The Day After

I awoke this morning in a small state of panic and seriously considered deleting yesterday's post.  I suddenly felt very naked (and in Texas that is pronounced necked) and vulnerable, like I'd just revealed one of my deepest, darkest secrets.  And I had.  Later I resisted opening my e-mail, uncertain as to the types of comments that might await me.  I half expected a "grow up you silly little girl and start living and embracing your own reality."  Thankfully all of you were very understanding and very supportive.  Many of you assured me I wasn't alone which felt was a tremendous weight off my shoulders.  I don't guess I've ever heard anyone admit to pretending to be someone else.  I was beginning to wonder if I was just weird and maladjusted.  Certainly I've heard many people complain about not feeling satisfied or fulfilled but no one that I know of has come out and admitted that when they feel this way they deal with it by creating another life for themselves.

I've posted a lot of very honest emotions.  I've revealed things about myself that some of the people who are closest to me don't even know.  But yesterday's post felt different from anything I'd written before.  It's one thing to expose my grief, my pain, my frustrations, my failures.  I can handle that.  I know that is a human experience.  But my shame, actually putting my shame out there is a bit more risky and frightening.  Certainly everyone experiences shame.  I'm not alone in that.  But it seems that when it comes to shame that's something that most people take very personally and want nothing more than to keep it in the dark where no on can see it.  After tossing my reaction to yesterday's post around in my head all day I did come to the conclusion that it is the shame that made the post feel so much more vulnerable.  Despite how much I know about myself and despite everything I understand about both guilt and shame, I have to admit that I feel ashamed about my use of escapism.  Maybe it's normal.  Maybe we all do it.  But for someone who wants nothing more than to love herself and her life, to embrace it completely, to live fully, admitting I don't feel like my life is enough and that I slip into another world from time to time is a huge source of shame.  And it's a little embarrassing, like admitting you still stand in front of the mirror with a hairbrush pretending to be...insert the name of your favorite rock star here.    Part of the reason for writing yesterday's post was to acknowledge my need to deal with the shame.  As long as the shame keeps me hiding behind closed doors I can't embrace this other creation as myself.  I can't use it if I'm ashamed of it.  Another part of writing the post was to get other people talking about it as well, to open the door to the issue of not feeling enough and the ways we try to escape this pain, dissatisfaction, and disappointment.

In light of today's feelings and many of your comments I felt I had a little more to say about yesterday's topic of conversation.

First let me say this experience isn't new to me.  It's not something that has recently started occurring.  No, I've been doing this all my life.  When I was a child I was one of Charlie's Angels.  I was a crew member on the Love Boat.  I was Daisy Duke.  Later, when I was a bit older, my fantasies focused on Miami Vice.  You can only imagine the adventures a girl can create with Crockett and Tubbs.  In early junior high I read S.E. Hinton's The Outsiders for the first time and thus begin creating a new character to the story--me.  I was the one who could keep Dally from dying.  I was the one who walked away happily ever after with Soda Pop or Pony Boy or which ever one of them happened to catch my fancy at the time.  It was something I was doing years ago and I've never stopped.  When life begins to feel less than thrilling I slip away for awhile.  That's what I've always done. 

I totally agree with what many of you are telling me.  I do in fact recognize that this other person I've created is ME, another version of myself.  I know she holds a lot of wisdom.  I know I am letting her live out the very things I long for the most but either feel I can't have or am too afraid to go after it.  I recognize that she is a fuller version of myself which is why I don't want to eradicate her.  I just want to learn from her, let her lead me to a fuller existence.  But I do feel guilty about the escapism that sometimes comes from the creation of this other self.  I want her to teach me how to live.  I don't want to do all my living through her in my imaginary world.  I want her to come alive through me in this real world.

I also realize that a lot of people in this world, even people who appear to have brilliant, fabulous lives, would kill to have my life.  They would like nothing more than to have a roof over their heads, food in their stomach, steady employment, a partner who loves them, and a little boy waiting for hugs and kisses and lots of tickles.  I know that.  And that is perhaps part of the shame.  I know I'm lucky.  I know this should be enough because it's so much more than many people ever have.

I also want you all to know that I do listen to her.  I've been steadily learning to do that more and more over the past 6-7 years.  I am learning to nurture her and care for her and let her show me what she wants.  She is the reason I purchased a guitar a few weeks ago.  She wanted one.  She is also the reason that last weekend I bought myself some bright red lipstick.  She wanted that too.  I'm not wearing it to the office but I am wearing it around the house (and in yesterday's self portrait.)  I'm am learning that what she wants is very often what I want but am afraid to admit.

I am also aware that the life I create for her is a way of taking care of and nurturing myself.  I give her the things that I can't have.  There are some things in life that no matter how badly you may want them you're just not going to get them.  That's just life.  This is one way I have of dealing with that grief.  I give myself what I long for the most in my imaginary world. 

