SPC {Enclosed Spaces-4}

Even with all the craziness happening in my life right now I have remained faithful to the mirror meditation challenge.  I'm still showing up, I'm still giving 10 minutes a day, I'm still daring to look at myself and name what's fumbling it's way to the surface. 

In two days the first month of the challenge will be over and we will be entering month two.  One of the most surprising outcomes of this first month has been the way my time in front of the mirror has morphed, changed, and transformed.  The first several days I was excited and eagerly looked forward to my minutes with the mirror.  Then the body issues crept in.  My issues surrounding worth and value were hot on the heels of the body issues.  Over this past week I have been experiencing something altogether different.  I'm not even certain how to name it and because I'm not sure I can I'll try to describe it instead.  I've been experiencing these particular feelings for some time now but lately as I've stared at my reflection in the mirror these feelings have become even more intense, and there's also another feeling underneath, almost a feeling of grief. 

I feel as if I'm a tiger enclosed in a cage.  I come out occasionally to perform my tricks with the lion tamer.  I jump through my fiery hoops, let the tamer stick his head in my mouth, and jump from one pedestal to the next.  I growl.  I bare my teeth.  I spat at the air with my massive paw but I continue to do as I'm told.  I haven't forgotten who or what I am.  I know I'm a tiger, a wild animal with great power.  I know that even though the tamer thinks he's in control he's not.  If I decided to turn on him I could and it would be brutal and bloody.  Every growl, every curled lip, every spat in the air is to remind him of who I am and yet out of respect and obligation I stay on my best behavior. 

I keep asking myself if this tiger decided to break free what would be the worst thing that could happen?  The lion tamer may be severely wounded or killed yet that isn't the worst of it.  The tiger really doesn't care what happens to the tamer.  There's no love loss there.  The worst thing would not be knowing how to live in the wild.  I've been enclosed within steel bars for so long I'm not certain I could live outside of them.  They offer the illusion of safety and protection and so I stay crouched behind them.  Even if I should find the cage door mistakenly open one day I'm not certain I would dare to step out and make a run for it.  I don't know life without the bars.

I know that my little outings to perform with the tamer in the center ring isn't enough.  I pretend it's good enough, I settle for that little bit of false freedom but I know deep down inside that it's simply not enough.  It will never satisfy my longing to experience the fullness of my nature, my wild, powerful, glorious nature.  And yet I stay.  Enclosed in the cage, enclosed in the center ring, enclosed in the body of a tiger that holds back her power.  I offer the occasional roar as if that's enough, as if that adequately expresses my nature, my wildness, my passion, my power.  I've lied to myself, convincing myself that that is enough, that I am fully expressing myself, but I know it's such a weak imitation of the real thing.  I am a tiger trapped in a crazy three ring circus convincing herself that this is the wild, that her roars and spats are wildness.  The truth I keep pushing down, trying to cover it up in order to pretend it's not there, is that I need to let that tiger live her power.  I need to set her free.

What's holding me back?  What keeps me enclosed in this imitation of wildness?  My immediate answer is fear.  Isn't that usually the answer to almost every resistance?  But I'm not even certain of what.  I guess the truth is I'm afraid to really be a tiger.  I know it's my nature.  I know it's who I am but I just can't seem to live in that fullness.  I feel safer imitating a real out-in-the-wild tiger, being one that holds back her power.  I tell myself that's enough.  I know it's not.  And every time I step a little closer to the edge, closer to the open door of the cage, I stop, unable to allow myself to move any further.  I close down.  I back away.  I lay in the hay, lick my paws, and pretend I'm satisfied because the alternative, the really living it, appears to ask for more than I have to give, or at least more than I can see that I have to give.

Comments

[MB]

You know how when you strain against something, the pressure, the power behind the muscle is exercised to the max? Whereas if the muscles were relaxed, there wouldn't be such intense energy going on? I think sometimes our tigers seem scarier than they really are or need to be, precisely because they've been itching so long to get loose. All that pent up energy makes them seem really intense. Whereas if there were no bars, no enclosures, the whole thing wouldn't be such a big deal. Know what I mean?

[amy]

I know it's hard. I just recently "let my tiger out" and it's hard. There is a natural sense of grief, because you say goodbye to patterns. You're starting that process. Believe me...there is so much more beyond what you experience now. Don't let fear hold you back. You possess so much goodness and power, beauty and worth.

[melba]

Reading this I thought of all the people I have come across in my life who are tigers, but have no f*cking idea they are!
You at least know!
This is so good!
You at least know!

Also from experience I know it feels like a curse to know at times.
and at times I pray for oblivion.
But that is not our path my friend.

So on the days you think there is no way you will ever leave the cage, may the knowledge that you at least know you are a tiger be proof that someday you will set yourself free to really live your wildest dreams.

[DebR]

I have no doubt you'll leave the cage when the time is right. No doubt at all.

Your photo is beautiful!

[Rachel]

I feel like I relate to your tale in a primitive,instinctive, animalistic way. I'm still not even sure what kind of animal I am yet. Not a tiger like you. Good luck venturing into the wild.

[Rachel]

I feel like I relate to your tale in a primitive,instinctive, animalistic way. I'm still not even sure what kind of animal I am yet. Not a tiger like you. Good luck venturing into the wild.

[my pink sky]

i love this photo of you, so soft and pensive... living up to your true potential is a lifes work, and you are taking steps along that path every day. it's only when you look back that you can see how far you've really come. and your roar is heard by so many.

[gkgirl]

intense.

i think you are
really onto something...
keep searching it out.

[josephine]

In reading this, two thoughts come to mind.

First, if a tiger is to survive on her own, she's got to accept the necessity of occasional brutality.

Second, how does that translate to humanity. The ways we survive are very different, but in some ways, very similar.

Tigers are powerful creatures, to be sure, but the advantage of being human is the almost endless capacity to learn.

A tiger can only learn so much from her mother or her captors, but a human has a mind with twisting folds and sparks that fly across galaxies. You can learn to live outside those bars, no doubt whatsoever.

[kristen]

What a beautiful way to describe the confines we hold ourselves in, regardless of what the issue might be. This photo is gorgeous.

[Colorsonmymind]

Your self awareness, as always, intrigues me and makes me happy for you and your journey.

You are strong like a tiger and I know that you will leave the confines of your cage-albeit it may feel slow it is happening.

You gather courage with every step and glance-even if you don't realize it.

Hugs and love to you

[lela]

excellent shot...
it says so much

[Claudia]

I bow to your eloquence...

The tiger in you needs to leave the cage, and she will, eventually. I'm pretty sure of that.

Usually, the bars, the cages that hold us from being our true selves, have been built by ourselves...
...built by the fear to get hurt, and/or the fear to hurt others (although not doing so might hurt ourselves).
If we feel a need to transcent the cage holding us back, we've got to try, to really start living.

Hugs from a fellow tigress.

[samantha]

You are the loveliest tiger I've ever known.

And on a totally different note, I am IN LOVE with your bed. Gosh, I just want to jump in bed with you and giggle all through the night - and talk about deep things - just fall asleep talking, just like a good sleepover should end.

[Marilyn]

This is a powerful, powerful, POWERFUL post, Michelle. And that photo? Brilliant AND gorgeous.