Sunday Scribblings {My Two Cents}

I.

First it was the boy in my kindergarten class.  He was curious.  He wanted to explore.  My body suddenly wasn't my own.  I was scared.  I never told.  Later it was the swimming pool incident.  A friend and I went to the pool for the day (this was back when parents felt safe about dropping their kids off at the pool and leaving them there all day by themselves.)  She and I were hanging on the edge.  Talking.  Laughing.  I knew there was someone on the other side of me but I didn't really pay much attention.  Until I felt fingers slip through the crotch of my bathing suit.  I jerked around and saw the smirk on his face.  For a moment we locked eyes.  I was paralyzed.  The same paralyzed fear I felt at the age of 5.  I pulled away and hopped out of the pool.  I never told.  My body suddenly wasn't my own.  Years later I was at the home of my first boyfriend.  No one else was home except his little brother who was probably about 10 (I can't really remember.)  My boyfriend pinned me down, sitting on my legs, holding down my arms with his hands, and let his little brother cop his first feel.  I trusted him.  I never told.  Again my body wasn't my own.  I've never been raped.  I've never been forced to perform a sexual act that I didn't want to perform.  But I do know what it's like to feel as if you can't protect yourself.  I know the anger of feeling like your own body, the one thing that should be yours, isn't.  And I know all about not feeling like you have a voice.  I know about all the ways you try to say no when you don't know how to say no.  I know about wishing they could pick up on the body language, the diverted eyes, the tense muscles.  I know how to not say no.  I know what it means to feel like you owe him.  It's your fault that he's excited.  Now pay up.  I know what it's like to be scared, to have no voice, no power.  There have been too many times when my body wasn't my own.

II.

Eve Ensler is one of my heroes.  Her work to end violence against women is astounding.  She has not only brought, and kept, the issue in the publics eye but she has also worked to empower women, giving them a voice, helping them learn how to say no.  The Vagina Monologues changed my life.  It gave me permission to use the the word vagina.  It even changed my perspective about the word cunt.  It gave me permission to look at my body...all of my body, even the parts I kept in the dark.  It helped me realize that I am connected to something greater than myself, something called womanhood, sisterhood.  It made me proud to be a woman instead of ashamed because I couldn't speak up for my own body.  I couldn't protect myself from people who thought they had the right to my body.  I can not look through her photo book Vagina Warriors without crying (and yes, that is my lovely Selma Hayek on the cover wrapped in Eve Ensler's arms.)  Seeing photos of women committed to ending violence against their sisters, committed to empowering women, is more moving than I can relay.  I flip through the book and thank each one of them for their courage, their passion.The photo that pulls at my heart every time is the portrait of women, some Israeli, some Pakistani, photographed together.  Peace is a word they are not very familiar with yet despite their differences of opinion there is one thing they can agree on, there is one thing that binds them together--the fight for their sisters.  African American women, Native American women, young girls, gray headed ladies, celebrities and just some woman down the block, activists and authors, all of their portraits are present in this book.  All of them are fighting for women.  All of them are vagina warriors.  I am proud to be a part of this sisterhood.

III.

When I hear stories about young girls finding themselves in the same, or worse, scenario that I have known I feel angry.  No, that is too light a word.  I feel enraged.  The fact that this world is not safe for women and children is unacceptable.  One out of every four college-aged women in the US has been raped.  Unacceptable.  And that is in the US where there are actually laws in place to protect women and punish the offenders.  What about places where women don't have this right.  Seventy-six percent of women who are raped are done so by someone who told them they would love them.  What a sick and twisted form of loving. I want to protect my sisters.  I want to protect myself.  I want to empower my sisters.  I want to empower myself. 

IV.

When the rage hits I find myself fighting, pushing against men, all men, even the innocent.  I am learning to be careful about my rage.  I cannot afford to shut down from men.  I cannot afford to blame men.  I cannot afford to hate men and punish men.  I cannot afford to use my rage in those ways any longer because sleeping in the bedroom next to mine is my son.  It is time to move into a new place of maturity and action, one that can distinguish the guilty from the innocent.  He cannot carry the weight of my anger or my pain.  I have to find a way to empower myself while educating him.  I am the mother of a son in a world in which many girls and women are not safe.  I'll be honest.  I have felt myself shut down from him when I've heard yet another story of a girl being sexually abused by a man.  To stay open, even in the pain and the rage, isn't easy.  I want to shut down to all men.  But I have a son.  I have to learn a new way of being.  It is not enough to create laws that protect women.  Certainly we need these to be in place, but we need more.  Certainly we must empower our daughters, but we need more.  We must educate our sons.  They need to know its unacceptable.  We need them to fight with us.  I am a woman.  I fight for women's issues.  I am the mother of a son.  I will fight for issues that impact men.  I want to be empowered.  I want him to be empowered.  I must look at the world in a bigger way.  I must bridge the gap.  And I can.  I can learn to be better than my anger, my pain, my past.  I can learn there is always enough love. 