Which one of us is the more authentic one?  We both are.  She certainly is all the things I truly am but I'm too afraid to let loose.  I'm too much of a good girl.  I'm trying to break this ugly habit.  Most of you (except for you Steve, if you're reading this) haven't known me for very long so your not able to see how far I've come.  Steve, if you are reading, feel free to tell everyone in the comments what a very, very good girl I've been all my life and that I really have made great strides in the past few years.  She is authentically me.  And yet I'm authentically me too because you see, she's not really human.  She has no imperfections.  She doesn't fail.  She's fabulous and sexy and grounded and outgoing and fearless.  And while deep down there may be some truth to those things the other truth is that I don't feel sexy (I've been carrying an extra 15 lbs since I've become a mother), I fail a lot, I'm very shy, and I'm scared. This is authentically me too.  We are both my authentic selves.  It's just a matter of getting the two selves to work together to create a life that feels more satisfying and more fulfilling.

Finally, and I know this has been long, longer than I had intended, besides opening the door so that this issue can come to light it was also a way of asking myself and you all reading some very important questions:  How do we support each other in the quest to live an authentic life?  How do we allow ourselves to be honest?  How do we hold each other accountable?  How do we love each other through the dissatisfying moments and help each other stand a little firmer in our differing truths?  How do we show up here, for ourselves and for each other, so that we are indeed becoming the people we truly are?  For me it started by being honest and letting you know that I have this alternate existence.

Wait, I lied.  There actually is one final thing.  I think you'll be pleased to know that she and I had lunch together today.  I wrote her a letter and told her some of what I'm feeling.  We're going to start making this a regular thing she and I.  We need to check in with each other a bit more often.  She needs to hear my fears.  I need to listen to her wisdom.  And maybe then I'll begin to trust her more and therefore let her out a little more often than I have been.

Comments

[Rebekah]

Wow. "Her" wisdom is your wisdom, and you are INDEED a wise person! I'm going to ramble a bit - but where does fantasizing, which seems to cause pain, stop and dreaming, which is wholly sanctioned begin. I think seeing ourselves in different situations, through a wondrous brain that can actually transport us body and spirit into those imagined places, allows us to explore parts of ourselves that our backgrounds may have long ago sublimated. I think your process now, earlier, and future, is a healthy one. You are not retreating on a permanent basis. I don't think "authentic" means stagnant. I think we can constantly reinvent ourselves as we discover and allow ourselves to embrace different parts of all that makes up the whole us. Sorry this is so long! No shame. No shame!

[melba]

My goal this year that I wrote for 52 Figments in January was to Live an Authentic Life.

Sometimes it is difficult to Really know myself because I am constantly changing...I am in the deliberate pursuit of transformation...

We are taught to think about others and idle things...

Having Conversations with ourselves is vital to an authentic life.

You are on to something...inviting her to lunch.

I think that is what I will do for my birthday coming up. Invite myself to lunch for an honest conversation.

Thankyou for the inspiration...

[boho]

i don't want to overwhelm you with words. i wish i could just deliver my feelings in a hug or a cup of tea on the couch.

but i do want to say one thing. you are her. look how brave you are. you are letting her loose by putting your words here and now you are one.

believe that. i see a superstar...do you?

fantasy rocks.

[kristen]

The two of you will meet more and more and eventually (I think soon) you won't notice the distinction between your selves, it will just be.
Yes, shame is a powerful emotion and this post really resonated with me. After my therapy session yesterday, I felt very vulnerable and shamed and it was hard to sit with that, but it passed and I acknowledged it without brushing it away, just as you have acknowledged what felt shameful for you.
I think your journey is an amazing one and deeply powerful and I'm thrilled to be able to share it from my neck in the woods. Much love to you!

[Lee]

I love the photos you have been doing of late. They have a real warmth. In both senses - colour and emotion.

[Marilyn]

I love, love, LOVE this photo. This whole series of posts you've been doing has really got me thinking. There's lots I could write in a comment, but instead I think I'll let it percolate a bit and emerge as a post. Good, deep thoughts, Michelle.

[Mardougrrl]

Thinking and thinking and thinking about all this as well...it's become one of the BIG questions of my life, or rather, I have allowed it to come back into my daily consciousness, as it never really left.

How to become authentic? How to follow those desire trails of not-so-pretty emotions like envy and self-loathing and self-boredom and endless evaluations and comparisons to teach us what we need to know? I think in part it's a convenient way to try to stifle and strangle what might come up as undifferentiated longing. It's easier to say "I wish I looked like Angelina Jolie" than it is to say, "I feel something...some vague dissatisfaction, but I don't know about what or what I should REALLY do with this nagging feeling?"

I think the fantasies are great and a free way to try out all of these other parts of ourselves like new outfits. But I do also see the danger of remaining stuck in our own lives, like Walter Mitty, because all of our life energy is being channeled into these "safe" rebellions that never materialize into something concrete in our lives.

