SPC {Me As...3}

Me As...Someone Other Than Myself...

I'm not certain where this post will go.  I know what I want to say, I'm just not certain how to get there. 

Here's a confession:  despite the shoulds and supposed tos, which I know inside and out, sometimes my life doesn't feel like enough.  I should be satisfied.  This is supposed to be enough.  But the truth is, sometimes it doesn't feel that way.  Sometimes it feels tight, empty, lonely, and mediocre.  Now, when I'm able to inhabit a moment fully, really show up in it, that feels incredible, but that doesn't happen near as often as not.  And when I start to feel that ache of dissatisfaction I do something, something that I don't think I've ever admitted to before, something I'm not sure I've heard other women talk about (which leaves me wondering if I'm the only one): I pretend to be someone else.  I have created this other person in my imagination.  I've given her a life and breath and an imaginary existence and when I feel like my "real" life isn't enough, I run into her world.  I'm able to recognize that the life I'm giving her is the very things I'm wanting, the things I feel are missing from my own existence, and as such she is actually a path, a map, to a fuller, more whole and complete me.  But I haven't quite figured out how to make use of that knowledge.  I haven't figured out how to let it lead me to me.  Instead, when I retreat into this fantasy, I feel like I disconnect from my life.  I can't show up, I can't embrace my life, I can't live passionately because I'm not here.  My body is but the truer, and in some ways more real, parts of myself are somewhere else--lost in a world that only exists in my imagination.  I'm sitting behind a computer doing data entry all day.  She's directing movies and leading poetry workshops.  I'm sorting laundry.  She's attending movie premiers and the Oscars.  I'm yelling at a 3 year-old.  She's reciting poetry in a coffee house somewhere.  I'm in the same town I've lived in for almost 30 years.  She's watching the sunrise in the deserts of Santa Fe.  I'm crawling into bed exhausted.  She's having a slumber party with Oprah.  I'm disconnected from any kind of community other than this blogging world.  She's best friends with Selma Hayek.  I'm struggling through a relationship, one in which I often don't feel seen or heard.  She's falling in love with Luke Wilson...or Owen...she's not picky.  And as much as I know this alternate life is only a cover up for my own pain and dissatisfaction I have to admit that there are moments when her world seems more real than mine.  That's how lost in her life I can get. Oh I've visualized her, created her, down to the very last detail.  She's not necessarily all the things I'm not, but she is all the things I want to be, all the things I can't quite reach.  When my world doesn't seem like enough I slip into her world.  When I can't find the fullness I'm longing for, I balance it with the fantasy of her life.  It's a way of filling in all the little holes that I'm so acutely aware of in my own place of being.  It's not something I feel sad about, although while writing this I had moments when it sounded pretty pathetic, but it is something I'm frustrated with.  Using my imagination to create new options and new perspectives is one thing, but using my imagination to disconnect from my life because I'm dissatisfied isn't how I want to live.  I wonder if it's something I'll outgrow.  I wonder if eventually all the little holes will be healed and I won't need her anymore.  I wonder if I'm the only one who has an imaginary existence. Why am I coming clean now? Because I've always wanted this blog to be a place of honesty, a place where others could feel safe to look at their own lives, admit their own aches and longings. I want to use it as a place to expose the realities of a woman's life, this woman's life. I've always wanted to be honest, honest about my struggles with motherhood, honest about my struggle to embrace and accept myself, honest about my struggle to grow and heal when I don't have a detailed map or a clean vision of where I'm going. I want this to be a place where I can talk about the things I'm too afraid to admit, the things I keep hidden inside or alive in the dark. And this is one of those things.

I know this should be enough.  I know I should accept it.  I know I should embrace my existence, love it with all that I am.  Sometimes I do...sometimes I don't.

Comments

[Miriam]

This post is perfect and all at once you have become both the person you are and the imaginary person you would prefer. Eloquently written. Brutally honest. I am awed by this....

[dani]

i think the only way to live is authentically, and even though fantasising and dreaming is fun, and you can definitely turn some of that stuff into reality, but really the only way to accept and move on in the real direction you know you want to head in, is to live and embrace where you're at and then make the necessary changes. it sounds like you're almost there, so i'm giving you this as a little kick up the butt to take the next step. much love x d.

[Rebekah]

I think the question is: who is the authentic you? Maybe the authentic you is the other woman and you are holding her at bay. Maybe it is time to reinvent and let her out more.

Rebekah

[amy]

Michelle, this is beautiful. Your picture is beautiful, and your words are so honest, and resonate with me--as well as many others, I have no doubt. Each of us have that "fantasy gal" within us, and I think that there is nothing wrong with that. Use her as a muse, as a source of courage and strength for becoming more true to yourself. Thanks for sharing.

