ability to "be good... to yourself".

[Melba]

Reading your blog has made me a better parent.

Through blogging I am so much more aware of the language I use to speak to my children.

So many times people (relatives) say...
Tell your children to stop screaming. But if we are running outside playing and laughing, why can't they scream in delight? and if they should not scream in delight amongst the wind and trees, where can they be free?

I often don't say anything because I want to seem like a good Mother...but I believe in all my heart that children and (all of us) need to be seen And Heard.

Thank you always for your beautiful prose and reminders.

[tongue in cheek]

I think your writing deserves a prize! Perfect post for Sunday Scribblings!
Your last paragraph was flawlessly good!!

[R's Musings]

We cannot know who we are until we shed those worn out beliefs handed to us, questioned every value that we hold. You articulate the struggle of self-discovery very, very well.

[C. Delia]

Tears in my eyes...a cliche, maybe--but, certainly true for me as I read along here--the screen all blurry with what my mind did with your words. Thank you sincerely...
--D.--

[my pink sky]

refreshing, honest and beautifully put.

[gkgirl]

a lot of what you say
hits close to home for me
as well...

beatuifully put.

[Star]

It feels good to finally walk in the sunshine, free of the dark clouds of "shoulds." It is wonderful to see you blossoming and spreading your wings.

[ceanandjen]

True goodness in one's life comes from truly knowing who YOU are and what makes YOU happy. I believe that if we do not embrace these things, we can not be "good" to ourselves or anyone near to us. It took me a very long time to realize this, as I, like you, and like most, spend a very long time being good according to everyone else's definitions

Your exploration of this was beautiful. I admire your thoughtfulness and honesty, and I am happy that you are reaching that place in your life where you are defining your goodness.

[samantha]

This is incredibly powerful. I mean it, incredibly, deeply powerful. It is manifesto kind of powerful. Michelle, you are so good than you go beyond that - I am so happy that you've cut some strings and embraced your freedom. Twirl those skirts, laugh as much as you can and as loud as you want. I'll put on some Aretha and we'll dance up a storm!

[aola]

I think this may be the best thing you have ever written and you have written some great posts... I felt like you were reading my mind.

Thanks for this.

[twistedsoda]

I regret a few things in my life. Such regrets I take in stride and know that what has been done can't be fixed or nonetheless resurrected. Nor would I ever want to. thank you for being there for me these last few weeks. I am loving the pic, makes me feel so at home.

[amy]

Wow. If we were in person, I would throw my arms around you right now, with my tears still flowing down my cheeks and hug you. For you, and the ways you've grown and changed and learned the real definition of "being good". And for me, because this describes me, too. Thank you for articulating so clearly what this feels like. You've left me speechless. I am printing this out.

XO

[bee]

oh my goodness, michelle...

i can only echo what others before have said. i CANNOT put into words how incredibly moving i found this post...how much it seems to express parts of everyone's journey, to fully own themselves, and yet remains such a powerful, achingly beautiful testimony to your own experience.

have i thanked you for writing this? thank you. i am so thunderstruck - here's to you finally colouring the sky red, drawing your own boundaries, singing off-key, being the wonderful, multi-faceted goddess that you always have been.

you are enabling others to do the same, just by being yourself. what an amazing gift.

thank you.

[kristine]

Such power in these words. Being good is a loaded concept. I applaud your way of exposing yourself and us all.

[Marilyn]

This post brings up a LOT of feelings (and familiarity) for me. "I created my own personal sanctuary so others wouldn't shame me"...that's what I still do today...every day. I can't seem to find a place or people in 'real' life (outside of our home) that make me feel safe enough to feel like I don't have to do that. I get glimpses of that safety within some of my blogging relationships. I only wish I could find it in the flesh. Because without safety (for me), all the casting-off freedom is lost...when I still feel compelled to don my armor when I head out the door.

[Amber]

This is the best post I have read about this topic, for sure. You are brave and being so honest and strong. I think your words will speak for so many. I know it.
Before staying home, I worked for many years with child victims of abuse. I hate that so many children have been shamed into silence with these words! I hate that they then carry that notion of self around for the rest of their lives. That they think their "goodness" is tarnished. That they wear their "goodness" like armor. I want them to scream and shout and tramp through the quiet house, until they are noticed!
Thank you for this post. Your writing touches me today...
:)

[ruby]

such a wonderful post, michelle. you speak for a lot of us with this one.
your words are such a gift. you have NO. IDEA.

[Claire]

Wow. Just wow. This is an amazing piece of writing.

Blessings,
Cxx

[eileen]

your awareness and relections are inspiring. may you continue to use your voice to help us understand and accept ourselves.