This is just one of the issues a woman who has been hurt by men begins to face when she finds herself raising a son.  I am the mother of a precious, beautiful son.  I want a better world for him.  I want a better world for me.

That's my two cents...      

Comments

[samantha]

I am shaking my head in wonder. You amaze me, with your awareness, with your compassion. Your son has a mighty woman for a mother.

[Lynn]

This is an amazing post. You put so much of yourself into it. You are so strong, so aware.

[DebR]

By growing up with you as his mom, I feel sure that Britton will grow to be a man women don't have to fear. That's a pretty wonderful thing.

[Marilyn]

What a powerful, powerful post. I'm familiar with Ensler, but hadn't heard of her book. (Love the name of it.) Good for you for wanting to heal this part of yourself not just for you, but also for Britton. We must teach our sons that true love lies not in having power over women, but in supporting their efforts to empower themselves. Having been involved in the feminist movement 30 years ago, I can't help but think that we've gone so far backwards in this area. There would have been such an uproar and backlash 30 years ago to the misogynistic art we have now. Kudos to Eve Ensler for her efforts in female empowerment.

[bonnie]

Well written and powerful. Definitely more than 2¢ worth of impact. Thanks!

[gkgirl]

and what a worthy
and inspiring two cents
it is!
bravo!
so powerful
and intense
and honest...

wow.

[Pacian]

Brava. Your two cents are woefully underpriced.

Girls seem to be taught so much about sexual violence - usually placing the onus on them protecting themselves or reading a man's mind. They are taught to be afraid and to not place themselves in any danger (as if that were possible).

By contrast, in my experience, boys are taught NOTHING, not even basic things such as how traumatic sexual violence is. I'm 22, and I still don't feel I've learnt enough. Your son is very lucky.

[kelly]

1. same here! boys are turds!

2. amen sista!

3. big hell yeah!

4. me too...but this is a hard one!

you are one smart girlie!

[wendy]

I am the mother of two daughters. I thank God for mothers of sons, like you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[Darlene]

Respect...I must have used that word a million times while raising my son and having talks about girls/ladies/women. He is 24 now and we still have these talks...I tell him they are more for me now than him. He has great respect for women, I just need to know that this freakin worped world has not tainted him. That is when he gives me a big hug and says, "I love you, Mom" and I can feel his chest rumble with respect for me....you can do this...I know you will

xxxdarlene

[my pink sky]

your two cents are enough to buy hope for so many women...this is such an important issue. thank you for sharing your strength and power.

[kristen]

you are a good mama michelle, to question to know what your limitations are due to your own experiences. this post brought up a lot for me, for my own experiences with men and being used by them when I was too young to know better, too young to understand that my body and myself is better than i allowed.

[MB]

Bless you for writing this.

Bless you for helping your son understand that "To stay open, even in the pain and the rage, isn't easy." For helping him understand that real damage gets inflicted, and that if it isn't easily seen it's probably because she has hidden it and along with it a precious part of herself.

Bless you, bless you for educating your son to the fact that what should be a source of joy, of love, of pleasure can only be given, not stolen — that such stealing destroys — that it should be, for both male and female, a source of wonder cradled with the deepest respect.

[melba]

I think you are so right...we need more than laws, we need to change the way most of society sees women. We need to change the way we see ourselves. I do believe change is possible...

[bb]

Wise, wise words. both comforting and sad that so many of us have had those moments when *our body hasn't been our own*
I have two sons and I am trying to teach them respect for all paths and the expression of anger without violence. I hope this will be enough x x x

[Heather]

I have a feeling Britton will turn out fine. Bravo to you for talking about this. When we all start talking, women will stop hiding and taking the rage out on themselfs and innocent men.

[deirdre]

This is a powerful post. I'm so glad you're teaching you son the things he needs to become a man. You are a warrior.

[ruby]

i know i've mentioned before that i think you are so brave for writing the things that you do -- i feel the need to say it again, though. you are brave and inspiring. we need more women like you who are raising their sons in such a conscious way. thank you for this.

[Roadchick]

Wow.
Very powerful.
Thank you.

[Rhea]

Rage against sexual violence would be a natural state for most women if we weren't in so much denial. I applaud your desire to raise a good male. We need that very badly.