[Amy]

Michelle, I see myself in you - oh so many times I wanted to jump through the screen, grab you by your shoulders, and say "ME TOO!"

It's truly okay to feel this way, love. Use her as a launching pad - she's a catalyst for the woman you are, the woman you will become. Don't be afraid to dip your toes in the dark water - arms above head, plunge.

Thank you for such an honest outpouring of emotion. Sending love and lightness to you.

[bella]

I agree with the thought that maybe this other personality is the real you - and your struggle is getting to her, getting to that place. It sounds as if (and I could be wrong) the life your leading is not fulfilling you, perhaps because you'd be happier being that other person..personality..fantasy, I don't know. Maybe a disconnection from life as you know it right now would lead to a life you'd want to be living? Maybe explore new avenues? Put your resume out there and see what comes up. Take time to go to that poetry reading. Become the queen bee in your home and your heart. Baby steps and lot's of time will always work miracles, and I know you believe in those.

[DebR]

If thoughts become reality (and I believe they can and do), then maybe instead of thinking of this person you describe as "other" you could think of her -really BELIEVE in her - as the You you're becoming, breath by breath, cell by cell. She could be a goal for living large instead of a fantasy to escape to.

As always, I love the photo!

[Chad Stallings]

I used to do the very same thing. But the evil SOB got bored with my ass and headed out to LA to become an actor. Ironicly he got hooked on black tar heroin and was never seen by anyone out side of an alpo comercial that only ran for two weeks!
I wonder how many people sit at the oscars and daydream about being home reading to cute little boy, putting him to bed and then having a cup of tea while they blog away. Not about the movie they're shooting, but about the things that happened today that maybe got noticed and maybe didn't but made a difference just the same.
Remember when Nickleback came to town And I got up on stage and jammed with them for the last song? neither does anyone else, but I do! And when I think back on it, it still feels great!

[Right Brained Gal]

Wow, this really hit me in the gut. I have been doing this since I was a little girl. The whole time I was married, I imagined I was married to my old boyfriend and not my husband. Once I got out of the relationship, my whole life turned around.

Right now I am going through some things and I still go there when I want to escape. She never fails, gets depressed or has anything to fear. Until I read this, I honestly thought I was the only person in the world who drifted in and out of a fantasy existence. Thank you so much for your honesty and please know that there is at least one person in the universe who completely understands where you are coming from.

[Irene]

again, a very honest, stunning post.

I often think of my other self, a better version of me and I know it's hard, but the more I get to know her, the more she seems approachable, friendly, in my grasp without actually resenting my current, sometimes disappointing self.

[liz elayne]

i just sit here and nod along with all your words. yes. i know this escape-ism of pretending.
i like what rebekah said about the authentic. yes. if the authentic you should be holding poetry readings, then i think you better start thinking about it. seriously. so much to think about here. how can we help each other find/embrace/be that authentic self?
and the photo. well, that is gorgeous. i love it.

[josephine]

Despite what deceptions people may allow themselves to wholly occupy, everyone in the world lives in their own fantasies of what they want their lives to be.

If they didn't do that, it's my firm belief that life would be far too brutal, far too cruel to make sense as something to continue.

It's just that more people than not believe that the fantasy they are engaged in within their own heads, is all real.

Sure, it's got some real in it. And moments of clarity. But each persons truth is a mixture of reality and dream.

It is exceptional that you can give yours a face and a name. Just think "Demeta Jones" aka Janet Jackson. Or "Sasha" aka Beyonce. It's a common practice for artists who have high pressure jobs. I've even known a CEO who has an alterego when he has to perform or discipline. Giving himself permission to step outside of his schema and boundaries, so that he can do something that he otherwise would be afraid of doing.

[susannah]

This other self *is* you. okay, so maybe the Owen Wilson thing might be difficult to manifest :-) but the rest *is* you, i'll say it again. i understand about disatisfaction with our lives, bloody hell i do. i am also committed to the path of being honest, in my blog and in my 'real' life. and part of that honesty is being able to admit what we need. i think your other self is telling you what you need right now, and i think you should honour her and give her space to *be*. to try things. to run with the wolves and see what happens. she wants to break free, because *you* do - and i think you can. i think you will. take a deep breath and just *do* it...... love to you angel x

[kristen]

Once again Michelle you're post is stunning. And this picture my dear, you are so beautiful, I hope you KNOW this.
I don't seperate this other self, I see this person that feels it's all not enough as more of my true self than any of the other selves I have out there. I began to notice this dissatisfaction once I had a child....is that all there is? And I've talked to my more honest friends about feeling this way, because it's much more real than any of us want to admit. My life on paper is perfect ~ how can I dare to be dissatisfied and wanting more? I don't even know what it is I exactly want, what would make me feel more whole. It's why I'm back in therapy, so I can be satisfied with the here and now. I think it's ok to wish for more, I think it makes for a vital and interesting and wonderful person, mama, partner. I think it's much easier to coast along in your reality and not look at the other sides of yourself, squishing that part so that what you've got seems better than it is or could ever be.