Gee, can you see that Blogger is down and I need to blog SOMEWHERE? ;)

How to support ourselves in this journey? I think we already do a great job...I just wish we could extend that to the people in our daily life! I am surprised by how much I censor myself around my family and friends, how much I DON'T do out of fear of their dislike or disapproval. Or is this excuse just a convenient fiction to let myself off the hook when I am scared of changing.

Michelle--thanks for all of this. It's truly hit a nerve and TRULY necessary. Just like you are, to me.

xoxo, Mon

[Lisa]

I was moved to tears and connected to the posts of the last two days on many levels. I think we as women go through this though many of us are probably afraid to voice it. You posed great questions in the end. I think by being true to ourselves, honest and supportive to one another everthing else falls into place. Thanks for letting us hear your voice.

[Josephine]

Shame is one of those things that does not have much use.

Unless you use it on someone because you want to attempt controlling their behavior, or their thoughts.

But to use it on yourself? Why do we do that?

You have nothing to be ashamed of. Nobody does. We're all human animals.

[Steve Stallings]

For the record-Michelle has been a "very, very good girl all (her) life and (she really has) made great strides in the past few years." And for a little under half of her life, I have been trying to break her of this habit!
I see what you 're saying here but I'm not sure there has to be so much duality to this. why does it have to be "you" and "her"? I am reminded of a line from a song by the band Live-"the perception that divides you from her is a lie" (The Beauty of Gray)
On the other hand, I'm glad that you two had lunch and I hope that no one in the restaurant noticed that you were talking to yourself.(I will not come get you out of looney bin again!) Much Love!Me.

[ruby]

"How do we support each other in the quest to live an authentic life? How do we allow ourselves to be honest? How do we hold each other accountable? How do we love each other through the dissatisfying moments and help each other stand a little firmer in our differing truths? How do we show up here, for ourselves and for each other, so that we are indeed becoming the people we truly are?"

i agree with you -- it starts by doing what you just did -- sharing our experiences. thank you for being brave.

[Lynn]

I love that you wrote her a letter. That's really wonderful. I just read this post and your last post, and I am reminded of Linda Gregg's book of poems, Too Bright To See. In it, she has a series of poems written to or about her alter ego, Alma. I've loved these poems since I first read them, and I think the writing to one's alter ego could be really powerful, healing.

[amy]

You really have now idea how stinking comforting it was for me to read that someone else ADDS THEMSELVES TO BOOKS! I was totally a member of the Babysitter's Club in my mind, and lived on the prairie with Laura Ingalls and all sorts of other stuff. I totally understand where you're at. I'm proud of you, for first admitting this, and secondly, for examining those feelings. Speak your truth...I'm sure it's somewhere in the middle. Blessings and love to you as you journey on with this.

[dani]

authentic to me means being real to yourself - and it sounds like you do exactly that - whether it means having a few roles or personalities or whatever. you create the you you want to be whenever you want to be and that's as real as you're going to get.

thank you for your insights, and articulating how we all sometimes feel.

[Tongue in Cheek]

you speak a beautiful called you. Your words are arrows and cupid loves to shoot right into our hearts!

[Jennifer (she said)]

Shame is one of, if not the most, powerful emotions I have ever felt and it is one that I have run from, buried, and been surprised by when it finally dug it's way out of the hole I'd put it in. Shame terrifies me. The fact that you identified it and plowed on anyway is just amazing, no, outstanding to me.

I have, for years and years, actually thought of myself as a dual self...a person who is the same and then again, who has very different pieces and can stand alone sometimes. That other self is smart. She has pulled me out of the black places over and over again. She dreams on when I refuse to. She loves me when I can't love me. She thinks I deserve the best, always. She never doubts what we can do together for a minute. She gets me out of crappy relationships. She has been around most strongly since the bulimia and anorexia, during my junior and senior year of college, but she was also the girl who dreamed of being a folk singer, who begged her parents for an acoustic guitar at age eight, who longed and fought for the very very best ever since I was a little girl.

Your post, this and the one before, do not surprise me. They fill me up and lift me up and remind me to enjoy the time I spend with you here. They remind me to remember that I have this gift of myself and always have. Your ability to walk past the shame and embrace your life fully is a GREAT BIG GIFT in multiple ways. Good for you. There is much clapping and shouting for you from this part of the country.But I'm in a coffee house so I have to do the clapping and shouting in my head :-) I hope you can hear it anyway.

xo Jennifer

[susannah]

Bravo my friend! honesty is the best thing we can give each other - and we can borrow each other's eyes, so you see me, and i see you... and i see a very strong powerful woman x

[susan]

In reading your two posts my heart just went out to you. The more you see your life for what it really is, the closer you will be to both accepting and changing it! you're in my thoughts.