[melba]

I do think we all fantasize, but I think what you describe is escapism.
In my mid 20's I use to do the same thing. If I was off from work I would lay in bed until the afternoon just dreaming about the perfect boyfriend. My love life was very pitiful at that point. I would have this whole relationship with "him" in my imagination. Sometimes I felt guilty for spending so much time imagining and not living. But maybe it was just something I had to work through.
I only did it while I lived in Atlanta (when I was around 26-27). Once I moved in with my sister in New Jersey we started doing all this stuff together and my life started changing. I began Living more.

Transformation is not easy.
and I know you know you can make your life ANYTHING you want it to be.
You can live more fully. You just need to take a Leap of Faith...

Also I think most women (myself included) spend a lot of time and energy on our romantic relationships and if they are not where we want them to be it is Difficult to get them there. But once they are closer to what we want really the world opens up for us in a new way. I kind of wish that wasn't so. That I (we as women) could be all of who we are without a man. But for me I find that since I have this good relationship I get to use my time and energy on other more self productive things. You know what I mean?

[Marilyn]

I realize I may have sounded sarcastic when I commented on your shadow self post that 'she' needs her own blog...but I truly meant it. "I wonder if it's something I'll outgrow." That was the only line in the entire post that made me feel sad. I hope she's NOT something you outgrow...I hope she's something you GROW INTO. I see the journey you've described in this post as one of INTEGRATION...of you BEcoming that person that lives (for now) only in your imagination. I've been reading here for quite a long while now and I say this with unfettered love, Michelle...it may be that the only way you will be able to embrace your current situations with any sort of passion are once you've given life to those dreams you're holding at bay. I understand that it can be fearful to embrace them...but you've taken a HUGE step down that path by not only acknowledging their existence, but doing it publicly--by sharing them with all of us. I support your journey wholeheartedly and will do whatever I can to help you along the way. Huge hugs. xoxox

[Sarah-Jean]

That's a very beautiful photograph. :-)

[deirdre]

I've been catching up with your posts this morning. I don't know how I've missed so many. This is so honest. I've always had a little escapist fantasy going on in my head. The what-if-I was.... kind of thing. I think it gives me a better sense of who I am, what really matters to me. And sometimes it's just fun.

[gkgirl]

its the shoulds i think
that get us in the end.

who says we should?
we should feel,
we should be,
we should want.

bah.

i think many of us
out here
know just what you are saying...

[Jodi]

Michelle,

Your posts seem to mimic the things that I feel but can't quite put into words. Each post I read moves me. I, too, am a single mother who struggles with what is right vs. what needs to be done vs. what I really want. It's a constant struggle.

[Frankie]

Oh my dear Michelle, me too! I have another someone leading the life I want. She spends her days sitting on a terrace in Italy or India or France, writing, black coffee always at her side, always on a sunny day when the wind is blowing just enough. She is artsy and creative and not afraid to take risks. She is always living the life I wish I were living, and yes, it can be sad to be sitting here behind a desk at work (where I am now), knowing she's off living the life I want to be living. I know just how you feel, and while I have no answers or solutions, sometimes just having someone say "me too" is enough. Me too, my friend, me too.

[Dana]

You are defintely not alone. I have such a wonderful life...a lot to be grateful for...but yet I yearn for more and feel that I am not quite whole...meanwhile it seems as though everyone around me are leaving fufilled lives.

xoxo

[Colorsonmymind]

Can you integrate the two?

What about seeing and feeling it as you.....create it...allow yourself to be more like her.

I love that you share so much of yourself here.

Love to you

[Heather]

I think you SHOULD have a fantasy life, there is so much life out there, why not dream, and then maybe find a way to move closer to making it reality. It spices up our life a little, cause we can't all live in a hollywood movie. My fantasy? Well, John is already aware of my two boyfriends on the side, Johnny Depp and Jude Law, they don't mind sharing me, and John doesn't mind either.

[snowsparkle]

i think it's good you're thinking that there's no need to discount who you are now in order to become what you want to be.

my writing teacher and her husband did three wonderful things to help change my self-image as an artist:

1) she brought in a published author who said she still feels she's pretending to be a writer

2) he gave me his t-shirt that simply says "artist" on the back of it

3) she reminded me that it's a long process becoming who we are born to be, and envisioning ourself as what we want to become is in itself a step on the path of becoming.